Melani, Author at Melani Robinson

Chemistry: Finale

April 28, 2014 by Melani 42 Comments

Alrighty, let’s put a fork in this trilogy.

I felt awful as I got ready for my date with Rob. Sure, it was only one night of promise with Scott, but it meant something to me. I allowed myself—ever so briefly—to be hopeful. You’d think I would be jaded, considering my history of bad dates. Some might even suggest I should plan for the worst so if something good happens it will be a pleasant surprise.

That’s just not my nature.

Yes, in many ways I’m a realist, perhaps even a cynic, but when it comes to love, I’m a dreamer.

Pedro Superdoorman called to let me know Rob was in the lobby so I took a deep breath, put on a perky face and repeated half-full-isms as I rode the elevator down to meet him.

He looked great. In fact, that’s an understatement. He looked like he stepped off the page of a Brooks Brothers catalog. The man was practically wrapped in cellophane and there’s nothing that makes me worry more about an errant hair or spinach in my teeth, than a guy who’s that fastidious. And you know I love a well-groomed man but have to say, I draw the line at Felix Unger.

Even his shoes shined like a mirror and the streets were a slushy mess after a recent snowstorm.

Did he walk over with trash bags on his feet?

We headed out to Dakota Bar where he’d made a reservation. The place was crowded and noisy—filled with a bunch of hipsters. What is it about that ironic mustached bunch that leads them to believe they’re so clever? That everyone (even those seated two tables away) can’t wait to hear what they have to say? Could it be all those trophies for participation?

OK, back to Rob.

We ordered wine and shouted across the table to each other. I learned that he was in the process of a divorce, but not single yet. His parting was taking longer than usual because he had a very difficult situation with his wife—one I’m not going into. That he shared it with me was brave and I respected and admired his willingness to be upfront. He talked about his job and what he enjoyed doing when not working. He was a triathlete and competed often in ironman competitions. He started running many years earlier as stress-relief from his marriage. He mentioned that he’d been unable to run outside because of all the snow and working out in the gym didn’t give him the results he must have.

Now, when I say this man had a perfect body I want you to understand I’m not comparing it to the average in shape fifty-ish male physique. Rob could hold his own with Olympic athletes and I told him as much. Then he mentioned his BMI was that of a fit twenty year old. He wasn’t bragging, either, just stating a fact. He also said he was hoping that the next day (Sunday) would be clear weather so he could get up at 5am and go for a run. A fifteen fucking mile run or some god-awful distance like that.

I couldn’t take it anymore.

Let the over-sharing begin.

“I put on weight this winter. I’ve been sedentary, trying to finish my book.”

“You have a great body, I don’t see anywhere you need to lose weight.”

OK, Rob got big points for that one but he didn’t understand. I was wrapped in shape wear that would eventually come off. When I bid adieu to my little spandex friend—shit would get real.

At that point I knew two things: There was someone at our table who looked head-to-toe airbrushed AND one of us could strip down, walk naked to the bathroom and receive mad hipster applause. Neither, was the blonde wearing Spanx.

After a second glass of wine I was ready to go. Rob walked me home and apologized for choosing such a noisy place.

“Next time I’ll make sure we can hear each other if you’ll see me again,” he said.

I struggled to see the point. I could probably push through the impossible hardship of dating a physically PERFECT specimen, but Rob didn’t make me laugh. Not once. He was smart, had beautiful manners, and seemed incredible decent but I was kind of bored. Nonetheless, after the recent Scott debacle, “decent” won and I told Rob I would enjoy getting to know him better.

“I need to clarify that I’m not ever going to run. If you’re looking for a woman who’s willing to lace up her sneakers for a Sunday morning togetherness jog, that’s not me.”

I didn’t add that I was hoping for Sunday mornings in bed with the Times, a bacon, egg and cheese bagel sandwich, strong coffee and an even stronger man because, well, some things are best saved for the second date.

We said goodbye in front of my building with a chaste peck and over the next several days, Rob and I sent a few texts back and forth. He said he’d like to arrange a dinner date for the weekend and he’d get back to me once he had figured out his schedule.

Good ole reliable Rob. I was all snuggled up, safe in his steadfastness.

Welp, that weekend passed and another and another and I never heard from Rob. I didn’t text him, either, and wasn’t bothered a bit. Sure, it was weird, but no biggie. I just wasn’t that into him and obviously he felt the same.

A month later my neighbors and I were just about to head over to that same bistro for dinner when I got a text.

I’m at [bistro name] and haven’t been here since the night we met. Would you be interested in meeting for a drink?

Funny you should be there. I’m having dinner with friends in less than an hour.

We met up with Rob as we waited for our table. He ordered drinks for all of us and we chatted until our table was ready. I asked if he’d like to join us. He declined and instead asked if I would be interested in going to dinner the next night. I knew Rob was a good man and probably had a logical explanation as to why he disappeared. I was willing to hear him out. He said he’d call in the morning with a time and place and asked if there was any food I didn’t like. I told him I was really watching what I ate and I would appreciate a place with fish on the menu. I didn’t add that I’d lost five pounds and wasn’t wearing shape wear because who shares that kind of information anyway?

Steady Eddie called the next morning to let me know he’d made a reservation at Ocean Grill and would meet me there. Dinner was absolutely delicious–the conversation, painfully predictable. Rob didn’t mention his disappearance so I did. He apologized and then explained. He realized after our date that he had to push forward with the divorce—a messy situation. He’d also been approached about a job in another state and he’d traveled there, first for an interview, and then twice to assess the area. Both were valid reasons for being unavailable but still not justification for his lack of communication.

“I get it. Totally understandable that you’ve got a lot going on. You still should’ve told me.”

“You’re right. I got caught up in everything but should’ve reached out.”

“Ok, but I want you to understand. You disappear again, I disappear forever.”

We finished our meal while continuing to talk. I made him laugh and hoped he could do the same for me. Didn’t happen. It wasn’t as boring as watching paint dry, but it was pretty dull. I didn’t think I was up for a third date and after another chaste kiss goodnight I was sure of it. If he’d really kissed me I might’ve known if we had a drop of physical chemistry.

The next day he texted to let me know he’d enjoyed our night. He had some divorce stuff going on that week but would keep in touch and was looking forward to seeing me again. Over the next few days we exchanged texts. I didn’t want to go on a third date with Rob but I also didn’t want to reject him in the midst of what he was dealing with. I spent a lot of time thinking about a nice way to tell him. I wanted it to be the perfect blend of flattery and kindness—to let him down softly, that decent, considerate and consistent man.

UNNECESSARY.

After a few days that radio went silent and I never heard from Rob again.

Good Ole Reliable Rob.

“A man’s kiss is his signature.” Mae West

Chemistry: Part Two

April 16, 2014 by Melani 73 Comments

OK, here we go.

With my back to Rob and deep in conversation with Scott it did occur to me that I was being rude. After all, I approached him with the Cheek’d card and my friend was forced to compensate for my bad manners by making small with Rob.

I turned back around and joined their conversation.

“I’d like to take you out tomorrow night,” said Rob.

“Um, OK,” I said, kind of surprised at how quickly he made that statement.

I had very little interest but was also aware that a dose of healthy competition between two males was nature at its best. The truth: Scott had attempted to cock-block Rob with his statement about Rob’s stupid comment so it was obvious (at least in his mind) that it was Game On.

“Can I get your number or do you want me to go through this site?” Rob said, pointing to the Cheek’d card.

I gave him my number and he told me he’d call the next morning with time and location. He left soon after, and I turned back to Scott. I wasn’t ignoring my friend as she’d turned towards the woman next to her and they continued the conversation they’d started before Rob approached.

Scott ordered a second drink for the three of us and put his to-go order in as our conversation continued. I learned that he was divorced with a ten-year-old daughter. Not exactly what I was hoping to hear but given his age (45) and location, it was to be expected. With the freakishly successful fertility doctors in New York City it’s not uncommon for men in their fifties to have a set of twins still breastfeeding. I guess a fifth grader wasn’t so bad.

The conversation was stimulating and I found myself fantasizing about many more with him in the future. My friend joined in and mentioned that I was an exceptional cook. Scott asked if I would cook for him and I was already creating the menu in my mind. I imagined inviting him over and dining al fresco on the terrace. I pictured lots of candles, a great bottle of wine and the decedent meal I would prepare. I also imagined what might follow the feast—something even more delicious.

The bartender eventually arrived with his order—all boxed up and bagged. Scott handed him his credit card and then asked for my number. He suggested I text him when I got home as he hated to cut the evening short but had to deliver the meal to his relatives. Then he left but not before sharing how glad he was that we’d met and how much he was looking forward to knowing me better.

I’d say it was a pretty amazing night and there hadn’t been a time recently where I felt so belle of the ball-ish. Two men who were interested in one night? It wasn’t quite the days from my roaring thirties on Friday nights at Gordon Biersch, but close.

Back then I would strategically talk to four men (one per side of the square bar) looping around all night. I did that often and it was easy. Now it was a big night if someone called me “Miss” instead of “Ma’am.”

We stayed a little longer, finished our second martini and then asked for the bill.

“You’re all taken care of. The gentleman paid for your drinks,” said the bartender.

“All taken care of” was something I hadn’t felt in a long, long time. Even better? Scott took care of my drinks AND my friend’s and did so without fanfare. He was both generous and courtly. A keeper, for sure.

We swayed home—normally one martini is my limit—and I couldn’t wait to text Scott once in my apartment all PJed up, makeup washed off.

For the next hour we exchanged texts that grew increasingly flirty. He was a digital wordsmith and I loved the banter. Scott was leading our conversation down the path to sexting and although I was absolutely sexually attracted to him, I was wise enough to know I’d had too much to drink and would regret flying the freak flag with the sober sunrise illuminating my cyber slut-isms. Instead I told him I needed to get some sleep but before we signed off, I asked his last name. He gave it and then reiterated how happy he was and how lucky he felt that we met. I replied:

Me too, Scott. I’m really glad I met you.

He responded by telling me he HAD to see me soon. We’d make plans.

The next morning I woke up smiling even with a hangover. I scrolled through the text conversation again before getting out of bed. I knew I’d hear from Scott once he’d awakened I figured we might even meet for brunch.

Like clockwork, Rob called as he said he would at 10am. I couldn’t have been less interested but I tried to remember not to put all my eggs in one bin—as hard as that was. He suggested drinks and appetizers at a new wine bar on the Upper West Side on 72^nd and Columbus, the Dakota Bar and insisted he would pick me up in the lobby of my building. Normally I would’ve been impressed with his follow through and gallantry but Scott occupied my brain and I was surprised I’d not heard from him.

By mid afternoon the radio silence continued. I didn’t reach out to him either, though, and here’s why. Scott is Alpha. He had no issue going after what he wanted the night before. He didn’t hesitate even when I repeatedly brushed him off while pursuing another man. He was very comfortable in that role and I knew if he wanted me, he’d make it happen.

But he hadn’t, yet.

LET THE CYBERSTALKING BEGIN!

I Googled Scott’s full name and nothing came up. Weird. I searched the firm he worked for and his name and nothing came up. Really weird. Then I simply searched his first name and his firm. Bingo! A company event and a photo of Scott. Except his last name was spelled much differently than what he’d texted. Seems Scott had given me the phonetic spelling of his name. Without outing him by giving you the two names, what he did was spell a part of his name with an “F” when a “PH” was how it was actually spelled. Obviously not a typo. What the hell?

LET THE “I THINK HE’S AN ASSHOLE” FRENZIED SEARCH PROCEED!

A few seconds later I had a pit in my stomach as I stared at a photo of Scott, his wife and little girl at a children’s charity event. It was only a few month old so not only did he lie about being married, he also added several years to his daughter’s age—probably because I’d told him my daughters were adults. His child was no more than four. He wasn’t bringing food to his brother and sister-in-law. While he chatted me up for almost two hours, his wife and child waited for him to bring home their dinner.

Wow, did I feel foolish. Thank God we didn’t sext.

I have no idea why Scott did what he did. Perhaps he gets off on playing women. Maybe it’s the thrill of the pursuit and the knowledge that he still has it? Possibly his marriage is boring? No matter the reason, he’s a scumbag. Halfway through our conversation at the bar he asked if I was divorced. I told him I was a widow and he expressed how sorry he was and then asked several questions about how I recovered from the loss. He KNEW the hardest thing I’d done after losing my husband was to attempt to make a new life and find love again. He knew I was certainly more vulnerable and maybe even more fragile than the average divorcee and, yet, he still pursued me with the knowledge that he was going to disappear back into his marriage without even a backward glance.

When you break it down, it’s truly twisted.

I never let Scott know I was onto him and deleted his number from my phone. He only lives a few blocks away and maybe one of these days I’ll pass him and his family on the street. I would never say anything. His wife will find out eventually whom she’s married to if she doesn’t already know. But I will take pleasure in looking him in the eye with an expression that reflects that I’m aware of who he is underneath that unassuming, exceedingly average exterior.

Well played, Scott, but one day you’ll pick the wrong woman, she won’t exit as quietly and might even be a bunny boiler.

My date(s) with Rob in the next installment.

To be continued…

“I’ve told Billy if I ever caught him cheating, I wouldn’t kill him because I love his children and they need a dad. But I would beat him up. I know where all of his sports injuries are.” Angelina Jolie

Chemistry: Part One

April 10, 2014 by Melani 33 Comments

Chemistry is tricky. Most of the time we think of it as an instant attraction. You know, the certain feeling one gets during that first encounter. The “I think I’d like to have sex with you. Maybe not today, but eventually,” sort of vibe.

BUT, that’s chemistry with a small c and there’s no doubt we’ve all experienced it more than once. What I’m talking about is the tricky Chemistry. That’s the feeling of “I think I’d like to have sex with you. Maybe not today, but eventually, and then afterwards I’d like to talk—for hours.”

As you know, I made a decision after a year of online dating to kick it old school. No more cyber-augmented love for me. I also decided I’d keep my love life to myself after that year of over sharing.

Well, I’m going to break that second rule now and tell you about one night in my traditional dating world.

About two months ago a friend and I were having cocktails at a neighborhood bistro. We both love a perfectly prepared martini and the bartender makes a mean one.

It was a Friday night and we arrived around 7:30pm. The place was packed but we eventually got two seats at the bar. She’s in a committed relationship but is often my wingwoman and we immediately began looking around for eligible men of a certain age—for me.

We both zeroed in on a man seated at the opposite end of the bar.

“Do you see that good looking guy at the end of the bar?”

“Just spotted him,” I replied.

Kind of sounds like hunters preparing to chamber a bullet, right? Here’s why. The guy was the black rhino of single men fifty or older. Extremely good looking, well-dressed, fit, no wedding ring, and confident. I knew he was confident because as I looked at him he boldly looked back, smiled, nodded and raised his glass to me.

I told you about using Cheek’d cards in a previous post. I’d slipped a few into my evening bag that night and my friend and I quickly began looking for the right clever greeting to give to the gorgeous stranger. Let me tell you, I was not going to let him leave without one. As we debated about the selection, the man seated next to me interjected by asking about what we were doing. We’d been there for about thirty minutes by then and I could tell two minutes after we sat down, he wanted to join our conversation.

I also thought he might be interested in me–just a feeling I got–and that feeling wasn’t mutual. He was not my type. At. All. Early to mid-forties, chubby, an expensive but rumpled suit, and hair that was in need of a trim, nothing like the other man I had my sights on but I answered his questions and turned back to my friend. He butted in again and I brushed him off. I was too distracted to even hear what he said because the other man was paying his check and I had to make a move. Grabbing the card I headed over to him and said, “I didn’t want you to leave without this.”

“I was just getting ready to come over and talk to you on my way out. Just waiting to sign the bill.”

Dammit! I could’ve been coy but instead went all Alpha Chick.

“Great, see you soon.”

Back in my seat, the pest next to me asked how it went. My friend was in a conversation with the woman next to her and this time I turned towards him and actually answered. He officially introduced himself, told me his name (Scott) and we chatted for a minute until the perfect man from across the bar walked up. His name, I learned, was Rob.

I introduced my girlfriend to Rob and we turned our stools away from the bar since he was standing behind us. The three of us made small talk but a few minutes in he said something that annoyed me. It was about our new mayor, Bill de Blasio, and it was a typical smartass and uninformed statement from someone less “progressive” and aware than is normal in this city.

“That was a dumb thing to say,” said Scott quietly for my ears only. I turned back towards him and agreed.

“I think he might be Republican,” I sighed and Scott told me that although he worked on Wall Street, he was a liberal Democrat. We started talking politics—both local and national–and he was very knowledgeable.

“How old are you?” I asked.

“Forty-five.”

“I’m fifty-two.”

“I would’ve never guessed. I noticed you the moment you walked in and when you sat down next to me I told the bartender to hold off on my to-go order. I am supposed to be bringing dinner to my brother and sister-in-law’s, but then I saw you.”

Ding, ding, ding. Chemistry with a capital C smacked me in the face.

I wasn’t sure I even felt little c with Rob after his stupid remark.

This story is lengthy and gets more interesting as the night wears on.

To be continued…

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” C. G. Jung

Cyber Cojones

February 25, 2014 by Melani 23 Comments

The first week in February a senior editor from THE HUFFINGTON POST contacted me. The “Women” section would run a series for Valentine’s Day, “What I Know About Being Single Now That I’m In My 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s.” The editor was selecting one writer for each age category and I was very happy to hear she’d selected me for 50s.

I thought about the predictable things I could state.

1. I’m less critical of my body.

2. I’m finally confident in my ability to choose the right partner.

3. I’m happy being single.

4. Friends are just as much fun as a man.

5. I know what I’m looking for now more than ever.

6. I’m in no hurry. The biological clock has quit ticking.

Blah, blah, blah—BO-RING (and trite).

I try my best to tilt away from banal and that’s gotten me into trouble on both the online dating blog and THE HUFFINGTON POST. Seems nothing “stokes people’s hate fire” more than opinions that go against the grain. If you need proof, look at the Comments section of some of my more provocative pieces. This essay, though, didn’t seem to piss people off as much as others had. The comments were fairly mild in both number and tone. I always gird my loins when I publish a piece and it seemed this time the girding was unnecessary.

Click here to read the post.

Sure, I had one comment on Huffpost from a man named “Windy Daze” who tried to rough me up. I don’t remember exactly what it said because it was “flagged as offensive” almost immediately and removed, but I think it went something like this:

“As a happily married man of more than 50 years I will tell you that relationships ARE hard work. I work hard every single day and NEVER take my wife for granted as you so ignorantly said. You have a lot to learn, MISS ROBINSON. Who do you think you are? You know nothing!”

I respond to every comment on my blog but I pick and choose on THE HUFFINGTON POST. I usually thank some who’ve left kind comments but I also go right back at some of the more insulting ones.

I know, I know. I should simply ignore those rude commenters since the attention fires them up and they keep coming back for more. But that’s conventional wisdom and I don’t buy it. What I’ve found is, if one person is bold enough to leave an offensive reply it can quickly become a feeding frenzy of cyber-courage when the more tentatively acerbic see blood in the water. For every one person willing to post something detestable there are many others who would like to say something inflammatory but lack the guts—until someone else crosses the line ahead of them.

I don’t have a problem with those who disagree with me. After all, my writing simply reflects my opinion. What annoys me, though, is when it gets personal or the reader makes assumptions based on their circumstances—as was the case with “Windy Daze.” I replied to his comment but since his was removed, my response was, too.

Here’s what I said:

“That might be your reality, but it wasn’t mine, mister. And where did I say I took my husband for granted? Go back and read the essay again, Windy Daze, and next time try a thorough read before waxing poetic in the Comments section. I get the feeling you want to put me in my place. Never gonna happen, you daffy ole bag of windy.”

Part of me felt a little sorry for the gusty one. I can’t imagine conjuring up CAPS rage unless something about the piece hit home. Maybe what I wrote caused our intrepid husband to have a fleeting thought that the strife of his marriage was not saintly devotion, but “miles in manure.” Nonetheless, the rest of the comments were mostly positive, and even when not they weren’t off-putting.

Next I went to THE HUFFINGTON POST Facebook page since they posted a link to the article and the first comment was this:

I was confused. Was “rat copulation” a new expression I’d never heard before? I went to Urban Dictionary, searched and found nothing. Then I searched “rat fuck” to see if I could get a definition of what Andrew Soto meant. Here’s what I found:

Uh, don’t think that’s a match.

Nope, I don’t think that applies, either.

Other readers took Andrew Soto to task so I didn’t ask for clarification. One questioned when his article would be published; another called him a “douche.” Although one powerhouse wordsmith wrote “big whoop” about an article in THE HUFFINGTON POST since they don’t usually pay and then qualified his comment by letting everyone know he’s a “published author and a well-paid editor.”

Um, yeah, OK.

I guess I’ll never know what Andrew meant by rat copulation but I don’t think it was complimentary. I have my opinion as to why Andrew Soto left that comment. I think Andrew feels insignificant and for one brief moment as his fingers typed away he got a rush, maybe even a boner. He felt more substantial hopped up on cyber-courage. Or, maybe I’m getting too analytical and he’s just a douche.

BUT, I am 100% certain he would never have the balls to say it to my face.

Whatever the reason, The Andrews or Windy Dazes of the virtual world will continue to spew their venom—especially when nobody calls them out. I know I will continue to do so and it’s my hope that some of you will do the same. The next time you read a defamatory or overtly asinine comment following an article you’ve enjoyed, I hope you’ll let the commenter know how you feel. I’ve found it usually shuts them up along with their less ballsy cohorts skulking through the comments trying to muster the nerve to be nasty. I have the luxury of blocking idiots from my blog and Facebook page and I blocked three from www.1yearofonlinedatingat50.com and none, yet, from this website. I don’t have that option when another site publishes my work. You’ll be doing a service to all writers who provide free entertainment. I don’t think anyone penning an opinion piece expects all to agree, but what’s wrong with a little civility when being contrary or even the radical move of simply clicking away to something more to your liking? Cyber-courage is an epidemic and I think it’s time we develop a vaccine.

“When a bully is held accountable for his actions, his future actions will change. Bad behavior only continues for those who allow it.” Gary Hopkins

A Spa Day

January 17, 2014 by Melani 23 Comments

If you’ve moved to New York City from a more suburban setting you will occasionally reach a state of mind that is not of the New York variety. I know, Billy Joel sings a persuasive anthem but there’s sometimes a yearning for a simpler life in this complicated place. The pace can be overwhelming for those who would like to read a label in the grocery store or even linger for a moment at the selection of canned tomatoes. Not possible here. Know exactly what you want, get in, get your stuff and don’t you dare use a shopping cart that clogs the already congested aisles. Carry everything in a basket and keep it tucked close to your body—along with those elbows. Then lug those heavy bags home on crowded sidewalks with pedestrians moving at a frenetic pace. Don’t even think about slowing your gait and if you need to shift the bag to the other hand, pull to the side. Proceed quickly, do not stop or you’ll certainly be told by one of the locals, “What the fuck are you doing?” or “Hey, dumbass, you can’t block the sidewalk.” OK, I admit I’ve corrected my share of tourists. I’m a little bit kinder—but not much.

Every few months I long for the lavishness of a huge shopping cart, opulence of wide aisles, and, of course, the decadence of a car filled with groceries to be carried the briefest few steps from the trunk to the home. That’s when I schedule my spa day—at Costco.

A friend of mine has a membership. Well, actually her father in Texas does and I can’t remember how we got on the subject but once I knew she was a “legacy in the making” I suggested she ask to be added to his account. A couple of days ago I picked her up (in my car!) and we headed to the Harlem Costco. I love these trips. My friend has lived in the city for most of her adult life but occasionally longs for the simplicity the suburbia of her youth provided. We like to meander down every single aisle while discussing earthshaking topics such as the “The Real Housewives” of whatever city is currently on Bravo, or the undeniable need for 100 plastic storage containers with color-coded lids. My shopping list was short, cat litter and Diet Coke, but I brought three hundred cash because one never knows when the perfect memory foam/cool gel pillow or cozy pair of slippers might materialize. Bought both. We also look forward to the samples. We’ll try just about anything—especially if it’s highly caloric or carb-packed. Unfortunately on this trip, Costco decided to go all healthy. Greek yogurt spread on pita chips and veggie/fruit smoothies—chock full of Omega this and that. Spare me.

We always catch up during our wanderings and she asked about the New Year’s Eve party I was going to attend. It started out with promise—a big party at a private residence in Chelsea. Then it transitioned. First was the email instructing guests to bring their favorite libation. OK, I planned to take a bottle of good champagne for the hostess so that wasn’t too annoying, but still, it felt a little frat party BYOB and the only role I could play these days at a fraternity is House Mother. Next, a second email instructed guests to sign up to bring some sort of snack. That note closed with the guidance to come dressed in “cocktail attire.” Really? You want me to put on fancy clothes then schlep guacamole and chips? The party had transitioned into a potluck—not that there’s anything wrong with potlucks. I just wouldn’t show up to one in sequins and four-inch heels carrying a platter of Rumaki. My friend was equally appalled—one of the things I love about her. I didn’t attend that soiree but instead took the bottle of Perrier-Jouet downstairs and shared it with my favorite neighbors. They provided caviar—my kind of potluck.

I was giving serious consideration to hosting a party next New Year’s Eve, I told my friend. She thought that was a great idea and reminded me that by the end of 2014 I’d be married. Yes, you read that right. I’m getting married this year. Now don’t get uppity. I’ve not been holding out and hiding the engagement ring. I, um, haven’t met my husband yet. A psychic (friend of a friend) who said she’s never wrong, told me over a glass of wine that I would meet a man so right and we’ll have a whirlwind courtship ending in marriage this year! Have I ever told you I don’t have any desire to get married again? None.

We walked a few more aisles and segued into wedding plans, which we agreed could be seamlessly combined with the party. I’d invite all my closest friends to a New Year’s Eve celebration and surprise them by getting hitched. Costco, not Disneyland, is the happiest place on earth. Where else can a person plan a lifetime of joy AND buy Charmin in bulk?

Two hours later we headed to the checkout line—the ultimate consumers, it took both of us to push the overflowing shopping cart. I had to run back and snag a plush rug for my bathroom–a last minute must have–even though I already have plenty. You can never have enough plush rugs, though. I think Yoda said that.

We finished as we always do with a quick stop at the snack bar because there’s nothing like a Costco dog. It is at this stage that we, without fail, misplace our receipts and will later dig through our handbags at the door while security looks on patiently. We could never get away with this level of lameness in our neighborhood grocery stores. We’d be physically tossed to the curb and banned for life.

At the end of the spa day I’m relaxed even as I struggle to find space in my small apartment for the stuff I just bought. The chocolate muffin purchase adds to the Zen-like atmosphere and gives me a way to finish the perfect day with the final fistful of luxury. Seriously, try them.

“I love to take things that are everyday and comforting and make them into the most luxurious things in the world.” Marc Jacobs

SWEATSHIRTS, UGGS, AND RANDI ZUCKERBERG

December 23, 2013 by Melani 10 Comments

“I have to apologize for this sweatshirt I’m wearing. It’s just so cold here today.”

Those were the first words Randi Zuckerberg said during a fifteen minute Skype conversation we had on December 18^th.

Yep, you read that right. Randi flippin’ Zuckerberg!!

Here’s how it happened.

On December 5^th I received an email from a woman named Ashmi who is the marketing manager at Zuckerberg Media—the company founded by Randi Zuckerberg post her six-year position managing marketing at Facebook. Here’s a portion of that message:

“I’m reaching out to see if you’d be interested in joining a 1:1 Skype session with Randi as part of her influencer/blogger satellite tour.”

Now I’d love to tell you that I hit Reply and wrote a breezy: “Sure, count me in.” but that would be a lie. I did get back to Ashmi once I’d returned from the emergency room where I received ten stitches in my forehead. Upon reading I passed out and did a face plant on the spike heel of a ridiculous pair of platform pumps that I’d tried on earlier that day, then tossed aside when my toes began to cramp.

OK, I really didn’t faint or need stitches but those pumps were littering my floor as I sat there in shock—reading then rereading the message.

Was a Zuckerberg really contacting me?

I felt like Steve Martin and his phonebook in “The Jerk.”

So I replied that I’d love to Skype with Randi and then immediately downloaded her book, DOT COMPLICATED: UNTANGLING OUR WIRED LIVES, to my iPad. I was reading for research that quickly transitioned into pleasure as Randi shared her life. The reader learns about her childhood and college experiences, what Facebook was like in the early days, some of her blunders—both professional and personal, and what she’s doing now. My favorite story was how she met her husband Brent—a “lovely guy with a beautiful South African accent”—during a “Harvard rager” that she clarifies was just a “relatively fun party.” Several years later, she and Brent were dating and he’d moved to New York City to be with Randi when she was offered a position with Facebook when it was in its infancy. Accepting the job meant a move to Silicon Valley. Love the advice her mother gave on moving and leaving Brent in New York, “Randi, do not fuck this one up.”

Randi also shared what it was like to get a call from the White House asking if Facebook would be interested in hosting a town hall event with President Obama—streaming live—as part of his nationwide tour to make his case for a new economic policy. Oh, and she had two weeks notice and there was this other little thing. She was eight months pregnant. She made it happen even though she started with a barebones warehouse and a couple of cameras. What’s a little thing like hosting POTUS with two weeks notice while sorting out logistics, security, and an event that will stream live to millions?

I respect tenacity.

It was December 18^th and the big day had arrived. I’d set up my computer in the proper position so I was looking up instead of down, avoiding the double chin and tired eyes perspective that is the bane of the video conversation and the middle aged woman. I was nervous but prepared.

As I told you before, Randi began by apologizing for her sweatshirt as she Skyped from her kitchen (crazy clean, by the way) looking beautiful and relaxed. I admit I was bringing my A-Game with makeup on and hair coiffed but once she mentioned the sweatshirt I had to confess. Below the fuchsia silk blouse and out of camera range I was wearing sweatpants and Uggs. I told her, we laughed and the conversation continued.

She asked many questions about the complexities/intricacies of online dating. I shared some of my experiences and newfound expertise. One such question, “Should a person Google someone before a first date?” allowed me to share one of my most humiliating experiences during the year of online dating. I told her about the guy who’d read the blog before our first date. Click here to read it.

Fifteen minutes goes by quickly when a person’s having a good time and I was. Randi told me that others were there with her and they had questions but she was having so much fun, she wasn’t sharing. I liked that and I liked her. The conversation was so relaxed that I forgot I was chatting with “Randi Zuckerberg.” Upon reflection, it’s quite surreal actually.

If you have a chance, pick up DOT COMPLICATED. It’s an excellent read and if you have kids in your life I would also suggest her children’s book, DOT.

Here’s wishing you all a wonderful holiday—or non-holiday if you’ve chosen to BURN IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY. I’ll be back in 2014 and there are lots of exciting things in the works. I hope you continue to follow along.

Stay tuned.

“Everybody gets so much information all day long they lose their common sense.” Gertrude Stein

Blog Snob

November 15, 2013 by Melani 18 Comments

Each week I receive email messages asking if I’d be willing to promote another blog on my website. The requests are sometimes humble:

I’m just starting out and would be so grateful if you would add my blog to your blogroll.

I don’t have a blogroll, which means they didn’t thoroughly check out the website, but I appreciate the tone of the message.

Sometimes they’re presumptuous:

I have a new blog and am willing to cross-promote yours on my site if you’ll do the same.

Um, let’s see, you have a new blog which means you’ll “promote” mine with your current followers—your ten closest friends and lonely Aunt Edna. Thanks?

Occasionally, they’re downright rude:

I haven’t had a chance to read all of your blog but I just started my own about online dating from a younger person’s perspective and mine is really funny. Would love a plug.

OK, I’m all over that, especially since you’ve told me three things: you’ve not read any of my blog (don’t bullshit), you think I’m old, and not the slightest bit funny. I’d be crazy not to help!

I do always check out their blogs. It’s not that I’m opposed to helping someone who’s just getting started, but I’m not about to stick my endorsement on mediocre anything, and that’s a kind assessment in most instances. I know many literati look down their noses at what I do. In their world, blogs are to writing what Velvet Elvis is to art.

That’s rapidly changing, but there are the holdouts smugly clutching The New Yorker magazine while refusing to share a seat at the Algonquin Round Table they’ve created in their minds.

That same highbrow group would gasp if I told them I could hardly stomach Joan Didion’s The Year of Magical Thinking.

BUT, I’m not snoot-free, either. I want writing that grabs me and takes me along for the experience. My standards are the same for books, newspapers, magazines, and, yes, blogs. Sure, it’s fantastic to have material such as a man pinching a woman’s breast on a first date, but if the writer can’t tell the story properly it’s irrelevant. I work hard on my posts and have yet to be approached by anyone asking for an endorsement whose writing’s kept me reading.

That is until recently.

Last week my inbox was bombarded with requests–ten to be precise. The first few I politely declined, but by the last several the responses grew terse. This was message number ten:

I’m not sure how this is done, or what the etiquette is, but I was wondering if you’d allow a link on your blog to my blog, which I just started two months ago. I would of course reciprocate. Thanks, Amy

The newbie was going to pay for the other nine that came before her. I decided I was taking off the gloves. I would be brutally honest—suggest she take writing classes, join a writing group, or give up on blogging completely since not everyone is cut out for writing. I actually created a disclaimer in my mind that I’d add to my website. It went like this:

Please don’t contact me to suggest I share your blog with my followers in exchange for reciprocation on yours. A quid pro quo-based endorsement of your work shows zero integrity.

Pompous, party of one, your table is ready.

Then I smugly clicked on Amy’s link and read:

I thought I was there. Paradise. At the least, it was within my reach. The man of my dreams–literary, brilliant, a trifle kinky–turned out to be an insecure, compulsive porn addict with bipolar disorder and pretensions to spare.

Well, knock me over with a quill pen!

I read on.

And so I was pitched back into the purgatory of single womanhood by this yellow-fanged, shaggy goat of a self-anointed god.

Amy grabbed me with, “literary, brilliant, a trifle kinky,” and HAD ME at “goat.”

I quickly replied:

Beautiful writing, Amy. I’d be happy to recommend the blog. If you’re game I might be interested in interviewing you and writing a blog post, too. I get many requests to add blogs to my website but I’ve always declined because the writing, well, sucks. Yours does not and I think others should know about it.

So Amy and I chatted on the phone a few days ago. I learned more about the goat, whom she met online, by the way. He’s a well-respected writer of fiction. His latest book, however, is a nonfiction accounting of his sexual escapades with middle-aged women. Amy thinks her less than flattering portrayal in the book (yep, he wrote about her) is probably in retaliation for her many faked orgasms. Facts that are shared during a breakup can be devastating, especially with a man who’s a sexual legend in his own mind.

Hell hath no fury like a lousy lover scorned!

Amy thinks his motivation for the current book is to get laid and why not? What’s wrong with a man writing a book about the joys of being with middle-aged women and satisfying all their sexual needs in order to entice more middle-aged women into bed? Seems like a perfectly reasonable goal and there’s nothing lascivious or mercenary about it, right?

Amy’s blog, The Post Menopausal Paradise, is a beautifully written chronicle of her dating experiences now that she’s single again. I would highly recommend it and will be following along as she navigates the choppy waters of dating after fifty.

I hope you’ll give it a look.

When something can be read without effort, great effort has gone into its writing. -Enrique Jardiel Poncela

The Teacher

October 21, 2013 by Melani 40 Comments

Today is my father’s birthday. He’s eighty-one.

I visited him in Las Vegas a couple of weeks ago. He’s been having some health issues—a broken hip followed closely by a broken femur. Both required surgery. After several weeks in a rehabilitation hospital, he came home in a wheelchair where he will remain for at least three months while his leg heals.

It has been difficult to rely on others during his recovery as he’s fiercely independent. He’s always been physically fit, too, so his body that once could do just about anything has become the enemy.

While he was in the rehab hospital my daughter Morgan flew out to visit. She realized immediately how unhappy he’d become and looked for ways to cheer him up. He loved being outside and moving so for an hour each day she’d push him around the exterior of the building in his chair. One day she asked if he’d like to listen to music during their walk as she connected her phone to Pandora Radio–he loves music from the sixties. He held the phone near his ear and sang at the top of his lungs to every song. He’d laugh as a tune triggered a memory then he’d share it with Morgan.

I took my iPad with me to Vegas and the first morning as he had his coffee and read the newspaper I asked if he’d like to listen to music. For the next hour (and then another hour later that afternoon) I watched and listened as my dad became joyful. His current condition had no place in those hours where the music moved him back in time. He wasn’t just remembering. He was there in that space where his body and mind were his to control.

He mentioned how good the sound was on the iPad and asked how much I paid for it. I suggested we go to the Apple Store if he wanted to buy one. He thought it was quite pricey even for a Mini. He’d have to think about it but in the meantime he’d enjoy listening to mine during my visit. I knew he wasn’t going to make the purchase so I decided to get him one for his birthday and I’d download Pandora and his favorite stations before mailing.

My father taught me many things but I think the most valuable was:

Make sure your children know they’re loved.

Every day when I was a little girl we had this conversation:

“Love you.”

“Love you, too.”

“You’re the nicest girl in the whole wide world.”

“Nicest boy in the whole wide world.”

When I was away at college I lived with seven other girls in a suite of four bedrooms and a common living space. The telephone was on the wall in the common area where my father and I would talk once a week. The last thing he’d say to me was the above conversation. I was embarrassed to go through our ritual in front of my suite-mates, but he would have none of it. I’d mumble, “love you,” and hope to get off the phone without having to say my line. It never happened. “You didn’t say ‘nicest boy,’” he’d point out and I would quickly and quietly tell him as my suite-mates smiled and sometimes giggled at the childish expression. “Your dad is so cute, he really loves you,” said one kind girl.

She was right.

I’ve always known I was loved.

The tradition continued with my daughters and I relished the smiles on their faces as they repeated that familiar dialog.

So today, on his birthday, he’ll receive our gift. Here’s how we had it engraved.

He’ll listen to music and I hope it takes him back to a less burdened time. Maybe a song from the 1960s will trigger a memory of when I was a little girl and he was my hero.

I hope so because he still is.

My heroes are and were my parents. I can’t see having anyone else as my heroes. Michael Jordan

Again? OK!

October 14, 2013 by Melani 2 Comments

Just a quick post to let you know my second appearance on The Steve Harvey Show is airing again today (Tuesday, October 15th) in case you want to watch and missed it the first time. There are two shows airing tomorrow according to my guide. Mine is on at 11am Channel 4 in NY. The second is airing at 3pm but I won’t be on that one. Click here to locate the time and channel in your area.

Steve sets me up with a guy from Chicago. We ice skate and salsa dance. Yep, it’s embarrassing.

You’ve been warned.

My Intimate Night With Sting

September 27, 2013 by Melani 20 Comments

The best thing about exposing my private life on 1yearofonlinedatingat50.com is that I made lots of new friends. Most of them cyber but occasionally I’ve had the opportunity to put a face to those emails and such was the case on Wednesday night.

My friend Jo and I began exchanging emails a few months into my year. She found the blog through a Huffpost piece. She was close to my age, single and had been online dating. I enjoyed our banter and eventually we began talking on the phone. Our conversations progressed from laughing about our shared dating experiences to our children or the dreams we both had of making a living as writers. You know, deep stuff–the joys of Botox and all that.

I often wished she lived closer. I imagined we would have fun going out, hoping to meet suitable men, but if they didn’t show up we’d still enjoy each other’s company. Alas, she lived in L.A., nixing my wing-woman fantasy.

BUT, Jo loves the theatre and visits the city at least once a year. A few months ago I had a missed call and a couple of texts–she had news.

I could hear the excitement in her voice as she told me she had a surprise. It seemed Sting was going to do ten benefit concerts in NYC at the Public Theatre and she’d purchased two tickets. They were crazy expensive as the venue was only 260 seats and she knew if she’d asked before buying, I would’ve said, “No way.”

She didn’t and we were going!

I love Sting. I love everything about him. He’s a musical genius, a deep thinker and rip-one’s-clothes-off-if-given-the-chance sexy. He may or may not be into tantric sex—something that’s always piqued my interest and if he’s what sixty-one can be, where do I find his doppelgänger? Several years ago I even flew to Miami for The Police reunion tour–during the summer, no less. Do you know what Miami’s like in the summer? I searched for the photos because public humiliation is what I live for, but couldn’t find them. Suffice to say I danced through the entire outdoor performance and was the least attractive version of myself when the concert was over–makeup gone, a wet haired sweaty mess.

So on Wednesday, Jo and I met for the first time. She came to my place early for a glass of wine and the first thing she said was, “You look exactly like your photos,” and she did, too. Actually, Jo had water and I drank wine. I was a little nervous about our meeting and hoped it wouldn’t be awkward–it wasn’t.

Apologies for the flip-flops. I do wear heels but never put them on until almost to the destination. The dress is DVF—my fav—and I got it on sale at Bloomingdales. The black areas are leather and the color blocking is deceptively flattering. I paired it with a black leather jacket. I wanted a pair of black cage booties and loved the Michael Kors below but couldn’t find them plus I didn’t want to pay $200 or more for shoes I would probably wear only a few times.

Instead I found these at DSW for $60 and they gave me the same look I wanted.

Here’s a trick my daughter taught me. When you’re wearing shoes you know will give you blisters, apply runners anti-chafe stick to your feet. You’re dogs will still be barking but they’ll be blister-free in the morning even after hours of wearing heels.

OK, OK! Enough about fashion and back to the concert.

We left my apartment and headed to Lafayette for dinner near the theatre. We both ordered steak frites probably because a woman should have a good foundation of meat and potatoes when she’s getting intimate with Sting. The food was perfect as was the conversation but enough dilly-dallying. Mr. Perfection waited.

I couldn’t believe our seats. He would be no more than twenty feet away. “Holy shit,” I thought as the theatre filled, “If I rushed the stage and wrapped my legs around his waist could I do it tastefully?” His wife Trudie was one of the last to take her seat. She wore black leather pants and top with gray suede over-the knee platform boots. Her body was amazing—she’s fifty-nine. She was at the concert in Miami, too.

Why’s she always cramping my style?

Then HE came out with little fanfare wearing a torn white t-shirt and jeans. Pause right now while you’re reading this for a moment of silence because he deserves worship. There wasn’t an ounce of fat on his perfectly toned physique. You should’ve seen his arms. I could die happy to have those wrapped around me just once and, of course, he’d simultaneously sing “Fields of Gold” in my ear.

The concert was given to introduce the audience to his current work, The Last Ship, a musical based on his childhood growing up in an English shipbuilding town. OK, I admit it was a little disappointing. I assumed we’d not be hearing his greatest hits, but he could sing nursery rhymes and I’d be on the edge of my seat. No surprise, his new work was beautiful.

AND he did throw in “Fields of Gold,” “When We Dance” and an encore of “All This Time.” “Fields of Gold” is one of my favorite songs and what woman doesn’t dream of hearing:

I never made promises lightly

And there have been some that I’ve broken

But I swear in the days still left

We’ll walk in fields of gold

He played for three hours with only a ten-minute break. He danced along with one song and I swooned. He wasn’t the best dancer but he was having fun and exuded confidence. Men, take note. You don’t have to be Justin Timberlake—just dance joyfully. Ladies love it.

It was magical evening, over too soon. Obviously seeing Sting was spectacular but the best part of the night was finally meeting my friend. I have no doubt we’ll have lots of fun in the future and this is a friendship I’ll appreciate, in the days still left.

“There’s no religion but sex and music.” Sting

Bigfoot

September 5, 2013 by Melani 28 Comments

Last Saturday I used my first Cheek’d card.

It took me a while. I know, I know, I’ve had them for a couple of months but I’ve not felt physically attracted to any men I’ve encountered.

OK, that’s kind of a lie.

I’m attracted to lots of men, they’re just too young. I’m having a bit of a crisis because I am consistently drawn to men in their early forties. I’ve concluded that males are at their physical peak at that age and I chronically have to remind myself that I’m fifty-two. I guess a ten year difference isn’t that awful but there’s that voice in my head whispering that a decade WILL matter when I’m eighty.

There’s nothing sexy about a chick with a walker.

SO, I’ve been scouring the crowds in my fair city to find a fifty-something man whom I can imagine cozying up to. Physical attraction is always the first step quickly followed with an assessment of just how fucked up he is. Seriously, we all are (to some degree) with a half-century of living behind us.

Back to Saturday.

I spent the day with my surrogate family—Karen and Mark, my neighbors. It was a sweltering afternoon–Finnish saunas have nothing on the NYC subway system with the soaring temps coupled with humidity. We had just returned to our neighborhood after seeing the micro-living exhibit at the Museum of the City of New York, followed by lunch at the Red Rooster in Harlem. We surmised two things: living in the tiny apartment on display might be doable if we weren’t claustrophobic AND my fried chicken kicks Red Rooster “Yard Bird” ass.

As we exited the subway station at 72nd, a mountain of a man (at least 6’4”) approached and asked for directions. He was looking for a specific shoe store in our neighborhood, one that carried footwear in larger sizes. Karen, Mark and I looked at his feet and, yep, they were massive. “What size are they?” Mark asked and he replied, “Sixteen,” with a grin.

I admit that got my attention. Ladies, my brain went where yours would, too. You know you were thinking–big feet, big…..

I noticed he had an accent but I couldn’t place it. Let’s see: tall—check, age appropriate—check, accent—check, handsome–check and the potential foot correlation was a bonus. Mark gave him directions to the shoe store on 72nd and he plodded away but not before we had a moment. You know what I mean–that thing that happens when eye contact is made and held a couple of seconds longer than necessary.

As I watched him go I remembered my Cheek’d cards and started the awkward and annoying task of rummaging through my handbag to find them.

UGH.

I fumbled endlessly until I eventually located the cards but not without puncturing my hand with the bristle of a vent brush and dirtying my fingernails with the crumbs of god-knows-what from the bottom of my bag. Next I had to choose the appropriate card and by then he’d crossed the street and disappeared. Mark and Karen had an errand on 72nd Street so I gave the card to Mark and said, “If you see him, tell him it’s from the blonde.”

Who the hell says that besides Mae West?

I walked home wondering how long it would take for contact.

Perhaps I was being overconfident as I checked my Gmail account minutes after walking in the door. Cheek’d will send a message when someone has logged on using a card.

Nada.

I assumed that Mark couldn’t find him until he sent a text letting me know he’d given Paul Bunyan the card and also confirmed he wasn’t married.

Well, maybe he was busy with shopping and I’d hear from him later.

Nope.

Perhaps, because he’s foreign, he’ll wait until he’s returned to his hotel to use their computer so as not to rack up international charges on his smartphone.

Naw.

Still nothing by the next day.

AND every day after that.

A person can only make excuses for so long before facing the harsh truth—he wasn’t interested. I wasn’t deterred, though. I took the rejection in stride and faced his lack of interest like a big girl. “Who cares that he didn’t like me.” I muttered, “We could never slow dance with those clodhoppers all up on me.”

“I’ll be better prepared next time,” I thought as I cleaned out the chasm of crud also know as my purse. I put the cards in a strategic pocket, easily accessible the next time I found myself attracted to a handsome stranger, one with normal feet, mind you. I wasn’t going to let one tiny hiccup discourage me, no siree! There was no need to spend another moment looking back or deliberating (ad nauseam) as to why he didn’t make contact. And as I gathered the unsightly pile of pocketbook debris: gum wrappers, receipts, political flyers, a golf tee, a wine cork, half of a doggie chew stick, a broken rubber band, seven paperclips, two empty bottles of hand sanitizer, a used up tube of lip balm and the pile of crumbs of unknown origin and made my way to the garbage can I knew I’d put the unfortunate incident behind me.

Almost.

As I stood over the trash receptacle brushing the crumbs from my hands I had one of Oprah’s Aha! Moments.

“OF COURSE,” I yelled, without, um, delusion. “He must be gay.”

“I really wish I was less of a thinking man and more a fool not afraid of rejection.” Billy Joel

“Katie” Appearance in Fifteen Steps

August 19, 2013 by Melani 32 Comments

1. A producer who found the blog contacted me. The show was doing a makeover segment for women who’d recently gotten back into the dating game. The entire show would be about dating.

2. After multiple email exchanges I determined it wasn’t for me. I knew I wasn’t a “fashion don’t” and they couldn’t guarantee the blog would be mentioned—the only reason I’d consider appearing. I respectfully declined.

3. I was contacted again and told the blog would be mentioned and the show wasn’t about fashion disasters, but women who wanted to modify their dating wardrobe. I agreed to appear with my fashion addition being color since I always wore black on dates (see blog post “The Uniform”).

4. I went to the “People Magazine” office and worked with the style editor (who appeared on the show) and a stylist. A colorful dress was selected and the “Katie” production assistant who met me at “People” stated that the dress was mine to keep. I was told there would be three of us appearing on the segment.

5. The morning of the taping I arrived (by car, courtesy of the show) in my “uniform” of all black for the “before” photos. I was told makeup wasn’t necessary for those pics. You bet your ass I wore makeup.

6. The stylist arrived with our clothing and after a wonderful hair and makeup experience (those ladies were fantastic) we dressed quickly then had a lengthy wait in the Green Room. Lori Zaslow from “Love Broker” was another guest and she waited, too. I loved her show and shared how much I enjoyed watching. She was incredibly nice and truly authentic.

7. Finally it was time for our segment. The all-male audience made me a little nervous. The three of us waited just off camera and I expected our introduction to be about our decision to modify our wardrobe with things we wouldn’t normally wear.

8. Imagine my shock when Katie Couric talked about our concern over a lack of dates because our clothing was “man-repelling.” I turned to the woman who would appear after me and said, “Who knew we were such fucking losers?” The first woman took the stage as I tried to figure out what to do. I was next. I felt mortified and frozen but decided that I was there for a reason and my goddamn blog would be mentioned!

9. I took a deep breath and waited for the introduction. My “before” photos in all black appeared and Ms. Couric and the style editor gave their evaluation. Katie said, “Looks a little like catwoman,” which was like a punch in the stomach. It’s bad enough that we were introduced as a group of women unable to get dates, but that statement was personal.

10. I was mean-girled by Katie Couric.

11. I walked on stage; she mentioned that I was online dating. She stated that online dating was hard and I agreed. Then I turned to the audience of men and said, “What’s up with you guys?” They laughed. Katie added that I blogged about my dating experiences. She didn’t say the name of the blog, so I did, then answered a couple of questions and my segment was over.

12. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough but as I rushed off the stage, Lori Zaslow came up to me and said, “You owned (or rocked, can’t remember) that stage. I knew I’d made the best of an awful situation and that was some consolation. I also had a great dress (DVF) for my trouble.

13. I quickly grabbed my stuff to leave. The stylist from “People Magazine” hurried over and asked me to change out of the dress, as she had to return it to the store that loaned it to her. I said we were told we would be keeping the clothes. She apologized for the misunderstanding.

14. As I waited outside the studio for my car to take me home, a man approached. He mentioned that I was back in all black. Yep, I had my uniform on since I had to return the dress. He said he was in the audience and had waited outside for me. He wondered if I would like to go out. I guess he figured I must be desperate given my man-repelling clothes that were catwoman-ish. I’m not sure what I said as I jumped in the car and slammed the door.

15. The producer said I’d get an email message letting me know when the show would air. After several months I was relieved to see it hadn’t and hoped it never would. Ten months after it taped, my daughter’s friend who lives in Philly, sent a text letting me know it was on. The show did not notify me. No surprise. I watched from the link on the website since it had already aired in NYC. I relived the experience and was embarrassed all over again. I was also incredibly disappointed to see the portions where I gave the name of the blog, and had my audience interaction, were cut.

I’ve always respected Katie Couric and identified with her in several ways. She lost her husband whom she loved very much—so did I. She raised her two daughters alone—me too. Her husband died of cancer as did mine. I also admired how hard she’d worked to be taken seriously.

What she said during the show was disheartening and beneath her. I was a guest and deserved to be treated with respect. Perhaps she was trying to be funny, but it was at my expense. On a level playing field I can roll around in the mud of insult slinging with the best of ‘em. Ask any woman who’s ever mean-girled me. I’m not one to start, but my retorts will make even the most vicious chick gasp. Obviously, National TV was not the place for my comebacks even if I could’ve gotten beyond the shock and mustered up a few zingers.

AND, it’s not just the nobodies like me–it seems she’s crossed the line with celebrities, too. Click here and here to read more on that.

Several months after the “Katie” taping I was contacted by a producer from “The Steve Harvey Show” and was understandably gun-shy. It was the opposite of my first daytime talk show experience. The entire “Steve Harvey” team was amazing and he was wonderful. Whew.

Over a year ago, I was halfway through 1yearofonlinedatingat50.com and was approached by a television production team about the possibility of shooting a pilot for a reality show based on the blog. I contemplated their offer and decided it wasn’t for me. Not the reality show, but the premise: my online dating life. I knew it would end up being one bad date after another and I’d become nothing more than a bitch. I didn’t want to be cruel for the cameras and had no desire to humiliate the men I dated (for the world to see). Sure, I was tough on them in the blog, but they were anonymous. I changed names, neighborhoods, children, etc. to guarantee they wouldn’t be identifiable. The public shaming of anyone is not something I’d enjoy.

After my experience, I’ve surmised, Ms. Couric and I don’t have as much in common as I once believed.

Here’s a link to the segment. You be the judge.

“At least for me personally, I’ve always tried to do a really good job every day, with each interview, and treat each interview seriously, and make the person I’m speaking with feel comfortable, hopefully make it an ideal experience.” Katie Couric

Text Dirty To Me

July 24, 2013 by Melani 16 Comments

The other night I had two glasses of wine and my fingers were itching to be naughty.

Yep, I wanted to sext.

White wine does that to me. I know, how bourgeoisie.

But let me be clear. I didn’t want to send nude selfies. I was just looking to exchange some sexually charged messages with the man I’m rolling around with. Unfortunately, I’m tumbling solo these days and had to settle for several games of Tetris, which I’m worried has probably become an addiction and certainly a highly unsatisfactory substitute for a warm body.

Sexting is the new normal.

My daughters tell me everyone does it.

Gone are the days of phone sex. You aren’t even supposed to leave a voicemail message anymore. During the first two years of our relationship, my late husband and I lived apart—he in Toronto and I in Las Vegas. We saw each other every two weeks but in between we had frequent phone sex. It took some coercing for him to try since all inhibitions must go with the telephonic dirty. He was a dignified guy who thought it was tawdry.

“It is,” I agreed, “That’s why it’s fun.”

Often we’d end up laughing. Sometimes the scenario created with steamy words didn’t match the mental picture but even when we were serious, it was harmless play between consenting adults.

I look forward to a future of Saucy Talk 2.0, where my fingers run free.

I had no problem with Anthony Weiner, either.

Photo courtesy of Esquire.com

Sure, it was stupid but I chalked it up to a typical guy who got caught in a ridiculous game with strangers. He wasn’t screwing those women, just behaving like lots of married men having cybersex.

Would I have been pissed if I were his wife? You better believe it. There would have been hell to pay, but I can honestly say I would’ve forgiven him. The oh so public part of it would be hard to handle, though.

Mr. Weiner suffered for his foibles. He lost his congressional seat; the world knew of his humiliating indiscretions and most importantly, his pregnant wife was the biggest victim. That was the tragic part.

BUT, everyone loves a good comeback and Anthony Weiner’s story is no exception. I was ready to vote for him in the NYC mayoral election and he was leading in several polls. It looked like he was the proverbial Phoenix and New Yorkers were about to see his rise (nope, not biting).

Then yesterday happened.

When I heard that more of his “junk” had surfaced I hoped it was from the past. Didn’t he tell us it might happen? Then I went online and read about it while waiting for the news conference. Surely he would offer proof this happened before he resigned from congress, right? He wouldn’t have continued that behavior after he was busted and certainly wouldn’t run for mayor if he hadn’t cleaned up his act?

WELL, HELL’S BELLS.

He kept it going.

Some may say it is an addiction. Maybe. Addiction specialists state a person has to hit rock bottom to change the behavior. How much lower did he have to go? What could possibly be more humbling than the consequences of his stupidity?

It appears Weiner forgot the 11th Commandment:

“Thou shalt not expose thy penis to strangers once you’ve been caught.”

For shit’s sake. His parents and in-laws now know his AKA is Carlos Danger.

“I’d leave him,” said my daughter Morgan. I was glad to hear it. It was painful to watch a woman of Huma Abedin’s stature read the statement she did. I played it over and over looking for contrition on Weiner’s face as his wife spoke. It just wasn’t there.

Perhaps he was never held accountable as a child. Maybe his parents allowed him to get away with impulsive, immature behavior and even if that’s the case, he’s now a grown man who’s chosen a public life. And he’s been fortunate. Clearly, he overachieved in his marriage and is certainly lucky to have that beautiful son. I guess it’s hard to think about a child when you’re acting like one yourself.

He should bow out of the race, IMHO. He should spend the rest of his life making it right with his wife. He should devote himself to his son and focus on living a scandal-free existence. He should do the right thing and never, ever make that mistake again because he’s used up his supply of blunders.

He lost my vote but he gets my advice:

Grow the fuck up, Carlos.

“I’ve looked on many women with lust. I’ve committed adultery in my heart many times. God knows I will do this and forgives me.” –-President Jimmy Carter

Summertime Blues

July 2, 2013 by Melani 39 Comments

I’m heading to the beach this Saturday.

NO, I won’t be wearing a bikini.

My quest to finish sixty days of Insanity and have a bikini-worthy bod has failed. Partly because I was benched after my unfortunate coccyx injury. The other part? I could give you a multitude of excuses as to why I didn’t get back on that bitch of a horse—I caught a horrible summer cold, my air conditioning sucks, I’m consumed with a new piece for a publication that’s rejected me half a dozen times, etc.

Are you rolling your eyes yet?

The truth? I just didn’t feel like doing it.

I know (for those who’ve finished the challenge), it’s life changing. I saw my body begin to transform and liked it. I simply hated that I never, ever, ever quit being sore. I’m a fairly healthy person and rarely get sick so feeling like crap day after day was depressing. There has to be some form of exercise that won’t kill me and I’m ready (gasp) to accept:

“She has a decent body, for her age.”

I might’ve cut out the offending tongue before.

I vividly remember a conversation I had in my late twenties with a cousin close to my age. We were both trying to lose the baby weight we’d gained during our pregnancies. We talked about the joy of letting it all go once we reached fifty. We decided that we’d buy lots of polyester pants with elastic waistbands and big billowy tops. Our free time would be spent skulking around garage sales. We’d eat anything we wanted—biscuits and gravy for breakfast, See’s Candies for lunch.

“Who cares when we’re old biddies!” we said, and laughed until our stomachs hurt.

What a couple of assholes.

First of all, I hate garage sales and why the hell did we think our sense of style would end once we turned fifty years old? I’m telling you now if you EVER see me wearing polyester pants walk up with a pair of scissors and cut them from my body. Leave me standing in my Hanky Panky because as embarrassing as my naked thong-wearing ass might be in public, I will not wear the fabric of my grandmother.

Um, yes, that’s a selfie I took in the mirror. What?

Now, yoga pants with Spandex or skinny jeans with Lycra? Can’t get enough. Could those be the 2013 version of polyester?

It doesn’t help that I’m experiencing the summertime blues. I’m usually happy but lately I’ve become so hangdoggie I can hardly stand myself. As I wrote last summer, lots of people feel sad around the holidays if they’re unattached but for me it’s warm weather and the lack of a plus one that brings me down. It’s not like I’m doing anything about it, though. I have the fantastic cards from Cheek’d with me at all times and just last week at Trader Joe’s I saw a handsome, age appropriate man nearby as I was checking out. I discretely maneuvered myself into a position to make sure the body matched the face and yep, it did. He was in good shape and his basket was filled with all kinds of interesting stuff.

Then I glanced down.

He was wearing sensible shoes.

A pair so tragically functional it was as if he worked in a machete factory and had butterfingers. I got so caught up in his dreadful footwear that I failed to swipe my card and the clerk had to ask my preferred method of payment–twice.

What would motivate someone to buy those beasts? Who’s his stylist, Herman Munster?

Big talk for someone whose recent muffin top expansion can’t be tamed with shape wear.

I really need a vacation.

A vacation with lots of sex would be ideal…

All right, so I’m dreaming, but certainly one day.

I’ll know him immediately by his loafers.

“A naked woman in heels is a beautiful thing. A naked man in shoes looks like a fool.” Christian Louboutin

Why Didn’t I Think of That?

June 4, 2013 by Melani 20 Comments

On Memorial Day I hosted a barbecue and invited eight guests. If movies and books are to be believed, New Yorkers have the most stimulating dinner conversations covering a wide range of topics such as: politics, literature, cool restaurants and art. I think that’s a fairly accurate portrayal. This city is filled to the brim with smart people and that took some adjusting when I first arrived.

I don’t want you to get the wrong impression. It’s not that I’m giving Einstein any competition but I do feel I’m fairly intelligent or at least did until landing in 10023.

Reality?

I’m barely a C student here.

BUT, I’ve found, no matter the zip code, the chat always, and I mean always comes around to relationships. Who’s in one, who’s still looking. Inevitably there will be someone who offers suggestions to the singletons at the table. Perhaps sharing a successful formula for finding a match.

That happened during my dinner party.

A recently engaged guest suggested (to the single ladies) that we make a commitment to meet at least once a week, preferably twice weekly, at different happy hour spots in the city. We should gather from 5:30 pm to 7:30 pm as a group in different neighborhoods to meet different kinds of guys. She said she’d join us and be our wingwoman, initiating conversations with the men we found interesting. “What do I have to lose?” she asked. Her fiancé said he’d occasionally come too.

I thought it was a brilliant strategy and one that would work perfectly with something NEW I’d stumbled upon, Cheek’d.

Here’s how Cheek’d works. You sign up and create a basic profile. You order a set of Cheek’d cards that you keep with you at all times. If you happen to see someone you are interested in you walk up, hand them a card and walk away. Simple, painless and no risk of rejection and the next move is theirs. The information on the card tells them where they can find you. They go to the cheekd.com and enter a code that takes them to your profile where they can send you a message.

How ingenious is that?

Now, instead of perusing profiles and ending up disappointed with the person once you’re face to face, you’ve already determined there’s an attraction. No more missed opportunities, either. How many times have you seen someone and wished for the courage to make contact? It happens to me often and once they’re gone the chances are almost zero that I’ll see then again. I even wrote a post about missed opportunities during my year of online dating.

The cards are clever. Here are some examples:

look up. you might miss something.

this is your lucky day.

you can thank me later.

shouldn’t you be asleep at this hour?

i’m a keeper.

this leads to someone you should meet.

don’t let me get away.

your move.

where have i been all your life?

this card is good for finding me again.

i’m totally cooler than your date.

i’m hitting on you.

So, I’m going to combine the weekly happy hour gatherings with the cards and see what happens. I’ll let you know how it goes. I’m also keeping them with me every single time I leave the apartment. You never know who you might see walking down the street or at the deli counter at Fairway Market, right?

UPDATE: Within fifteen minutes of this post going live, Lori Cheek of Cheek’d found me on Facebook and offered 50% off your card order. Use the promo code: SUMMERLOVIN. Thank you so much, Ms. Cheek!

Insanity Update: I should be almost finished with my 60-day challenge. Unfortunately, I fell a couple of weeks ago (totally sober and with an audience), and bruised my coccyx. I wrote a blog post called “Coccyx Blocked” but my “editor” told me it was quite boring so I scrapped it. The details aren’t important. Suffice to say that I took two weeks off to let my tailbone heal and started back on Insanity this week. UGH, it was too soon so I’m giving myself a little more time to recover and then I’ll get back to cursing Shaun T and that perky chick on the DVD who smiles through the torture. I’ll let you know the outcome and am still committed to wearing a bikini if the results are good.

“Opportunities are never lost; someone will take the one you miss.” Author Unknown

The Handy Man and The Universe

May 1, 2013 by Melani 42 Comments

I’m a do-it-yourselfer.

Rarely having the disposable income to hire it done has certainly contributed to the condition. In New York City there are people willing to do just about anything you don’t prefer to do–for a fee, of course.

Want a lightly toasted bagel and coffee delivered precisely ten minutes before you head to work in the morning? No problem.

Don’t want to carry groceries? Easy fix. All stores deliver.

It’s raining and your dog needs to go outside? Relax and let a dog walker wear the slicker.

I don’t indulge in the many conveniences living here offers and sometimes gripe about what a pain in the ass it is to reside in a crowded city while doing everything for yourself. Especially as I lug a new vacuum ten blocks from Bed Bath and Beyond to my apartment.

Last week I helped a friend empty her storage unit. She rented it seven years ago and the stuff had been inside, undisturbed, for all that time. Everything is crazy expensive in the city and storage units are no exception. Like most Manhattanites, she looked for ways to cut costs and paying to store forgotten possessions was a logical thing to chop. I told her if we could do it in three hours I was available as I had plans early that night (more on that later). We headed to Manhattan Mini Storage and got busy. I created three piles: Garbage, Sell, and Keep. Once finished she thanked me and commented on my physical strength as I lifted heavy boxes and suitcases from an upper level unit that required standing on a ladder and reaching inside. I am strong and I attribute that to my father. Being a girl never got me a manual labor pass. If something substantial had to be hoisted or carried I was expected to grab a side and go, without hesitation. Whining was never an option and I longed for gender discrimination at home (“Girls can’t do that!”). But since my dad did the grocery shopping and cooking along with the heavy lifting, the Equal Rights Amendment reached ratification in 1972 in one tract home on McKinley Avenue.

On Saturday I went to Home Depot. Just the scent of a hardware store makes me happy and there’s nothing I love more than walking the aisles while in my mind creating the next home improvement project I’d like to tackle. Many are just pipedreams—the result of living in a rental apartment where management might get testy if I walked in with the bathtub of my dreams and a sledgehammer.

Still, I’m considering sneaking in some glass tile and grout for a backsplash in my kitchen. I’ve watched several “how to” videos on YouTube and I think I can do it. Saturday I was there to buy containers and several bags of potting soil.

On the weekend there’s a man who sets up a stand near my street on Broadway. He sells deeply discounted flowers and plants that have seen better days. I have a suspicion he gets his wares from the dumpsters of florists. I call him Dead Flower Guy and snicker when I see people actually paying for those wilted bouquets. I turned into one of those fools on Saturday when I noticed two (not too dead) azalea plants. The price was right and I bought them. My daughter Morgan brought the car to the 3^rd Avenue Home Depot and we loaded the bags of soil and pots inside—she helped bring them into my building, too. Pedro (doorman extraordinaire) jumped up to give us a hand as he always does. “You two are always dragging in something heavy,” he said, laughing.

I planted the azaleas on Sunday afternoon. It was a beautiful day and it felt good to be in the sunshine on the terrace up to my elbows in dirt.

It was also a bit lonely.

I longed for someone to share in the toiling as well as the moment where one stands back and admires the accomplishment.

Not just any man. THE man.

Last Friday night I squeezed into shape wear and met a single girlfriend for drinks. Our goal was to find a happy hour spot where age appropriate single men gather. We started at Milos and went to another place nearby, but had no luck.

If anyone knows where men of a certain age gather after work in Manhattan, please share the love.

I haven’t been on a date since ending my year of online dating. As much as I enjoyed blogging about the experiences, one awful meeting after another took its toll. It has taken several months to consider dating again and that might explain gaining seven pounds. When I took myself off the market I was no longer competing with the plethora of walking x-rays who inhabit this city. OK, I’m a little jealous of their ability to survive each day eating only a carrot and I’ve decided to forgo Levain cookies and Empire’s snack cakes until I’m comfortable parading around my apartment in the nude with the blinds open. I’m also two weeks into the Insanity 60 Day Challenge, Shaun T is still kicking my badonk, but I’ve noticed my body is starting to change.

It’s time to get back on the horse.

My life is dogma-free. You will never find me praying to God, Allah, Buddha or Jesus. I’m not even sure what I believe. I’m more comfortable sending my hopes to the ambiguous Universe. I regularly propel thoughts out there and then forget them until what I’ve asked for materializes.

Here are a couple examples:

The only thing I miss about my home in Las Vegas is outdoor space—a rarity in Manhattan. I threw out my request and then didn’t give it another thought. A year ago a friend was moving to Palm Springs and he owned an amazing apartment a couple of blocks away. No outdoor space but it had a washer and dryer—quite a luxury. I was thrilled and couldn’t wait to move. All that was left was approval from his apartment board. “Only a technicality,” he was told. A day later my friend called with bad news. His building was pet-friendly, but only for owners. Anyone renting an apartment couldn’t have pets. I was so disappointed but I figured something better was coming. Several months later I went with a friend to an apartment on the roof of my building. She knew the tenant and was feeding her cats while she was away. I walked outside and admired the second apartment on the roof. The outdoor space was amazing. At that moment a woman walked outside to hang wet clothes on the railing and I yelled from across the roof, “You’re living in my dream apartment.” She replied, “We just gave notice. It’s available October 1^st.” One minute earlier or later I would’ve missed her. The Universe conspired to give me that information and I’m now living my dream.
I planned to get another dog. Kate was lonely and needed a friend. What I wanted was a Norwich Terrier, but I had a problem buying a dog given the amount of rescues in need of homes. A Norwich rescue just doesn’t exist as there are a small number of breeders and they keep tight control of where the puppies go. Every new owner must sign a document that states if they can no longer care for the dog they’ll return it to the breeder. They’re also very expensive. I contacted a couple of breeders and they chuckled at my naïve request. One told me, haughtily, “The Norwich is never a rescue.” Oh, pardon me. I quit thinking about a friend for Kate and figured The Universe would lead me to the right dog. Six months later I got an email message from a breeder who was a friend of a friend. She’d heard that I was looking for a rescue and she had a dog that was purchased because the buyer wanted a dog that might be good enough for Westminster. This breeder had a “Best in Breed” at Westminster many years ago and felt that the male puppy she had could be the next. After a year of working with a handler in preparation for the show ring it was determined that the dog was too big. The then-owner asked the breeder if she could give the dog to her adult daughter. The breeder agreed. Two years later the daughter had three children under five and couldn’t give the dog the proper attention. She contacted the breeder again and asked if she could return Nigel. The breeder had heard of my desire to adopt a rescue Norwich and she reached out to me. I was a bit concerned because the dog was going to be sent back to the breeder in California and I would have to fly to California to get him. I was leaving in two days for my annual summer trip to Virginia Beach so the timing was horrible. I spoke to the breeder and told her of upcoming vacation.“Where’s the dog now?” I asked.

“In Virginia,” she replied.

“Where in Virginia?”

“Virginia Beach.”

Two days later, Nigel was mine. I can’t imagine anyone thinking that was a coincidence. Thanks, Universe.

These are just two examples of things that happen often. That’s why I don’t “muscle through” life anymore. When something was difficult, the old me would plow through the muck no matter how tough–forcing the outcome. It seemed when I pushed hardest and got what I wanted it turned into a mistake. Now I know there’s a reason it’s not easy, something better is waiting if I can let go.

On Sunday, feeling lonely as I planted here’s what I asked for:

“This time around I want a man who’s handy. Someone who won’t roll his eyes but instead roll up his sleeves when I have an idea. He’s got to be sophisticated, though, and an Irish accent wouldn’t hurt.”

I know. The accent part was over the top but when sending thoughts into the ether of no deity, one is allowed to be a greedy bitch. Plus, “wouldn’t hurt” was only a suggestion.

I picture a fifty-year-old version of Gerard Butler, comfortable with a multitude of drill bits. The kind of guy who uses a level instead of determining a picture is straight by eyeballing it. I imagine we’ll tackle the occasional project together and he’ll do most of the heavy lifting. I can see us laughing as we work and when we’re finished, he’ll put his arm around me while we admire our accomplishment. Later that evening he’ll suggest I put on something sexy since he’s made a dinner reservation at Per Se.

“Tonight you’re ordering two desserts,” he’ll say, “because you’re much too skinny.”

If you dream, dream big, right? I won’t dwell, Universe.

Work your magic.

“The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science. He to whom the emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand wrapped in awe, is as good as dead —his eyes are closed. The insight into the mystery of life, coupled though it be with fear, has also given rise to religion. To know what is impenetrable to us really exists, manifesting itself as the highest wisdom and the most radiant beauty, which our dull faculties can comprehend only in their most primitive forms—this knowledge, this feeling is at the center of true religiousness.” Albert Einstein

To read an interview I gave to Kevin Ryan for Huffington Post click here.

Are You Insane?

April 16, 2013 by Melani 35 Comments

This morning I crawled to Central Park.

OK, “crawled” is probably the wrong word. I slowly and painfully maneuvered the streets from my apartment to doggie paradise with a stiff-legged hitch-y walk that should only be described as strange. Even Nigel was embarrassed to be seen with me.

“I’m so ashamed. All the dogs are laughing at us.”

Kate just pretended I was her dog walker.

“I don’t even know her name. She gets paid to walk us.”

Was I out partying the night before with an amazing man? Did the evening end with bedroom gymnastics that wreaked havoc on my middle-aged bod?

Don’t I wish.

I haven’t been on a date since ending my year of blogging. The highlight of my weekend was buying a new sofa and these days I’m buying flowers for myself.

The reason people on the streets were looking at me oddly as I winced my way east is because I started the Insanity Workout. Yesterday was simply the fitness test portion and I can only assume, by the level of agony I’m experiencing, I failed miserably. Shaun T asked if I was ready to dig deep. “Shut up, Shaun. I’ll be lucky to scratch around the surface for forty minutes.” It took me all of sixty seconds for the perky little six pack abs chick to get on my nerves. She was all bubbly and smiley as I groaned and panted through the process.

Insanity claims that if you do the workout for 60 days you’ll have the beach body that would normally take a year to achieve. Um, we’ll see. I’ve been gearing up for this for about a month. I even bought new shoes and I hate to spend money on footwear that won’t contribute a thing to my wardrobe.

My daughter Morgan has a couple of friends who’ve had amazing results. Granted, they’re twenty-somethings and their nimble bodies spring back much quicker. I’m well aware my lissome days are over, but do I have one more bikini body summer lurking under the aftermath of a sedentary winter?

I’ve let myself go over the last several months and the result is a seven-pound weight gain. I kept it together during my year of online dating. “Put your best ass forward,” and all that. I also had great motivation to stay on top of the weight with the appearances on The Steve Harvey Show.

All it takes is to see one television personality in the flesh to understand just how skinny one must be to appear normal. Believe me, if someone looks slightly chubby on the small screen, they’re probably in need of IV nutrition.

At one time I had a hot body and it wasn’t in my twenties, but my thirties. I’m not saying that to brag. It’s the truth.

My friend Rick took me to see Rod Stewart on a dateless Valentine’s Day. I call this the “illusive collarbone shot.”

I wore a size two and NOTHING jiggled. Sure, I worked out but it was easy back then. I’d go to the gym, lift some lighter weights, take an aerobics class a few times a week and voilà my body rocked. As I’ve said before, the thirties were my glory years for a number of reasons. It was when I discovered the woman buried under the bad marriage and (much too young) motherhood of my twenties. It didn’t hurt to have the outside package to accompany the good stuff going on beneath the surface.

The quality is awful because I’ve often held it and cried.

Why the hell didn’t I take nude photos?

I swear I’d have them up in my living room today. In fact, I’d probably forgo any other form of wall adornment for poster-size birthday suit pics anywhere the eye could see.

“Yeah, Time Warner cable guy, those are my lady bits right there on the wall. Give ’em a good look.”

I took the recommended photos of my before body. It is suggested that those participating in the Insanity program download them to the site for everyone to see and so after sixty days you can get the “I’ve Earned It” t-shirt.

Are they out of their fucking minds?

If I’m showing anyone this muffin top he’d better be liquored up, buck naked and ready to tell all kinds of lies. I wouldn’t walk down a flight of stairs for a goddamn t-shirt. Maybe a spoonful of Skippy Natural Creamy with Honey, though.

BUT, I will promise you this. If I make it through the challenge AND I think my body looks reasonably acceptable in a bikini, I’ll post a photo on the blog. So far one day in and I’m ready to quit. Who knew the fat on the side of one’s knees could be so sore? Those bat wing thingamajigs at the back of my armpits, too?

UGH, aging.

This morning as I staggered back from Central Park and into the building my doorman Frank asked about my unusual gait. He’s wanted to try Insanity and quizzed me about it. I have no doubt he’ll have a much easier time than me and when I finally made it to the elevator, Frank yelled one final question my way,

“Are you sure you’re ready for all the attention you’ll have if you get that beach body?”

Now that was snicker-worthy. If I can rock a bikini for one more summer, this time around I’ll be grateful for any second glance I might receive. I’ll savor every moment because today I’m acutely aware of just how fleeting those experiences can be.

BRING IT ON, BITCHES.

“The afternoon knows what the morning never suspected.” Robert Frost

Where The Hell Have I Been?

April 8, 2013 by Melani 10 Comments

As I stepped off the plane and into the jet bridge the sunshine streaming through the small window reminded me of where I was. Home. It was wince-worthy and I mumbled a curse word or two as I diverted my eyes. Growing up in perpetual sunshine I craved gloomy overcast days.

My father was having health issues and I’d returned to Las Vegas to spend time with him. His wife was traveling and he shouldn’t be alone. It is a painful thing to witness the inevitable decline of a parent. The loss of dignity in the aging process sometimes feels like a kick to the stomach especially when the father has been the invincible one.

My dad’s home abuts a mesa where I used to walk my dogs every morning. It was the desert at its best—rabbits, lizards, snakes and even the occasional coyote. It’s been almost four years since I trekked through the sagebrush and stepped around the occasional abandoned mattress–dumped by someone not wanting to dispose of it properly—and it felt odd to be back. A lot had changed. I took my dad’s elderly dog, Buffy, out for a daily walk in the “new and improved” Whitney Mesa. It’s become a park filled with paved walkways, grassy areas, picnic tables and a playground. They’ve even put up warning signs.

I’m not a fan.

It’s quite lovely and exceptionally clean but the wildness is gone.

My last visit to the mesa before leaving for New York City four years ago included the perfect sendoff. For several months prior to my departure each walk included a lone coyote. I’d see him in the distance out of the corner of my eye and then he’d disappear into the brush or his den. I’d seen many coyotes growing up in the desert, but he was the largest and his coloring was not the typical light brown, he was almost white.

It made me a little nervous but he was always a respectable distance away. Still, I took to carrying pepper spray just in case.

On that last day in late August everything changed. I found out later from one of my dad’s neighbors that he’d taken a mate and they thought there might be pups. The coyote had little fear of humans as some had been feeding him. Big mistake. This time he brazenly stalked my dogs and me. He followed about fifty yards behind us and when I stopped and turned around he would pause, as well, while boldly staring me down. I did not feel safe and I knew he probably intended to make a meal of Kate. I also had my daughter’s dog Lola, a tasty pug casserole, indeed.

As the coyote began closing the distance between us I realized that he wasn’t going to let me walk out of the mesa before making his move and the gate leading to my father’s street was too far away to make a dash for it. I also remembered what my idol Cesar Milan said. “Once you start running you become prey.”

He was about twenty yards away and I pulled the dogs closer as I whipped around and stared him down. “GET OUTTA HERE,” I yelled, stomping my feet and waving my hands while channeling Barry White’s deep voice. The coyote began barking—an eerie sound that was feral with nothing dog-like about it. It seemed to go on forever and my pack was terrified.

This is exactly what it sounded like: CLICK HERE.

That could give you nightmares, right?

Party girl Lola had her ears flat and her head low and Kate was next to me, quivering with her eyes on the predator. I continued to yell and stomp and he kept barking. The hair on the back of my neck stood up with his unnerving wail as it reverberated off the sandstone walls surrounding us.

I looked around for some sort of stick to use but there was none so I picked up a rock and hurled it in his direction. He yelped in surprise as it skidded next to him. Then he was silent. I waved my arms some more and growled, “GET GOING,” over and over as I looked around for another rock. He seemed to know I was going to throw something else. His ears flattened, his head dropped as he slowly, ever so slowly skulked away.

It was finally quiet and I think I could hear my heart pounding.

Then the clapping and cheering started.

Really, it did.

“WHOO HOO. GOOD FOR YOU. YOU DID IT.”

I hadn’t realized there was an audience. Two neighbors were in their backyard watching the standoff behind the cement block fence that bordered their home.

“He’s been getting more and more aggressive,” they shouted.

I felt sort of proud, kind of Annie Oakley-ish, but it was also confirmation that the change I was making was the right one. I wouldn’t have gone back to that mesa again with the dogs as long as the coyote was there and with the housing boom the desert had turned into one big tract home development after another, encroaching on the wildlife that was there first.

It was as if that coyote had had enough.

I respected his bravado.

The following morning I got in my car and started my cross-country drive to the Big Apple. I thought about the safety in walking Kate on the streets of Manhattan. Little did I know she’d get out one night and end up alone in Central Park where–I was shocked to learn–there have been numerous coyote sightings.

Boot Camp Update: I held the first Online Dating Boot Camp/Workshop on March 19^th at Redemption Bar.

It was great fun. If you’re interested in what some of the attendees had to say about the experience, click on the Boot Camp tab to read their testimonials. I’ll add more as soon as I receive them. I’m holding another towards the end of April or beginning of May. I haven’t got a firm date yet, but if you’re interested in attending (or know someone who might be) just shoot me an email through the contact form on this website and I’ll get the information to you once I’ve settled on the date. I’m also doing some private consulting and I’ll soon be posting a testimonial from my first client. Who knew I could take my year of blogging and turn it into something like this? I guess it makes being scarred for LIFE almost worth it. Ha!

“We have to instill fear of people back into coyotes.” Paul Curtis

For Men Only

February 27, 2013 by Melani 6 Comments

When I appeared on The Steve Harvey Show something that stuck in my craw was a statement Steve made. “I think the blog is hurting your chances of meeting a man.” Then he followed with “You should quit the blog.” That last suggestion ended up on the cutting room floor so those watching the show didn’t hear it. Oh, but I did.

I wasn’t elated.

Now, I knew that most men I dated weren’t thrilled with the prospect of becoming blog fodder. What kind of idiot would enjoy that? But the blog had brought such joy to my life. I loved the comments from readers. Especially when my tales resonated with women. It was the reason I’d started the thing in the first place since I was looking for, and couldn’t find, a narrative that confirmed what one needs when dealing with a touch situation:

“You are not alone.”

I was over the moon when I received comments from men who read the blog and used it as a What Not To Do manifesto. When Steve told me to quit before the year was up I was annoyed. Didn’t he understand I had a loyal following?

I’d made a commitment, damnit!

“Are you making any money from the blog?” Mr. Harvey asked when he saw the look on my face. He was probably thinking: This bitch is crazy.

“No, and my year is almost up. I have two months left.”

He suggested that since I was an attractive, positive woman I should blog about that. Put those dating tales of woe behind me. Yeah, it was sage advice and it wasn’t happening.

BUT it did get me thinking.

There had to be a way to use the blog as a springboard to other things that might help me earn a living. The obvious choice was a book. I’m working on that now, but I came up with a second idea just after DatingAdvice.com named me one of the “Ten Best Online Dating Experts.”

Sheesh, that was unexpected and quite an honor.

I decided to create an online dating workshop/boot camp for men (click on the tab if you’re interested). A three hour class where twenty men are taken through the online dating process–beginning to end. A friend of mine gave it a subtitle: Making the World a Better Place for Women: Twenty Clueless Men at a Time. She wasn’t being mean. What I’d give to take a class on what men were really thinking. I’d love to better understand the common, yet quirky aspects of the average guy.

In a couple of weeks I’ll hold my first workshop. I’m very comfortable in front of an audience. I was a corporate trainer for the bulk of my career. Give me snappy presentation and a room full of bodies and I’ll do my thing. It’s never boring. I’ve found that any subject is better with humor. In my former career you should’ve seen what I did with Harassment and Discrimination Awareness–brought the house down with that one.

My latest Huffpost piece is all about the upcoming boot camp. If you’re a follower who’s transitioned from www.1yearofonlinedatingat50.com to here and you are feeling charitable, I’d appreciate a comment on The Huffington Post site. If you could direct your comment to the men who might be reading the article and considering the workshop, I’d be grateful. Let them know why you think they should attend.

CLICK HERE to be directed to the article on The Huffington Post.

I’ll keep you updated on the workshop. I know there will be some fascinating stories that come from the experience.

“Change is the end result of all true learning.” Leo Buscaglia

Luck

February 13, 2013 by Melani 32 Comments

Neal’s plane from Toronto was delayed several hours. I hadn’t checked the flights before leaving the house so I was at McCarran Airport two hours ahead of schedule. It was rare that I had nothing to do with raising two teenagers and a demanding job. I meandered through the stores looking at stuff that visitors bought last minute to commemorate their trip to Sin City.

As I picked up Las Vegas shot glasses, flipped through racks of cheesy T-shirts and caught up on celebrity gossip in the magazine section, I thought about luck.

Many previous V-days were spent with a man I’d been with off and on for several years. Our relationship was far from perfect—some might say even toxic—but I was worn down and tired of hoping for something better. He loved my daughters and me and I wanted to have a partner.

BUT there’s nothing that illuminates a bad pairing more than meeting the Yin to one’s Yang.

Earlier that day a ridiculously large box of tulips was delivered to my office.

My favorite flower, and there were dozens in that package direct from Holland. There was also a note:

We’re so lucky to have found each other. Some of the women you work with won’t receive flowers today. Please share these with them. I love you forever, Neal.

Waiting just outside of Security I saw him approaching before he saw me. No matter how many times I watched him head my way I still couldn’t believe he was with me.

He always carried on his bag—not trusting baggage handlers in what he called “cowboy country.” By then it was almost midnight and we decided to drive until we got tired. We’d booked a room for the weekend in our destination, but we weren’t going to make it there that night.

By Barstow we were bushed. A bedraggled motel was the best we could do and Neal chastised me for walking barefoot from the shower to the bed as he brushed his teeth—wearing only his loafers.

Waiting for me on the pillow was a card and my favorite holiday sweets. Neal was a Godiva Chocolates sort of guy but that box would be for some other chick. I’m vintage and get an unnaturally large kick out of these.

Come on. If my candy’s saying:

“Cutie Pie”

Purr Fect”

“So Fine”

Or the best:

“Cool Cat”

It can’t be wrong.

The next morning we grabbed a McMuffin, and hit the road. A couple of hours later we’d arrived. I’ve been to lots of romantic spots but there’s something about Laguna Beach that’s especially magical. This was not a new experience—I’d been there multiple times since I was a child–I’d also visited with other men. The difference that weekend was that Neal and I were so in love. We could be anywhere and immersed in each other, but given that setting that exuded eroticism and it was almost overwhelming. It wasn’t that we did anything different than I’d done previously but it was the ocean, the way it looked, the salty scent and feel on the skin, the relaxed beach town vibe that encouraged the tactile.

We stayed at the Surf and Sand Resort and slept that Saturday night with the door to our balcony open.

The sound of the waves crashing caused me to fall into a deep sleep that would’ve lasted until morning had Neal not awakened me. Always a light and sporadic sleeper I would often find the space next to me empty but on that night he was there, his mouth next to my ear, repeating my name.

He took my hand and led me to the balcony overlooking the surf. He wanted to share the view of the deserted beach and the water lit up by the moon. We were alone.

The next morning we took a walk on that beach and I asked him to go barefoot. He protested, reminding me how much he disliked sand between his toes–so unclean, and all that. But he finally acquiesced and grimaced a little for effect.

I knew the truth.

Neal was so beautiful in (almost) every way but he had the most heinous feet. Large, wide caveman-like monstrosities with a big toe that was startling in it’s girth. The first time I saw those tootsies I winced and then insisted he put them in my lap for closer inspection. After a few minutes of silent observation while running my hands over every part I nodded and said:

“Yep, those are without a doubt the ugliest feet I’ve ever seen.”

After he died, when I needed to smile I’d simply put my hand into his shoe to feel the deep impression left in the lining by that toe. I’d remember my merciless teasing and his laughter that always followed.

So Neal took off his shoes, we walked on the beach barefoot and then asked a stranger to take a photo.

The drive back to Las Vegas (and to the airport for his departure) was a quiet but comfortable one. We were both smoothed out–mellowed by the experience. Neal told me that for the first time, in as long as he could remember, he slept for the entire flight back to Toronto.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

“I’ve been lucky. I’ll be lucky again.” Bette Davis

After the Show—Second Steve Harvey Experience

January 30, 2013 by Melani 24 Comments

I grew up in Las Vegas and there are certain things one might associate with a desert. Lizards, cacti, tumbleweeds and hot, oh so hot weather, but an ice skating rink? Not a chance. But just like so many contradictory things about my hometown there it was, The International Ice Palace, juxtaposed in a shopping center with a parking lot of black pavement so scorching that on most days could burn the soles off your feet. I was in sixth grade and on Friday afternoons we rode the bus from our school to the indoor rink for a few hours of zipping around in circles with rented white skates.

I was pretty good.

I was also eleven years old.

Have you ever had a skill you acquired in your youth that kicks your ass in adulthood?

Humbling, right?

How about having that humiliation on national television? That was my biggest fear when the producers of The Steve Harvey Show told me that one of my arranged dates with Rick would include ice-skating. I’m, um, a bit of a klutz. In a post I wrote on www.1yearofonlinedatingat50.com I describe a date where I fell flat on my ass.

In a fancy restaurant.

Packed with the lunchtime crowd.

On a first date.

Here’s what my friends say:

“You glide into a room—head high, shoulders back like you own the place then you eat shit better than anyone.”

Have I mentioned that I have the most charming group of friends?

Alright, enough bellyaching–on to the dates.

I waited on the bench outside of the skating rink for Rick. I had a smile on my face but inside I was a wreck. What if I didn’t feel any attraction towards this man? I’d already had that sort of experience with my last date on the show and was worried that it would begin to look like a pattern. “Is this a pattern?” I asked myself while waiting.

When I saw Rick approaching I turned towards the producer and saw her smiling.

Halle-flippin-lujah!

He was good looking,–I was definitely attracted to him physically, and after a few minutes of speaking he seemed like a nice man. We laced our skates, hit the ice and Rick confirmed my initial impression. He was a true gentleman. He extended his arm as soon as he saw my apprehension. I was grateful.

Shit, that ice was slippery.

I can hear you say DUH from here, by the way.

I’d also forgotten just how much ankle strength it requires. Not wanting to be a big whiner, I skated through the pain, but let me tell you if my fifty-one year old ankles could talk they would’ve said,

“Bitch, please. Sit your ass down and drink some hot chocolate and add a shot of whiskey.”

Here’s what I knew by the end of the first date:

1. I was physically attracted to Rick.

2. I liked him as a person.

3. He was a gentleman.

4. I needed to elevate my throbbing ankles and get my hands on some pain meds, pronto.

I believe the second date (salsa dancing) gave me more anxiety than the first and here’s why. I’m not a horrible dancer but no one’s mistaking me for J-Lo either. Sad but true–I’m no Fly Girl. Just think about it the next time you hit the dance floor at a party. Would you want millions of strangers watching you shake your groove thing? Then there was the awkwardness of being so physically close to a man I didn’t know well, but salsa it was.

Rick was a much better dancer than I. I’m not sure if you’ll see that in the video, but he rocked. After a few minutes with our patient (and ridiculously young and beautiful) dance instructor, I forgot the cameras were rolling and began to relax and enjoy the lesson.

PLUS, I had on great shoes. If one’s going to look like a fool it’s best to do it fashionably.

Chie Mihara-several years old. LOVE these!

After an hour of those hip moves I’d forgotten my ankles and focused on the icepack I’d be putting on my midsection once I returned to the hotel. I’m reminded of my grandmother—damn you, aging process!

Rick and I didn’t have much time to talk and I looked forward to our third date, which I was glad to know didn’t include zip lining or bungee jumping.

Dinner, just dinner.

Rick looked amazing as he walked towards the table in his suit. It was a perfect fit and I loved the European cut. I was very relaxed and during dinner I got to know him much better. He talked about his adult children and the significance of being a good father. He also talked briefly about his divorce and asked me about mine and that’s when I shared that I was a widow. I know that’s not the sort of information that’s expected and I usually share it on the first date. I think perhaps that’s too soon and I was glad I waited this time. Mr. Harvey gave me that advice the last time I was on the show and he was right.

The food and wine were absolutely amazing at Acadia.

No sign so you really have to know what you’re looking for.

I HIGHLY recommend this glorious restaurant if you’re in Chicago. Here are some photos that Rick asked me to take of the food.

Mussel-compliments of the chef. One bite of amazing.

Rick and I shared this first course of beet salad. Yum!

We also shared their version of risotto. Amazing.

We also shared their version of risotto. Excellent.

Rick had the beef. I had a bite and it was sublime.

I had the lobster. The best I’ve ever tasted.

As you can see, they are each a work of art and my compliments to the fabulous chef, our server, Carlos, and the warm and welcoming hostess—what a perfect dining experience from start to finish.

After dinner we shared a cab and Rick walked me into my hotel. He really is such a gentleman. We had a nightcap at the hotel bar, and it was nice to talk without cameras. We were going to try to get together the following evening but Rick had been coughing during dinner and it got worse during our drink. By the following day he was quite ill and we had to postpone our date (sans cameras) but we had a lengthy phone conversation.

The next time we saw each other was during the taping of the show. I thought Rick looked quite dashing in his suit and there wasn’t any awkwardness between us. He suggested we go on a fourth date—a cooking class. We both are foodies.

We’ve exchanged several text messages and talked in the last two weeks. Rick lives in the Chicago area and I’m in New York. Everyone knows that a long distance relationship is difficult, but simply dating long distance seems even tougher. Who knows? Perhaps I’ll visit Chicago or Rick will have a reason to be in NYC. If either happens I have no doubt that we’ll meet up again. It will probably be that cooking class he suggested. After three dates I don’t know everything about him but what I do know is he’s a man of his word.

Handsome, smart and guy who does what he says. I think it’s safe to say that Rick is quite a catch.

I’m the first to laugh at my clumsiness. Check out these outtakes from the show by clicking here.

Click here for our message to Steve.

“I’m the most uncoordinated clumsy, klutzy person. I always had a bruise, I always tripped and fell.” Katherine Heigl

Chemistry: Finale

I couldn’t take it anymore.

Let the over-sharing begin.

UNNECESSARY.

Good Ole Reliable Rob.

Chemistry: Part Two

OK, here we go.

LET THE CYBERSTALKING BEGIN!

LET THE “I THINK HE’S AN ASSHOLE” FRENZIED SEARCH PROCEED!

To be continued…

Chemistry: Part One

Cyber Cojones

A Spa Day

SWEATSHIRTS, UGGS, AND RANDI ZUCKERBERG

Yep, you read that right. Randi flippin’ Zuckerberg!!

“I’m reaching out to see if you’d be interested in joining a 1:1 Skype session with Randi as part of her influencer/blogger satellite tour.”

Was a Zuckerberg really contacting me?

The Teacher

Again? OK!

My Intimate Night With Sting

Bigfoot

“Katie” Appearance in Fifteen Steps

Text Dirty To Me

Summertime Blues

Why Didn’t I Think of That?

The Handy Man and The Universe

Are You Insane?

Where The Hell Have I Been?

For Men Only

Luck

After the Show—Second Steve Harvey Experience

If you enjoyed following along during my ridiculous year of online dating, you’ll love the book.

New stories, previously untold details, and an embarrassing amount of over-sharing.

What’s not to love?

SIGN UP TO BE NOTIFIED WHEN IT’S HOT OFF THE PRESS:

I couldn’t take it anymore.

Let the over-sharing begin.

UNNECESSARY.

Good Ole Reliable Rob.

OK, here we go.

LET THE CYBERSTALKING BEGIN!

LET THE “I THINK HE’S AN ASSHOLE” FRENZIED SEARCH PROCEED!

To be continued…

Yep, you read that right. Randi flippin’ Zuckerberg!!

“I’m reaching out to see if you’d be interested in joining a 1:1 Skype session with Randi as part of her influencer/blogger satellite tour.”

Was a Zuckerberg really contacting me?

I have a new blog and am willing to cross-promote yours on my site if you’ll do the same.

I haven’t had a chance to read all of your blog but I just started my own about online dating from a younger person’s perspective and mine is really funny. Would love a plug.

I’m not sure how this is done, or what the etiquette is, but I was wondering if you’d allow a link on your blog to my blog, which I just started two months ago. I would of course reciprocate. Thanks, Amy

Please don’t contact me to suggest I share your blog with my followers in exchange for reciprocation on yours. A quid pro quo-based endorsement of your work shows zero integrity.

I thought I was there. Paradise. At the least, it was within my reach. The man of my dreams–literary, brilliant, a trifle kinky–turned out to be an insecure, compulsive porn addict with bipolar disorder and pretensions to spare.

And so I was pitched back into the purgatory of single womanhood by this yellow-fanged, shaggy goat of a self-anointed god.

Hell hath no fury like a lousy lover scorned!

If you enjoyed following along during my ridiculous year of online dating, you’ll love the book. New stories, previously untold details, and an embarrassing amount of over-sharing. What’s not to love?

SIGN UP TO BE NOTIFIED WHEN IT’S HOT OFF THE PRESS:

If you enjoyed following along during my ridiculous year of online dating, you’ll love the book.

New stories, previously untold details, and an embarrassing amount of over-sharing.

What’s not to love?