“You’re not going to write about this date, are you?”
This is the sentence I hear on almost every first date and as Joan Didion said, “Writers are always selling somebody out.” I was asked that question on my first date with RJ on Sunday night. We matched on Tinder and exchanged a few texts. RJ was visiting NYC on business BUT was looking to rent an apartment. He was in the city about one week a month.
RJ was handsome and complimentary in his messages. Although a part time dating situation was not ideal, I figured I’d deal with that if we hit it off. I mean, come on, it’s not like I’ve knocked it out of the park with locals, right?
RJ was having a late dinner with his adult son (who lives in the city) but was free for drinks. He was staying at Essex House on Central Park South and I suggested we meet in the hotel bar. When I arrived he was already seated at a table by the window. RJ smiled, stood and walked towards me. He was definitely handsome and a gentleman.
“Your pictures don’t do you justice,” he said. Not a bad way to start the conversation, which
lasted through two drinks before he had to meet his son. He was interesting, had traveled the world and we shared many common experiences. I think we could’ve talked for hours. He walked me outside to my Uber and we hugged goodbye. RJ was leaving on Tuesday and he asked if I was available for dinner. I had a dinner date on Monday so it looked as if we would have to wait for his return to the city in August to meet up again. He had my cell number and by the time I got home, he’d sent a text thanking me for a great first date. See, RJ was a Tinder Virgin. I was his first. He’d shared that he had ended a long-term relationship about six months earlier and was finally ready to get back out there. I told him he needed to get “dirtied up on a few Tinder dates” so he would understand that a good first date is the exception, not the rule.
On Monday we exchanged more texts, flirted a bit and then talked on the phone. I even told a friend that I’d had a really good first date and was cautiously optimistic. Since RJ was heading home on Tuesday, he asked if I would be willing to meet him in Central Park the following morning. I suggested Tavern on the Green where there’s a coffee to-go window and outdoor seating. I said I could meet at 10am before my hair appointment.
Again, we chatted for an hour and it was a stimulating conversation. He mentioned that he
didn’t think Tinder was for him because it was awkward talking to a bunch of strangers, especially since people aren’t going to tell the whole truth about their lives. I agreed. It’s kind of like a job interview. When a prospective employer asks what your biggest weakness is and you reply, “I’m just too dedicated and I focus on work even when I’m at home.” I think if I weren’t forced to be honest, I’d probably hold off on sharing too many details. But, because of stuff I’ve written, easily found with a Google search of only my first name, the gild is off my lily before I decide to de-gild.
It was time for me to start walking to my hair appointment. I had to cross the park to the Upper East Side and walk to 65th and 3rd Avenue. RJ asked if he could walk me there. It was gallant and I liked it. He took my hand as we strolled and I enjoyed the feel of holding hands. It’s been a while.
When we got to my destination, he kissed me goodbye, said he’d be in touch and he looked forward to seeing me again at the end of August. As the hairdresser cut and colored my hair I thought about the ease of the two dates with RJ. No drama, just two single adults enjoying each other’s company. It was comfortable, normal and sane.
Let’s face it, it was wildly refreshing.
Last night, around 6pm, I’d just poured myself a glass of wine and was watching the evening news when my cell rang. It was an unfamiliar number from RJ’s state and I quickly surmised that he was probably calling from his home phone. Here’s the conversation:
Me (cheerfully): Hello.
Caller: Hi, this is the wife of the guy you just dated.
Me: (stunned silence)
Caller (furious): You know, RJ, the guy you met on Tinder?
Caller: This is his wife and he’s busted BIG TIME.
Me: (still shocked and silent)
Caller: Maybe you should lose his number.
Me: (yep, still silent)
Caller: He’s married.
Caller: I don’t suppose he told you he’s married?
Me: No.
Caller: No, of course not but he won’t be for long. Maybe you should keep his number.
Me: No, I don’t think so.
Caller: You don’t think so (obviously repeating for his benefit).
Caller: OK, goodbye.
Dude’s having a really bad day.
And he deserves it. Obviously he’s either a lousy first time cheater or one of the serial variety. It really doesn’t matter as he’s not my problem and I want no part of the shit show. I quickly blocked RJ’s cell as well as his wife’s number. Then I sat quietly for a minute, taking it all in, until I eventually laughed out loud. Just when I think there’s nothing about dating that can shock me, I answer a call and can’t find my words.
I don’t know what I would’ve said except to let her know that nothing happened. Sure, it was a slimy move omitting that minor detail that’s he’s hitched, but it was a fairly innocent dalliance. Maybe it will be the catalyst they need to fix their clearly broken marriage. I hope so because it’s not easy to start over. Sheesh, even a pro like me can be gamed when an interesting and normal person comes along. As RJ said, “With online dating, people aren’t going to tell the whole truth about their lives.”
Preach, RJ.
I couldn’t stand that my husband was being unfaithful. I am Raquel Welch – understand? Raquel Welch
Oh no, Melani!!! What a complete jerk!
Honestly, I am glad his wife busted his b**ls. Imagine, he would come in August, and you would have a very nice long 3rd date, perhaps a few drinks, exchange kisses and what not, he would leave, and you get that call?
I went through some dreadful situation with texts from my boyfriend’s mistress a couple of months ago (he had become my ex, naturally, the same day I have received the texts). She said he was still seeing her (hooking up with her – her expression), and that’s why she had my phone number (she stole it from his phone). I didn’t ask him any questions, just let him go, but the pain and hurt from the betrayal was like nothing I had experienced before. By the way, it was my “first” cheating boyfriend experience, or, at least, first that I know of. All of my previous partners were either smarter, or just had stronger feelings for me than this one.. Oh well…always some nasty “first”. Hopefully, the last one of this sort 🙂
Hang in there, Melani…What other choice do we have??? 🙂
Cautiously optimistic,
Irina
Thanks, Irina. Your closing made me smile. Yes, we’re cautiously optimistic, for self-preservation. I’ve been cheated on a few times in my life. What I know now (when looking way back) is that it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. I’m not saying I was a perfect partner, far from it, but it says much about the person who’s dicking around. End the flippin’ relationship and then have at it. Just don’t be a cheater. At least that’s how I feel.
100% agree, Melani. Have a decency to end your relationship, if you absolutely CANNOT not to fool around.
So when he said he’d ended a long-term relationship six months earlier, he wasn’t talking about his wife.
Did he ever say he was divorced from the mother of the son he was meeting for a late dinner? Good for the Mrs. for calling to fill you in on his relationship status. She deserves a bottle of champagne.
In Top Five, Chris Rock says that dating someone is like going out with their representative.
I guess getting the call from the wife is like talking to their other representative.
1 Year of Online Dating might need a Tinder appendix.
No kidding, Kevin. He said he was divorced from his first wife (the mother of his sons), and was in a longterm relationship with a woman, but they never married. He was either lying about the second marriage (weird thing to lie about) or his longterm partner simply refers to herself as his wife. I asked specifically why he didn’t marry after being with her for so long and he said his first marriage soured him. Oh well, I’ll never know for sure and it doesn’t matter anyway. He’s a liar and I’m a truth junkie. Yes, Chris Rock did say that. One of my favorites. You’re right about the book. I need a epilogue that includes Tinder, haha. Thanks for the excellent comment.
You were silent?
Ha! Can you believe that, Jennifer? I was actually shocked into silence. You know I usually have something to say. 🙂
Melanie,
I admire your strength and adore your sense of humor and how you just move on after an encounter like that. I just don’t “get” men and I am one. But RJ really isn’t a man, he has no integrity, just another soulless waste of skin preying on the honest searching for the one. I hope he reads my comment here. He considers it a sport to lead people on for his own perverted amusement. Total predator.
I also want to thank Kevin in the post above with the quote from Chris Rock stating that a first date is like going out with their representative. That hit me like a bric and is so true.
After reading your story today I deleted my Match account. I was going to do it anyway but your post just confirmed it. It is now clear to me that I don’t need to get all excited after a first date with someone I would consider normal only to be disappointed when the dates numerous skeleton’s start falling out of their closet in the coming weeks. I am 55 years old, fifteen years ago I was forty. In fifteen years I will be seventy. I ain’t dead yet and life is too short for that aggravation anymore. I am done with the ups and downs of internet dating and the numerous disappointments. I am going back to the old fashioned way of dating, by happenstance. It comes down to this… if it was meant, it will be. I will deal with whatever my life’s outcome is whether single or not and not have any regrets. Thanks for helping me down the right path today.
Matt
I know what you mean, Matt. Digital dating can be truly discouraging. I’m about ready to take a break, too. I tried the happenstance method for the first year after the 1Year blog and went on about three dates. They turned out to be just as disappointing. I love Chris Rock’s take on the first meeting. I also believe that digital dating only sucks until it doesn’t. All it takes is one good match for it to be a great methodology. I have friends and blog followers who’ve met via online dating. I know it can happen. It’s just getting there that’s painful and discouraging. I will say, though, that all those people who’ve met online shudder to think about doing it again.
I will keep trying and in the meantime, it provides good writing material. Imagine how boring my posts would be if I were in love? 🙂 Thanks so much for the great comment, Matt, and let me know if you stumble upon Ms. Right.
Melani,
Are you kidding me?? I found myself smiling during the first part of your post, thinking that maybe you had found someone that you connected, giving me hope as well 🙂 Then, BAM! It still blows my mind that someone can be that dishonest, to put on a show, a facade. Really, what is the point of doing it???
I can relate to the “cautiously optimistic”, I am in that state when I hit it off with someone on the first date and even still on the second date. You don’t want to let your guard down but you don’t want to keep thinking negatively. I’ll just never understand, nor do I think I want to, how dishonest people can be.
Keep pushing through!!
I know, Bridget! Insane, right? Imagine being on the receiving end of that call. Let me tell you she was furious and I don’t blame her. I wasn’t sure if she was mad at me or him. Probably a little of both but I think that all changed when I told her I didn’t know he was married. Let’s both keep pushing through. Thanks for the comment, Bridget!
Hi again from Tulsa, Melanie! It’s Dana.
Hi to you too, Matt. I agree with your succinct appraisal of online dating…I’ve been on and off Match for years and the amount of posing is unbelievable. Getting out and being receptive to people with a smile or a long glance is by far the more organic method of meeting. Since I am not the shy type I will stop an exceptional looking male and compliment him on “being a credit to his gender”…(credit to Linda Ronstadt) . I usually get a surprised look and but then mostly gratitude and openness.
We are all essentially the same animal with the same needs and wants but geez…try dating in the stifled state of Oklahoma with Bubbas being the norm. I give up on romance but know the universe has plans for me…
Thanks for sharing your adventures, Melani…I have so enjoyed following your “antics”!
Thanks for the comment, Dana, and I love your confidence in using the Linda quote. I’m not quite that bold–but wish I were. I’m glad you’re still enjoying my antics. I’ll do my best to keep dating assholes. 🙂
Hello, Melani… Yes it was an apalling situation to get that call. But I think that guy was honest in his feelings for you. Just, as it seems, he is afraid of telling the truth. Many people are afraid of being punished for being as they are. So they don’t tell the truth.
What if he had told the truth and you both had met, anyway? It might have been nice, charming and enchanting.
I am German, and Germany is very very different. There are no such dating rituals as in America, and there is much more freedom to make contacts without arousing the anger of my partner. It’s easy to be charming, to have a flirt, to meet a woman. But you have to tell her the truth. If not to betray her, I think not to betray yourself.
And we have to accept that in our marriage or long-term partnership, we both have a life of our own.
But there is a deeply spiritual side of sex, or flirt, or courtesy. To show: I am not blindfolded, I am defenseless, I really like you.
I am fairly sure his feelings were real and there was definitely mutual attraction, Juergen. And, yes, if he had told me was married and I decided to meet anyway, that would’ve been my prerogative, since I had the truth. I’ve seen profiles on Tinder that state exactly that from married men. No judgement from me whatsoever, it’s just not my thing. But (and it’s a big but), When RJ wasn’t honest, in fact when he intentionally hid his marriage and lied (I asked details during our dates), he crossed the line. I understand dating when people are separated, have open marriages or are in the midst of a divorce but still living under the same roof. Unfortunately, none of those three applied to RJ. The call from his wife confirmed that. I don’t have any animosity towards him, though. I imagine he paid a hefty price for those two rather innocent dates given how furious his spouse seemed to be. Thanks for your comment, Jeurgen. I enjoyed it very much and love hearing from those with a different perspective. It’s especially fascinating when it’s related to the customs and beliefs of a different country. Thanks, again!
Hi Melani,
I finally just read this blog. So funny! You just never know what’s going on with people. Authenticity is a commodity. There’s got to be someone out there who is real, authentic to himself and can put aside past drama and hurt to love and receive love.
Best to you! Chat soon!
Yes, authenticity IS a commodity, Steph. Probably one a married man (who’s testing the single waters) isn’t going to embrace. I’m happy to keep on moving forward and put this experience in the rearview mirror. After I write about it, of course, haha.
There are already many red flags we single women have to pay attention to. Well, let me tell you this. Here is another one. When a first date is “comfortable, normal and sane” we feel some kind of relief because we think “OK, this still exists.” But the last time I had a date which felt “comfortable, normal and sane” the guy also turned out to be married without any intention to divorce. You know what I think? Married men feel completely at ease in the dating situation because they have a back-up plan. We single people are anxious. With every first date comes the hope that maybe finally love will find us. Married men do not have these worries. They’ve got the stability of their wife and are looking for some spice in their life. So they are all comfy and smooth and make us feel comfortable. The married guy I met also had an apartment in my city. How handy. Oh and he was also new to online dating. Yeah right. I played a bit the detective and checked his emails and he had been on dating sites for years. I am seriously thinking that these guys have a club where they make up new lines to trap women in an affair.
I think that the only way to avoid this kind of deceipt is by approaching a new contact in a totally rational way for let’s say 3 months, in which you try to get to know as much basic facts about him as possible. You can have dates but purely platonically and as friends. No making out and certainly no sex. Until you know that he is 100% available and 100% who he says he is.
It is disgusting why people lie like that when they can suspect that the other person is really looking for love. Why toy with someone’s feelings? Why don’t they date someone who is also cheating? I think I know the answer. When they date someone who is really convinced that real love is possible, their fantasy life outside of their marriage is real. That would not be the case if the other person is also a cheater.
Thanks god his wife found out and told you. Would be great if she kicked him out but another thing I have learnt is that some of these wives know very well that their hubby needs something on the side. And I suspect that some of them actually like it that way. After a long marriage they are drained to take care of the emotional needs of hubby so if some other woman takes care of that fine. As long as it remains an affair of course because if hubby would for some reason get serious with the mistress, then hell breaks loose. Because: it is a cheater yes but it has to remain MY cheater.
BTW, I love your writing. Very funny and very candid about how your life is. Thanks for that.
Loved your comment, Smartie! Thanks for taking the time to write. I’m thrilled to hear you’re enjoying the writing. I hope you’ll continue to follow along. I’ll do my best to avoid the married guys. I’ve gone on so many dates and this is a first. Guess (as the saying goes) there truly is a first for everything. 🙂
I’ve been following you on and off for quite a while now, just haven’t got the time to always read everything. Some of your articles are hilarious, so funny and I would like to know where you find all these hilarious images and pics from.