Have you ever had an agreement with a spouse or partner that if the opportunity presented itself, he or she would have permission to have sex with a celebrity? You know, this kind of conversation:
She: Who’s the celebrity you’d like to have sex with?
He: I don’t want to have sex with anyone but you.
She: Cut the bullshit and tell me who you’re banging?
He: Ok, but you first.
She: Brad Pitt
He: Wow, that was fast. Are you sure? I hear he doesn’t bathe.
She: Yep, in a heartbeat. Now you.
He: Ok, Scarlett Johansson.
She: Little young, but I get it. Her breasts are amazing.
Then they both agree that if they happen upon that celebrity (and sex is an option) they have a “hall pass” to screw to their heart’s content. Who knows, it may even become a game they play that night? She puts on her Wonder Bra while he calls her “Scarlett” and she asks him to wear a cowboy hat and a look that is a combination of angst and lust as she calls him “Tristan.”
We know who’s more imaginative in that fictional relationship, right?
I matched with Sean on Tinder about a week ago. Not only was he handsome, his blurb made me laugh:
Englishman in New York. What does a stranger do in a strange town? Smile first and who knows where it will lead us! Don’t worry…I have my own teeth…Even straight ones.
Having been deluged with opening lines such as: Hello, Hi, Ur beautiful, we were off to a good start with his:
How can I be smart and witty? I’m English!
(FYI, my blurb states that I’m seeking someone smart and witty.)
Then he followed with:
Btw…Did you manage to get some ointment to cure those nasty blisters you developed on your 3rd photo? Man, they look painful.
Laughed out loud. Of course, I was a goner. We began a delicious back and forth texting exchange that had me smiling, laughing and stretching my brain to come up with replies that were equally clever.
There is no question I am seduced by words–I’m a writer, it makes sense. “Sapiosexual” is a description I often see in profiles. When I read it an immediate eye roll follows. It feels like the user is trying too hard to let women know he’s smart, because what dummy is turned on by intellect? Whatever, dude, don’t tell me. Show me. I guess when reflecting, I’m Sapiosexual-ish. Intelligence is a huge turn on but my guy’s got to be funny AND physically attractive (only by my standards, of course). Then we have to have that tiny little thing of mutual chemistry. Might explain my perpetual search, right?
Well, Sean was the whole package and I was hoping he’d ask me out to see if we had the chemical magic. Then I learned some disappointing information.
I asked him, “Why do men cheat?”
He avoided the question so I asked again.
And quickly followed with the text below. (I’ve deleted his name following the comma after “you” because you know I change all names):
Finally Sean decided to answer my question. He told me he didn’t want it to sound like the predictable, “My wife doesn’t understand me,” and also made sure to emphasize, “Now that I know I won’t be maneuvering into your panties, why would I lie?”
True dat.
He explained that his girlfriend and he hadn’t had sex for two years. It became too painful for her after menopause. She also has zero desire. She tried hormone replacement, which made her lethargic and gain weight. She’s now given up. He added 1:3 women are impacted in this way. He’s right about that number.
Sean told me, “I love her. She’s my best friend, but I still miss sex.”
Before this trip she said she wouldn’t be checking up on him and he should do what he wants when he’s away.
Sean was given a most unusual hall pass—a generosity I probably wouldn’t be capable of bestowing upon my partner.
I told him there are many options she’s not tried and began to list a few. He asked if I would be willing to meet him for coffee and conversation and added that he understood it was strictly platonic.
Guess what? I met him.
We went to my favorite neighborhood bistro, sat at the bar and talked about everything. It was the most honest, open and frank conversation I’ve ever had with a complete stranger. Three hours of deep subjects, lots of laughter and three glasses each of delicious rosé. It was real, gritty and refreshing.
Then Al Pacino walked in for a late lunch.
No, seriously, I swear.
Al flippin’ Pacino!
All alone. Wearing that jacked up headband, too.
We were sitting at the bar and he took a booth in the corner of the restaurant. We were briefly intrigued but the thing about New York City is celebrities are usually left alone. Perhaps it’s that New Yorkers are a tough crowd and few things (or people) impress them? I’m not sure but I will say that I regularly see famous people and nobody is bugging them for an autograph or selfie.
Sean and I turned away from Serpico finished our third glass of wine, talked more. We have decided to be friends and I hope he contacts me again the next time he’s in New York City. I also hope he is able to talk his girlfriend into trying the different options I suggested. If I had no sex drive I would be all over it. If Sean were my boyfriend, he’d have no need for a hall pass.
Ever.
Even with Scarlett Johansson.
“I hope they make a video game of me. At least I wouldn’t have any cellulite then.” Scarlett Johansson
Well I am glad everyone controlled themselves and didn’t rush off to hump-town! I don’t understand why Sean just can go rub one out in the bathroom “and be done with it” like all Brits. And if a were you I would have belled up to Pacino’s table just to see how he acted (yes I am not a NYer) and hope for the best and pray that he didn’t go all Dog-day Afternoon on me…
I actually had a friend suggest there would’ve been nothing wrong with two consenting adults having casual sex, Matt. I thought about it for a moment and agreed. No, we didn’t rush off to hump town, but if we had, so what? Although I’m sure Sean could and is masturbating, that’s an unsatisfactory substitute for sex, don’t you think? Necessary, yes, but not a replacement–especially when in a loving relationship. It was cool and unexpected to see Al Pacino. I had a perfect view from my seat and he was very low-key as he ate his lunch. No Dog Day Afternoon, haha. Thanks for the comment, Matt.
Hey Melani,
Remember, to all us normal folk, who are your devoted readers, YOU are a celebrity!
Paul
Ha! THAT is fabulous news, Magrooder. (She writes as she’s getting ready to take out the garbage, unload the dishwasher, make the bed and lug a bag of dirty clothes down to the basement laundry room.) Thank you, my friend. I think I’ll put on some mascara now. 🙂
Hey Melani-
It’s Dana in Tulsa…it sounds like you are having waaaaay more fun than I am. My therapist recently advised that I not be dating how…funny, it is kind of liberating…no aliens or liars to deal with on dating sites, no texted dick pics or gropers or smooth talkers. A girlfriend bestowed me with a new “toy rabbit” and we get along just fine. It works for now…fate will take care of the rest.
Amor fati!
Hello, my favorite Tulsan! I am having fun but returning to dating again can be downright discouraging, more often than not. Maybe your therapist is onto something? Perhaps I should take a break, too? I’ve heard that pet rabbit is very cooperative. Might have to try one myself. You’re so right about fate. It will happen when it should. Thanks for writing, Dana. Always good to hear from you.
I’m having a hard time believing that his girlfriend’s doctor hasn’t prescribed a local estrogen therapy. So, I’m having a hard time believing Mr. English’s story. Perhaps his girlfriend would be more interested in sex (if that’s really the case) if he weren’t off trying to bang other women.
What works for some women does not work for all, Denise. I was prescribed a local estrogen therapy and it was absolutely ineffective. I was also prescribed oral estrogen and that made me gain weight and caused mood swings. I had to do my own research and after three doctors, I found bio-identical hormone replacement as well as hyaluronic acid. There’s also a new vibrator that’s used strictly for female arousal before sex. I haven’t tried it because that is not an issue for me. Mr. English wrote down all my suggestions and was quite knowledgeable about the issues women face during menopause. Also, he was given a “hall pass” by his girlfriend. Maybe he wasn’t telling the truth about that, but I believed him. I think this is a significant problem that goes unaddressed due to discomfort. Doctors are often part of the problem, too. I choose less judgement of Sean and more empathy towards both he and his girlfriend. Sex is a very important part of a healthy relationship–at any age. The new vibrator is called “Fiera” and although I haven’t tried it, if arousal ever became a problem, I’d be first in line. There’s also the pill referred to as the female Viagra, Addyi. Below are links to the vibrator site as well as an article about the arousal pill if anyone is interested. It’s not always as simple as a local estrogen, Denise. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
https://www.fiera.com/featured/ces-2016-fiera-a-female-arousal-tool-everyone-should-get-excited-about-tech-feature/http://www.sciencemag.org/news/2015/08/how-does-new-female-viagra-work
I ALWAYS enjoy your adventures. Maybe more than you do. I keep hoping you get the ending you want.
Thank you, Joseph! Happy to keep providing them but one of these days…, right? 🙂
Great adventure Melani! How wonderful to have stimulating conversation about real life issues Sean and then in walks Serpico with that headband! Haha only in NYC. You seem to have struck a nerve with menopause, monogamy and masturbation. I say the more curiosity and less judgement, the better. IMHO
I dealt with surgical menopause 30 years ago and can say with clarity that the battle is real and there are many options available to be sexually active as we age. It may take going to many doctors in order to get HRT bio-indents balanced. There is more than just estrogen to be factored in the mix. Plus a woman has to want to… Cost can be a factor, untrained Drs., lack of knowledge, shame, or just resignation. I’ve seen most all the women in my life go through menopause and for each woman there is a different outcome, depending on their attitude.
Me, I’m now a bio-ident Queen, though I spent my early years on a synthetic estrogen and had the weight gain, lethargy and other troubles some women experience with that treatment. I just never gave up!
As far as Sean’s Hall Pass, that’s between him and his English Lady. Yet I do agree with you that masturbation, while pleasurable, is no substitution for hot sex!
Thank you SO much, Tracy, for sharing your experience. Yes, less judgement and more honesty is needed. The fact is, sex is important to most people. When it’s not for one person in a partnership, it’s only natural for the other to begin to consider other options. That doesn’t mean he/she will act on their thoughts, but it is human to imagine. Loved your Three M’s. Loved every part of your comment. Thank you, again, for taking the time to share. 🙂
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