There’s only so many times one can swipe left (brimming with seasonal joy) and hope that the next guy, the next photo, will be the one. Now I don’t mean THE ONE, the one. I mean: the dude who just seems normal.
Do the holidays bring out the crazy in all the digital daters?
OR, do normal singles give it a rest during this time of year? Hide their profile, take some time off from the dating ruckus to relax a bit with family, friends and carbs?
Is it only the truly desperate still showing up on my app? If so, what the hell does that say about me? (Currently hiding my profile as I type this.) And you should see my toes. My polish is so chipped it’s shameful but I can’t even bring myself to get a pedicure with the choices I’ve seen lately. Seriously, I haven’t seen anyone worthy of the walk from the nail salon to my apartment in flip flops. You know it’s frigid here, right?
Now, before you get all judge-y of my judge-iness, I have a disclaimer. I can’t see the women of Tinder as I was able to on other dating sites. I have no doubt their profile blunders are equally predictable (and somewhat disturbing). I’m only seeing men who meet my criteria. Can’t check out the ladies—unless I want to change my preference to females. Let me tell you, this last month I’ve tried to pray the gay my way. I just know a woman would totally get me. Especially my Cow Jumped Over the Moon flannel PJs with Uggs that are a wardrobe staple in winter. All that praying for nothing, though. Sigh, I still like the boys.
This season I’m doing my usual donation to Heifer International and I’m torn between several honey bee donations or just one llama. Both are impossibly cool. I’m also gonna throw a little charity out there in the form of free digital dating advice that I hope reaches the masses of guys who need it. Just the way the Magi reached little baby Jesus in the manger except YOU are the star shining over Bethlehem.
In other words, share this post with some unattached man in your life who’s convinced his profile is perfect. It’s not, I promise. Now, for those of you unfamiliar with Tinder, here’s the deal. First of all, it’s connected to your Facebook account. Don’t get freaked out, nobody on Tinder can see your FB page. It just means your real age, real photos and real first name are all part of your dating profile. Unless, of course, you’ve created a fake FB page for the sole purpose of being a sneaky, lying motherfucker in the dating game—or you’re, like, Jason Bourne.
You get a limited amount of space to write something—short and sweet—and then you add photos. I like the concept because really the profile is normally BS anyway and women are just like men in that we need to have a physical attraction first. This is scientifically proven, ladies, we’re just as initially superficial.
Own it.
Here’s what I’ve done. I have taken screenshots of a few examples of what can be only called the Tinder Epidemic of Profile Blunders. I could’ve taken hundreds, that’s how infectious this seems to be. I’m also more than happy to do the female version of this if any of you guys want to take screenshots of ridiculous photos the ladies are posting and email them to me. I’m an equal opportunity let’s get realist. In the screenshots below, I’ve blurred the faces, tattoos and backgrounds and also deleted their names. They should be unrecognizable. But hey, they are the ones posting these pics on a public site. They’re also the ones who have these on their Facebook profile for everyone they know to see. Obviously they’re good with the masses checking them out.
I’ve given what I’ve seen most often a category:
The Fish Photo
Gentlemen, thank you for sharing your dead fish. I know you’re proud of your accomplishment but I think we need a reality check. This is not the movie Castaway and you are not Chuck Nolan. Your plane did not crash in the ocean and you did not wash up on an island with a bunch of useless FedEx boxes. You did not have to adapt to island life, whittle a tree branch into a spear and learn to hurl it at unsuspecting sea creatures because you were starving and needed nutrition. If you ate that fish and didn’t mount it on your wall, you did so by choice not necessity. You might’ve even hired someone to gut, scale, flash freeze and ship your catch from Alaska, Florida or wherever the hell you were fishing.
Here’s the only thing that photo tells me:
You’re a middle-aged man and you’ve outsmarted a fish. Once.
Recently Separated or Divorced
I know it’s hard to get back out there, especially if you’ve been married a while, but what are thinking? You’re posting a photo with your (hopefully former) significant other on a dating site? I know, it’s probably a good photo of you. You may even talk yourself into believing I’ll think it’s your sister. You would be wrong, though. I know it’s your wife. Use another photo.
Here’s the only thing that photo tells me:
You two look good together. Maybe there’s hope for reconciliation?
I Love My Kids
Why are you posting photos of your children? I get it, you love ‘em and want someone who’s dating you to understand you’re a good father. Maybe you even think it would be nice to date a woman with kids, too, since she would surely understand. That is delusional thinking because any woman who thinks it’s OK to put photos of her child on a dating site is an idiot. Period. Don’t get me started on what your child’s mother would think. I don’t imagine you’ve posed this question to her, “Honey, I know we’ve split up and we’re both moving on, so would you mind if I plaster my digital dating profile with pics of the only good thing that came from our marriage? You wouldn’t mind if I use our children to prove I’m a good man, so I can meet someone who’s nothing like you or at least get laid?”
Let me know how that conversation that works out.
Or here’s another scenario. What if one of your child’s classmates has a single mother and she’s casually swiping through the profiles when she comes across the pic with your kid? She turns to her child, shows him the photos and asks, “That’s your friend Joey, isn’t it? I didn’t know his parents were divorcing.” Maybe she’ll even tell your ex-wife about it during a PTA meeting? Gird your loins.
Here’s the only thing that photo tells me:
Dad’s an asshole.
The Adrenaline Junkie
If every single photo on your profile is of you doing something adventurous or extreme, I figure that’s all you do. It’s like dating a stuntman who’s working all the time. Surely you have something else that interests you besides extreme sports? OK, maybe it’s impressive that you partake in Ironman competitions, helicopter skiing, snowboard jumping, multiple marathons, mountain climbing and the like, but you’re going to turn off women like me and I consider myself athletic. I can snow and water ski, play tennis and racquetball. I exercise four to five times a week but my idea of fun is not spending my free time trying to kill myself. If you’ve rappelled down a mountain once and someone took a photo, don’t post that on your profile. You’re not impressing most women. They imagine themselves next to you in that crazyass photo and I promise they’re not saying, “Yeah, I can see myself with Master Deathwish.” And the marathon photos? Seriously? The only thing I think as I look at you straining and pushing through the pain is, “That’s his sex face.” Yep, I imagine that’s how you look at the height of sexual exertion. I visualize that same face, contorting on top of me. Never anyone’s best look. If you run marathons, terrific, but write it in your profile, don’t show me five running photos. And remember this: nobody ever looks cool in a bike helmet. No one. Not even George Clooney.
Here’s the only thing those photos confirm:
You’re far more impressed with that shit than most women could ever be.
The Guitar Photo
I’m right there with you. Guitar players are hot and must feel sexy as hell when they’re playing, especially if it’s well. I played the guitar and took lessons when I was younger. My fingers, to this day, will naturally go to a warm up drill my instructor taught—C, Am, F and G7. I think my band (four gawky eleven year olds with cheap guitars) might’ve even placed in the talent show at Jo Mackey Sixth Grade Center, but here’s the deal. I’m not posting photos because my guitar doesn’t gently weep. I actually don’t even have a guitar but if I did I certainly wouldn’t post five photos of me pretending to be Nancy Wilson. Promise. I could understand one guitar photo, but five? I think it’s awesome when anyone can play a musical instrument—even badly. I give big props for effort, but unless you’re Eric Clapton, save that hobby information for the written portion of your profile, or better yet, the first date.
Here’s the only thing that photo confirms:
If things work out I’m going to have to tell you that you’re not Slash.
The Motorcycle Photo
Once again, I get it. I love riding on the back of a bike, wind in my face, life flying by. It’s a feeling of pure freedom. But the moment I see the dude on the bike pic, I’m swiping left. I think there’s enough information out there for a man to know better. How many jokes must one hear about divorcing the wife and buying a Harley? If you’ve posted that motorcycle photo on your profile you’re not Easy Rider, you’re proudly a cliché.
Here’s the only thing that photo confirms:
You think that’s your best asset. I assume it’s your only one.
Above I’ve listed the mistakes I see most often. Here are a few others that are worth mentioning:
*Multiple pics with your dog or cat. A pic of just your dog or cat.
*Multiple group photos where I have to play detective to find you.
*Scenery photos without you in them.
*Multiple pics with your mom.
*Dead deer photos.
*Bare chest photos.
*Photos with other women.
*Any photo that you think is funny because it’s not. Really.
*Any photo that’s weird.
*Bulge photos.
Check out some examples:
Normal is all a woman hopes for in the beginning. Just be normal in the written portion of your profile and even more importantly, the photos. One or two good close-ups of your face, taken within the last year and one or two full body pics, nothing weird, nothing even quirky. It’s really that simple.
Have a wonderful holiday and I’ll be talking to you next year. By then I’ll be ready to reactivate my Tinder profile or maybe I won’t need to. I could be meandering along Fifth Avenue gazing at the holiday window displays and bump right into my own Santa Baby.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFMyF9fDKzE
“There are no bad pictures; that’s just how your face looks sometimes.” Abraham Lincoln
