If you’ve moved to New York City from a more suburban setting you will occasionally reach a state of mind that is not of the New York variety. I know, Billy Joel sings a persuasive anthem but there’s sometimes a yearning for a simpler life in this complicated place. The pace can be overwhelming for those who would like to read a label in the grocery store or even linger for a moment at the selection of canned tomatoes. Not possible here. Know exactly what you want, get in, get your stuff and don’t you dare use a shopping cart that clogs the already congested aisles. Carry everything in a basket and keep it tucked close to your body—along with those elbows. Then lug those heavy bags home on crowded sidewalks with pedestrians moving at a frenetic pace. Don’t even think about slowing your gait and if you need to shift the bag to the other hand, pull to the side. Proceed quickly, do not stop or you’ll certainly be told by one of the locals, “What the fuck are you doing?” or “Hey, dumbass, you can’t block the sidewalk.” OK, I admit I’ve corrected my share of tourists. I’m a little bit kinder—but not much.
Every few months I long for the lavishness of a huge shopping cart, opulence of wide aisles, and, of course, the decadence of a car filled with groceries to be carried the briefest few steps from the trunk to the home. That’s when I schedule my spa day—at Costco.
A friend of mine has a membership. Well, actually her father in Texas does and I can’t remember how we got on the subject but once I knew she was a “legacy in the making” I suggested she ask to be added to his account. A couple of days ago I picked her up (in my car!) and we headed to the Harlem Costco. I love these trips. My friend has lived in the city for most of her adult life but occasionally longs for the simplicity the suburbia of her youth provided. We like to meander down every single aisle while discussing earthshaking topics such as the “The Real Housewives” of whatever city is currently on Bravo, or the undeniable need for 100 plastic storage containers with color-coded lids. My shopping list was short, cat litter and Diet Coke, but I brought three hundred cash because one never knows when the perfect memory foam/cool gel pillow or cozy pair of slippers might materialize. Bought both. We also look forward to the samples. We’ll try just about anything—especially if it’s highly caloric or carb-packed. Unfortunately on this trip, Costco decided to go all healthy. Greek yogurt spread on pita chips and veggie/fruit smoothies—chock full of Omega this and that. Spare me.
We always catch up during our wanderings and she asked about the New Year’s Eve party I was going to attend. It started out with promise—a big party at a private residence in Chelsea. Then it transitioned. First was the email instructing guests to bring their favorite libation. OK, I planned to take a bottle of good champagne for the hostess so that wasn’t too annoying, but still, it felt a little frat party BYOB and the only role I could play these days at a fraternity is House Mother. Next, a second email instructed guests to sign up to bring some sort of snack. That note closed with the guidance to come dressed in “cocktail attire.” Really? You want me to put on fancy clothes then schlep guacamole and chips? The party had transitioned into a potluck—not that there’s anything wrong with potlucks. I just wouldn’t show up to one in sequins and four-inch heels carrying a platter of Rumaki. My friend was equally appalled—one of the things I love about her. I didn’t attend that soiree but instead took the bottle of Perrier-Jouet downstairs and shared it with my favorite neighbors. They provided caviar—my kind of potluck.
I was giving serious consideration to hosting a party next New Year’s Eve, I told my friend. She thought that was a great idea and reminded me that by the end of 2014 I’d be married. Yes, you read that right. I’m getting married this year. Now don’t get uppity. I’ve not been holding out and hiding the engagement ring. I, um, haven’t met my husband yet. A psychic (friend of a friend) who said she’s never wrong, told me over a glass of wine that I would meet a man so right and we’ll have a whirlwind courtship ending in marriage this year! Have I ever told you I don’t have any desire to get married again? None.
We walked a few more aisles and segued into wedding plans, which we agreed could be seamlessly combined with the party. I’d invite all my closest friends to a New Year’s Eve celebration and surprise them by getting hitched. Costco, not Disneyland, is the happiest place on earth. Where else can a person plan a lifetime of joy AND buy Charmin in bulk?
Two hours later we headed to the checkout line—the ultimate consumers, it took both of us to push the overflowing shopping cart. I had to run back and snag a plush rug for my bathroom–a last minute must have–even though I already have plenty. You can never have enough plush rugs, though. I think Yoda said that.
We finished as we always do with a quick stop at the snack bar because there’s nothing like a Costco dog. It is at this stage that we, without fail, misplace our receipts and will later dig through our handbags at the door while security looks on patiently. We could never get away with this level of lameness in our neighborhood grocery stores. We’d be physically tossed to the curb and banned for life.
At the end of the spa day I’m relaxed even as I struggle to find space in my small apartment for the stuff I just bought. The chocolate muffin purchase adds to the Zen-like atmosphere and gives me a way to finish the perfect day with the final fistful of luxury. Seriously, try them.
“I love to take things that are everyday and comforting and make them into the most luxurious things in the world.” Marc Jacobs
Melani
As always you make me smile and laugh. I agree that good champagne and caviar are the best pot luck ever, plus no cocktail attire – bonus! Costco is a rare trip for me – I just cannot purchase 14 huge chocolate muffins and not feel buyers remorse! Great post and start to the New Year, Cheers!
I think I could live on caviar and champagne, Tracy, if I could afford it! The caviar was much less expensive in Russia and sometimes I would buy a four ounce jar and we would have only that for dinner (with vodka, of course). Amazing how so little can be filling. Of course I had toast points, creme fraiche, onions and egg. Delicious. Thanks for your sweet comment! By the way, you can now buy the muffins in a package of six. They freeze well, too. No buyers remorse!
I sound so fucking domestic in this comment, I could almost puke.
Hi Melani,
Once again, I love your wit and the manner in which you express your everyday experiences. My dream would be to live a day in your shoes.
I know what you mean about NYC. Just returned ate at Del Frisco’s and toured Bryant Park and took the Beatles in at B.B. Kings!
Like I said in previous e mails I could easily adapt to this lifestyle.
Keep these e mails coming, Melani.
Thanks,
Maureen in Boston, Ma
It sounds like you had a great time in the city, Maureen. Thank you for your kind words. I’ll keep the posts coming!
Sometimes I have the biggest jones for a Costco dog so I drive there and get one and don’t even shop. I would probably be a sidewalk victim.
You would never be a sidewalk victim, June. Too much pep in your step! Those dogs are good.
Hi Melani, always enjoy what you write. You bring a smile to my face. When & if I go to Costco I do enjoy their samples. Ice cream at the snack bar is good too. Enjoy your day
You’re right, Irene. The ice cream is great. Good to hear you enjoyed the post. Thanks for taking the time to comment!
HILARIOUS!! I’m down with the Costco dog, chocolate muffins…..but I was waiting for the giant tub of Redvines to mysteriously end up in your cart….somehow it always ends up in mine. I’m marking my calendar now for the big event next New Years. Lucky guy!!!!
I’m in good company then, Debbie! The Redvines sneak into the cart when my daughters tag along. Mark your calendar, for sure. Wouldn’t it be funny if I met him at Costco? Ha!
As a 54 year old widow it is sometimes hard to figure out where I fit in the world. Costco is the great equalizer. Great post, Melani – made made me smile this morning!
Costco is the great equalizer, Lynn. I know what you mean about wondering where you fit in the world. I ponder that all the time. Glad I could start your morning with a smile!
Hi Melanie! (and dear Nigel)
Well I’m convinced I wouldn’t survive one day in NYC and I will never take my weekly trips to Costco for granted! I wonder if Nigel misses the suburbs : )
Hugs,
Dori
Never take Costco for granted, Dori! Nigel is a genteel boy and he’s embraced city life. The hour each day that he roams Central Park off leash lets him get in touch with his less urban side, though. Yesterday he and Kate almost caught a squirrel–they tag-teamed the poor thing. I’m not sure what they’d do if they caught it, but thankfully it got up the tree. Nigel was an enthusiastic hunter again today–until it started to snow. Then he couldn’t get home fast enough.
Hello Melani,
I am not trying to rain on anyone’s parade, certainly not yours,
but I wish to put in a plug for Social Security awareness for widows/divorcees considering remarriage.Check for yourselves, of course, I am not a professional, but:
If you are under 60, and divorced from your last marriage which lasted 10 years or more, you will eventually be eligible for half
the amount your ex would receive if s/he received full benefits.
getting remarried before 60 means you will not be entitled to those benefits.
If your last marriage ended in death, even if you were married for nine months (even less in some circumstance) you will be entitled to regular widow’s benefits at retirement age. I believe if you get remarried at 60, you can still get the benefits, but if you were, just as an example (!) Melani who is very far from 60 (and totally smoking),
you might want to consider what you are losing in retirement benefits
(for example, if you were to divorce the next spouse in under 10 years).
Sorry to be a downer!!!!
I like your blog enough to have resubscribed after I went on a binge of getting rid of blogs from my feeder!
liza
Thanks, Liza, and you’re not raining on my parade. I don’t have any desire to get married again–Social Security widow’s benefits or not. I said that in the post. Yes, the psychic said I’d be getting married this year but I’d forgotten until my friend reminded me–and she was joking. We were being facetious when “planning” the combo party/wedding. Thanks for sharing in any case. It is good information that many people probably don’t know. I’m happy to hear you resubscribed. I go on those Unsubscribe binges, too. It’s usually clothing websites-and I always end up going back.
My Goodness Melani, but you have been assigned a serious New Year task indeed. This will definitely provide lively subject matter to interest we your faithful readers. I myself am not convinced about the wisdom of resolutions and tend to soften them somewhat – my 2014 “intentions” are to change my living situation and this could be a different apartment in my same neighborhood – or possibly on a different continent – and although I am indeed open to different job and/or partnership arrangements, I’m not prepared to resolve either of these. At the beginning of 2013 I sort of set an intention that I should go out on a date and I am pleased to be able to report success at this prior to year-end, and it was ok. Relaxation is certainly where you find it and I understand the attraction of American excesses, when I am in the USA visiting I will occasionally go to the Home Place and walk though warehouse aisles lusting at shower fixtures, stoves, ovens, automatic sprinkler systems and TOOLS, there is so much that is available in the land of plenty. I send you best wishes and thanks, I’m always cheered up when I see a new post from you in my mailbox.
I’m not taking the task too seriously, Kern. As much as I’d like to be swept away again, I’m not printing the “Save the Date” announcements. I think I’ll try to keep it simple and follow your lead from 2013. I’d like to really, really want to go on a second date with someone in 2014 and then take it from there. American excesses, indeed. I learned just how little I need when I moved into my apartment. I, too, lust over the same sort of things you mentioned. Home Depot is my very happy place. Now if there were only a Lowe’s in the city–paradise! Thanks for your thoughtful comment.
I love Costco, too. It’s endless. And, tell me, will the gown be short or long?
I believe it will be short, Amy. Something couture–perhaps vintage. I’ll wear spectacular blue shoes, too, probably sparkly. Funny I reeled that off so easily, what with my “no desire to be married again” mantra. 🙂
Going to clear my calendar for next New Year’s eve. Might be getting married 🙂 Now, just have to find a way to get to NYC, accidently bump into a certain very hot single lady and sweep her off her feet 🙂 I know its highly unlikely, but after all, that psychic is never wrong 🙂
I agree, Tim! Anything is possible and with the metaphysical confirmation of the end of spinsterhood, I’m now prepared for anything to happen. See you soon 🙂 .
🙂