I’ve never told a dating story like this one. It’s not about a disastrous but hilarious encounter, nor is it a tale of another “really great guy” who had everything I was looking for except that indefinable chemistry. Buckle up, my friends, because this is a love story.
After a year of online dating all of you know I was spent. Just the thought of my profile on a dating website made me nauseous as I was certain the process wasn’t for me.
BUT, there is something about time and distance that dulls the insanity of that forced year and a few months ago I decided to dabble in the practice again. There are many new options—apps, niche sites, etc., and the beauty in discovering all those new choices is that I also have the choice to stay on or get myself off when the inevitable burnout is reached.
Ahh, the luxury of being a normal online dater.
After only a week I’d gone on two dates and had two more scheduled. One of those dates was of the boondoggle variety you’ve come to expect. Maybe I’ll write about it at some point. The other was a good date—but he was only in the city for a short visit and returned to the UK a few days after we met. My two upcoming dates were with what I figured were nice guys but let’s just say they weren’t exactly wowing me with riveting pre-date conversations. Then I received this message from Will:
“You are beautiful, but I have to ask, current pics?”
I replied:
“Naw, high school, but my friends say I look just the same.”
And. It. Was. On.
What transpired was the most entertaining back and forth I’ve every experienced. The instant simpatico we had was, well, stunning. One of us would toss up the precursor so the other could deliver the outrageous punch line.
It was a dance of comedic timing and I’d met my match—in fact I’m sure he was funnier. So clever that I would often scream with laughter over his retorts. He told me he laughed out loud several times a day when recalling the things I’d written.
Yes, I went on those two dates scheduled prior to meeting Will, but those men—as nice as they were—didn’t stand a chance. It was all I could do to get through dinner without checking my phone for his magic texts.
Will (50) lived in Westchester, had one child in college and was in the process of divorcing. He described the situation as “amicable” and himself as one with “no baggage.” I know, ridiculous and impossible, but because our texting tête-à-tête was so over the top, I was happy for it to continue knowing that eventually I’d learn the realistic version of his circumstances.
AND (full disclosure), I wasn’t ready for our jousting to be muddied by the inevitable encumbrances that living a half-century includes. I was also reticent to exchange too many details, as I would then have to share that I write about dating. That tends to make men nervous. Wonder why?
Of course, I dreaded giving him my last name, too.
Damn you, Google.
But it seems all good free flow must end and Will eventually turned the conversation in the career direction and I had to disclose what I do. Um, kind of. He asked about what I’d written and I vaguely responded by telling him I wrote articles and blogged about a variety of different subjects: aging, being single over fifty, that sort of thing. He seemed satisfied but just as I relaxed and pulled my head from the guillotine, Will shared his last name and asked me mine.
NO! What do I say?
I told him I didn’t want to share my last name—went on a text ramble about my desire for him to get to know me before reading the stuff I’d written—really blathered on and on. A couple of seconds later he replied with:
“Robinson” 
Seems all he had to do was Google Melani/Writer/New York City and with the unique spelling of my first name, www.melanirobinson.com popped up along with: Author/1 Year of Online Dating at 50. He asked if I was on the dating site for writing material. I assured him I was not. I also asked that he not read anything I’d written but instead get to know me. Then I waited for his response.
I asked if he was going to reply and he texted that he was “processing” all the information he’d just learned. He also mentioned that it was “surreal.” I told him I understood and I would wait to hear from him once he had finished processing.
Then I felt sick. Really awful. All night long. He never responded and I came to the conclusion that he was no longer interested. I didn’t blame him and my biggest fear of digital dating became a reality. In the real world when I meet a man I control my narrative and the fact that I wrote a blog about a year of online dating doesn’t sound ominous. Imagine, though, if you’re on a website and you learn that the person you’re corresponding with writes about online dating. Completely different game. I actually can’t think of a worse scenario—unless I was a stripper.
What? Are you thinking I’m delusional with the stripper comparison? Wow, I can almost see your smirk from here. OKKKKK, snarky reader, I’ll clarify. Unless I was a stripper working the assisted-living circuit. Sheesh, happy now?
By the next morning I’d still not heard from Will. At that point we had been communicating numerous times a day so I knew it was bad. Feeling down because I was beginning to believe he might be the one I’d been hoping to meet for so long, I decided to delete my profile from the dating site. Nobody else could compare and even if I met someone else, I would still have to go through the explanation of my work.
BUT, before I deleted my profile I sent Will one final message. I explained that the thing I feared most had happened and he obviously didn’t want to continue to communicate. I gave him my phone number and told him if he changed his mind he could call. I also explained that I would leave my profile up for a few hours to be sure he got the message but after that, it would be deleted.
Chose a blonde so you might think it’s me.
Then I went to yoga.
And thought of nothing but him–even while holding two lengthy, torturous plank poses—regular AND side.
My yogi is a complete asshole.
Once finished with class I checked my phone and faced the truth. I would never hear from Will again. I deleted my profile and headed to Trader Joe’s for groceries.
On the walk I got a call…
To be continued.
“The opposite of talking isn’t listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.” Fran Lebowitz
I can’t wait for part 2!
Won’t be long, Amy. By the end of the week at the latest.
Blog as suspense novel. I love it. I would suggest that you be required to stay in side plank until you post the big reveal. But I can be cruel that way.
Yes you can, Mr. Grey, er, I mean, Matthew.
Your lady in red looks like she ate one too many Pillsbury Doughboys, and is eagerly looking for another. I’m off to Peru but hope that somewhere I will have Internet because I’m looking forward to the The Phone Call sequel.
When I’m her age I will eat with reckless abandon AND maybe even wear red. Have fun in Peru, Kevin! Want to hear all about it.
I cant wait to hear about this guy!! We are all on the edge of our seat and full of hope.
Thanks, Jeanne!
Great, not only am I waiting to hear from my online hopeful from last week, I am waiting to hear about yours also!
I know, Anna! I hate to wait, too. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for contact from Mr. Hopeful.
This is an ultimate teaser 🙂 I have been on Tinder for a few days, thanks to your advice, Melani ;-), but now I am suffering the different kinds of jitters. The ones I liked, like me back (match!), but they start to talk, and, ummm, the attraction stops there (bummer!) It’s almost like I fear they will be delivering the same lame, boring, unappealing lines, and, sure, they do! – “What are you doing right now, cookie?” “How was your weekend, sweetie?” “You seem to be in a great shape – can you teach me some yoga poses?” I totally understand that, when you discover someone like Will, you just don’t want this to stop!
Please, please, please…let us, poor brainiacs, enjoy some decent conversations every now and then…please, be smart, be smart, be smart 🙂
Cannot wait for the second part, Melani!
Smart is an absolute requirement, Irina, funny, too.
The minute I read your comment I had a burning question. Did those unoriginal texts include the comma before “sweetie” and “cookie,” or did you add them because you automatically do so? I’ve been known to swipe left over a forgotten comma and a lame term of endearment (from a complete stranger). One I remember vividly was, “How are you doing hottie.” Triple whammy: forgotten comma, lame name and he ended the sentence with the wrong punctuation. On the other hand, a person could left swipe a good guy away. Here’s an article that I try to remember when I have the uncontrollable urge to be the grammar police. Sometimes it works.
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/16/fashion/learning-to-silence-my-inner-editor.html
Here’s wishing you big Tinder success, Irina. Second part coming soon.
Thanks for the wishes of luck, Melani – it looks like I will need it in Tinderland 🙂 So far, the Tinder was pretty discouraging. Most men seem to only manage to compose the first short message. Once it takes a little bit more effort than that, they seem to move to an “easier” target…oh, well…
And yes, I inserted those commas. Apparently, putting commas to where they belong, constitutes a major effort, too 🙂 I was never a stickler to those punctuation rules, when it comes to online communication, but it gets sloppier and sloppier 🙁
Ha! I knew you added those commas. My policy is delete those who can’t make the effort beyond the initial, “What’s up?” If they’re not interested enough to keep the conversation going–adios. I thought Tinder was lots of fun and didn’t take it too seriously. That is until Will.
That’s my exact policy, too 🙂
And I do hope that there are gems like Will, laying out in the Tinderdust 🙂
I am sooo excited for you! I took a 6 month hiatus after two years and a good ego kicking…. Surprisingly, a gentleman who had contacted me way back when I first created my profile, favorited me.. We had exchanged a number of emails. He was smart, articulate , funny and (!) a gentleman and asked (when I turned him down) to keep him in mind if nothing worked out on the site. I just didn’t feel the physical attraction and he’s on the cusp of my age range (10 yrs) – BUT – I’m seriously considering dropping him a line. After all this time I appreciate his humor, ability to have a good conversation and his tenacity 🙂
Can’t wait to hear your update!
Tenacity is a good thing, Jessica. Why not go out with him once? You’ll either confirm that you’re not physically attracted or discover otherwise. Thanks for sharing.
I’m definitely leaning that way
I hope things go well….waiting patiently for Part 2….enjoy your day!
Thanks, Irene! You enjoy your day, too.
Ack! Romantus Interruptus! Bring on Part 2 – we’ve been waiting for this one to come along!
Part 2 is coming soon, Hugh. Amazing song, isn’t it?https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwzDxp2TC7I&feature=kp
So glad for your email to pop into my box this morning! Like a cool breeze on a humid NYC summer day. Also, super excited to read about a guy who seems worthy in your life! Looking foward to part deux!
Thank you, Melanie. I’m glad to know my email was that cool breeze you needed this morning. It’s treacherous outside today. I just returned from melting in Central Park. Is it unladylike to sweat?
My mother once told me “animals sweat, people perspire” but that humidity last week had me tacky on a daily basis! Glad today is a gorgeous NYC summer day. TGIF!
I was an animal last week, Melanie. Today is amazing and I’m here with the windows and doors flung open enjoying the cool morning air.
Melani Melani Melani,
Just a word of caution… I wish you all the happiness the world can afford you girl, but you need to slow your roll. Some witty banter and one-upmanship and you are smitten. That’s OK, makes for a great read and I am not trying to rain on the parade but from what I read one giant red flag popped up… he is still married and in the process of getting divorced. The problem is he isn’t divorced. Any guy can say the same ole cliché like “our marriage was over a long long time ago” and think that they are ready to start another relationship. Anyone who has been through a divorce knows that both parties aren’t ready for another serious relationship until months past signing on the dotted line. And I was taken a bit back by him asking you if your pictures were current. Your reply was fantastic! I just thought his inquiry was a bit out of bounds, kind of a pink flag that says to me superficial, kinda predatory. Just trying to give you another perspective like an older brother would do for his sister. I wish you good luck with him and hope it all works out and Will doesn’t have the body odor like that last tool that tried to get in your pants!
Matt
PS- I hope I placed all of my commas in the right places!
Hi, Matt. I agree with you about being cautious because he’s in the process of divorcing and everyone knows that generally means a person hasn’t crossed the Rubicon of screwed up. Here’s the deal, though. Neal was “in the process of divorcing” when we met and he’d long before crossed that mountain range. If Will is a mess it will show up, but since I’ve been on close to 200 dates and have taken my time to find the right person (almost seven years), I’m a walking bullshit detector.
Now, as far as his initial contact, I didn’t find it at all predatory. Superficial? Absolutely. We’re all superficial in the beginning. That physical attraction has to be there and if Shrek shows up in my Inbox–no matter how lovely his message may be–I’m not interested. Thanks for your thoughts, Matt. I am appreciative of your concern and always wished for a big brother.
PS-I won’t confirm or deny the Eau de Will now because I haven’t told you if we’ve met. 🙂
You have definitely been to the mountain and back when it comes to dating. And as you already know a gem like Neal is hard to come by. I sure hope lightening strikes twice for you… you deserve it and have paid your dues.
I have paid my dues, Matthew. We shall see–keep reading.
So happy for you this sounds promising, keep us all posted, best of luck!
Thanks, Maureen!
Melani, ahhh, just what I needed in my in-box, a post from you! Something fun on this busy Tuesday! Yea! Now about that cliffhanger girl, that is just mean, but I digress… I am going to hope that this turns out well, you are really overdue for a good, smart, witty man – long term or fling. I have also had nothing but bad luck with the whole on line dating experience, and of late (it’s summer! romance is in the air (or should be!), I am 50ish and time’s a ticking!) I have been contemplating one of those more low key apps or doing it again in some form (but I can’t quite pull the trigger on it…hmmm). Well, I went out at the weekend to a terrific dive bar (but in a very high end neighborhood – the kind of place where the cowboy that saunters in is really a Silicon Valley mega millionaire – you get the picture) and who do I find? A cool guy! I am sitting there having a drink with a gal pal when who saunters in but an attractive hell’s angel type (totally NOT my type), but there is no where to sit and he and his buddy ask to share our table – what the hell! I immediately think, this guy is something other than what his appearance suggests – he has a great haircut, he has seriously perfect white teeth and he is polite and articulate. We strike up a conversation – he is open, kind, smart, funny and seriously charming. Sure enough he’s a successful business man who just happens to like a spin on his hog on a Sunday afternoon and enjoys donning the attire. In the midst of our conversation I am thinking, wow THIS would NEVER happen on line. I’d think, a biker dude? No! He’d think, she’s only 3 years younger than me – she’s too old! All those judgements we make with virtually nothing to back it but our (usually wrong) assumptions. But here I was, in the flesh having a great time with an interesting man! We exchanged cards and he asked several times if he could call me. Would I like to go for dinner? How about a spin down the coast on the hog? Do I like Italian food? Wow, I think I need to pinch myself. So, I await his call. But, yesterday, me being – well – me, I started questioning myself and thought of you and your column. All those online dating doubts crept in. He has my card. Is he on Google and deciding I am too corporate and not the cool girl I really am? Has he figured out where I live and decided I make too much money/am too independent? Oy! I wish I could shut my brain off and just enjoy the anticipation of ‘will he call’….I will try. Meanwhile, whatever happens, I am just further convinced that the whole on line dating medium isn’t for me. I found out more about this man in 2 hours than I would in dozens of emails and text exchanges that would never lead to an actual meeting (or a meeting and then a let down when the person didn’t measure up). Real world meetings aren’t over-rated!! I hope you get yours with clever Will 🙂
Now that’s a story, Tracy. You made me laugh with the “teeth” portion. I’m a tooth checker, too. I agree that the only way to know for sure is face-to-face, but digital dating is never going away–it will simply continue to morph as with any other form of technology. That’s why I decided to jump in and jump out, if need be. My advice to you with the Weekend Warrior is to stop over-thinking it. Relax and if he calls, brush off those black leather pants (we all have hanging in our closet from bygone days) and hop on the back of his bike. You never know and there’s nothing more relaxing than cruising on a motorcycle. Many years ago I dated a detective and he had a Harley. Sometimes, late at night when I was stressed about work, being a single parent, etc., he would pick me up for a midnight ride from Las Vegas to Boulder City. He was a good man and absolutely mellowed my harsh. Keep me posted.
Melani,
I’m pulling for you! I got your update as I sat in my apartment waiting for the repairman to come and look at my washing machine. Yep, that is about the only way I meet men lately…….LOL! I am hoping the next installment is worth waiting for and all the commas line up. Get your grammar and groove on in one guy? So there are unicorns…….
Cindy
Sound dreamy, Cindy, the washing machine. Grammar and groove–yep.
Melani, I am 24 & am tired of the losers my age so I tried online dating recently, and it has been making me even more discouraged. It has been terrible, up until a few days ago when I had a stroke of luck & think I may have met someone great! It’s an weird process, being hopeful, only to be let down until you finally have a little luck. Now I see what all the rage is about I guess. The beauty is It only takes 1 match! I hope things work out for us both. I am trying not to get over excited, but you know how that goes.
Best wishes,
Lindsay
It’s only awful until it’s not, Lindsay, and you’re spot on. It only takes one match and all the discouragement is quickly forgotten. Hang in there, Ms. 24. You’ve got lots of life and love to yet experience–lucky girl!
I’d like to offer my two cents on the topic of divorcing man. I’ve been thinking about it for a while, and here is my take. My three years of being single, and approaching damn “in her fifties”, convinced me that a lot of quality men stay single for a very short time, namely, between marriages and relationships. So, if you want to catch them before they enter yet another long-term relationships, there is a very narrow window of opportunity. I guess, the same works for attractive, stylish, and good-natured women, except, with age, men are gaining matching power (the income, the career, and just a few wrinkles to be called “distinquished”), and women are loosing it (mainly due to fading beauty). You can call me shallow, I don’t mind 🙂 I can tell you that, if I were married to a good man, I would do everything possible to not let him go. In that case, my loss would be someone’s gain, almost instantly. Gone, baby, gone…:-)
Thanks for your two cents, Irina. I think a person (man or woman) in the midst of a divorce should be evaluated individually instead of immediately assuming he or she is screwed up. I know many married couples who’ve slept in separate bedrooms for years–and not because of snoring. My first marriage was dead long before we hired attorneys. I also agree with you when it comes to the narrow window of opportunity. If there’s nothing else I’ve learned from online dating, it’s that the men who’ve remained perpetually single after divorce, are generally those who could be banished to the “Isle of Misfit Toys”. As much as I hear women talk about men online only wanting sex, that has not been my experience. Sure, there are exceptions, but I’ve found that most men I meet are looking for the same thing most women are seeking: Someone to share their life with, in a loving, monogamous relationship.
As Susan Sarandon’s character in the movie, Shall We Dance, so brilliantly stated:
“We need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet… I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things… all of it, all of the time, every day. You’re saying ‘Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness.”
Brilliant words.