Yesterday was the first day of spring–and it snowed. I can’t think of a more perfect analogy for the current state of my love life.
I’ve been on many first dates lately—all that began brimming with hope and anticipation of possible growth into something more. Rather like the delicate jade-colored leaves that have begun to appear on the honeysuckle vines planted on my terrace. The ones I know will turn a darker shade of green as they grow and cover the trellis just as they did last summer.
There was the date on Valentine’s Day with a lovely man from Boston. Sure the distance was an obstacle but I’d successfully dealt with that before. I was hopeful, but in his desire to learn more he did something I wish he hadn’t: read every single word I’d ever written and thought he knew me. I can always tell when someone has read my stuff. There’s a false familiarity that makes me squirm. I always ask men to hold off on reading my work and instead form an opinion based on our dates, but he was a master Google-er and had done so before our first meeting. He sent me a bouquet of tulips two weeks later when I wasn’t feeling well, (flower choice was prompted by a blog post from two years ago about my late husband giving me tulips). It turned creepy. His intentions were honorable, for sure, but the depth of his digging left me feeling as if he’d rummaged through my underwear drawer or read my diary.
Then there was a douchebag writer who had me fooled for a minute. He asked lots of questions, and after thoughtfully answering each one; he implied that I was monopolizing the conversation. He also got offended when I made a generalization about writers and the reasons I don’t usually date them
. Believe me, my research may not be scientific but I’d bet the farm on its accuracy. Did I mention that he mentioned (four times) that he was in therapy? All within the first thirty minutes of the date, mind you. Or that he made a joke about a well known sexual predator getting sex during a time when he wasn’t getting any at all? Maybe I’m too judgmental because after all he writes comedy and there’s nothing funnier than rape humor, right?
Next I had a date with a kind and handsome man who’d graciously understood when I had to cancel our first date. When we eventually rescheduled I was looking forward to it. Five minutes into our date I knew there was nothing wrong with him but I felt absolutely zero chemistry as we sat next to each other at the bar. He kept brushing my leg with his and at one point took my hand. Awkward. It didn’t help that there was another man who’d passed by on his way to an empty seat and we exchanged mutual holy-shit-you’re-hot eye contact. Each time I glanced that stranger’s way, he was looking at me with the same intensity. I finally turned my chair away from his distracting and enticing gaze so as not to be rude to my date. When our evening ended I split the check. It was fair, as I had no intention of dating him again. He even said, “There’s a theory that when a woman splits the check on a first date there’s not going to be a second.” We parted with a kiss that went quickly from first date appropriate to “Oh god, don’t use your tongue!” I pulled away and headed to my apartment as he waited for an Uber. As I walked I thought about the man at the bar and a missed opportunity. I stopped for a moment and looked back to see if my date had gotten his ride. He hadn’t and caught me looking back. I felt guilty and wondered if he’d figured out I was contemplating a return. I turned and continued to my apartment but once there I asked my doorman for a Post-it and wrote, “I was on a first date but you definitely caught my eye. I think I caught yours, as well. If I’m right, I hope you’ll call.” I signed it, added my cell number and headed back to the bistro, certain that my date’s Uber had arrived. I skulked around the corner and was relieved to see he was gone.
Unfortunately, I discovered the handsome stranger was nowhere to be found either. I asked the bartender if he had moved to the restaurant for dinner. My plan was to walk up to him, hand him the Post-it and exit. He was with a male friend and I had no desire to be intrusive. She told me he and his friend had left. Dammit! She also said, “He’s in here all the time but I think he’s gay.” Perfect. I told her that I believed we had a connection. The restaurant manager (definitely gay) was passing by so the bartender called him over and asked, “Are the guys who were sitting here gay?” He rolled his eyes, “Of course they’re gay.”
There you have it: my guaranteed attraction to a gay man with whom I am certain is straight. It is a theme that started with Boy George, continued to George Michael and is clearly still going strong.
The following day I turned off Discovery on my Tinder and Bumble accounts. If you’re not familiar with the apps, that means my profile is hidden. I’m in need of a break. Early this morning, with my puffer coat covering my pajamas I headed outside to survey the snow damage to those new, fragile honeysuckle leaves. Some had browned overnight as they gave up and succumbed to the freeze, but other tenacious ones were still hanging in there with a defiant “screw you” to the unpredictable elements.
I sit here at 11:35am (still in my pajamas as I type this). And as it pertains to digital dating and the precariousness of the process, I wonder:
Which leaf am I?
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!'” Robin Williams
Maybe the gay guy was channeling a straight friend to whom he could introduce you? And after the dates you’ve described, why not have drinks with a gay guy? He’d probably be more fun than the dates you’ve described, and he’s bound to know a fashionable, handsome and well-groomed straight guy or two. Why not?
Maybe you’re right, Kevin. Maybe his twin brother (she types with hope). There is no doubt I would’ve had a better time having drinks with him. I guess I’ll have to go back and see if he’s there. I’ll do a followup if I meet him. 🙂
Oh Melani, I was having some bad first internet dates this Spring as well. I was glad when my subscription ran out last week. So depressing. Is there any hope for us? I just can’t click with anyone online! I am determined to just go on meetups and see if I meet anyone on those, at least I will have fun doing an activity! I do love reading your date stories though!
I’m with you, Dovie. I’m going to try the old fashioned, random and spontaneous option for now. It’s too depressing to continue to go through this. I’ll write about any rando dates I have, though. Especially if they’re awful, haha. Thanks for letting me know I’m not the only one!
Living vicariously. Blog-reading about a date is the closest I get to actually having one.
You’re the winner on this, June. I think I’ll watch a romcom and get my vicarious on, too. Much less aggravation and always a happy ending.
Melani, et al, I have to comment, and encourage you all to continue…and to also allowing the unexpected to happen…I have always thought what “Mr. Right” would be like, and kept having bad connections, so to speak…until I gave someone I never expected a chance…felt no attraction on first two dates, but oh, what cute and clever emails he sent me! So, I kept seeing him. We are now an item, and ‘hot’ doesn’t BEGIN to describe our chemistry now. Plus, he is a wonderful man, and treats me like an Empress. Do as I did, and reflect on the kind of men you have been attracted to (right away), and why. Reconsider, and you may just find a man who is “Just Right”.
Good advice, Fran. It’s that pesky chemistry. In my case it’s either there or not. I do go on second and third dates with men (even if there’s no sizzle) hoping it will grow. It’s never happened. I’ve also gotten into relationships with men that are good guys but that initial thing wasn’t there. They never worked out. I’ve open to anything but I’m in need of a break from the digital dating world. That doesn’t mean I’ve given up on men, just the cyber variety. Thanks for your thoughtful comment. It is a wonderful thing you’ve described and I think you’re one lucky woman and he’s a lucky man!
Dear Melani,
You got me out of a blue dating funk way back in your year of dating blog. I have been through it all over and over, taking breaks when it got to be too much, rescuing a dog hoping that would suffice, volunteering as a “trail runner” thinking I could meet men on the mountain (nope).
But I kept at it and I finally have been with someone almost a year now and we just clicked.
I had been on some bad dates and, tired of it all, I emailed him on Match and said, “Why don’t we just meet? Wtf?”. And he answered, “Wtf indeed?” And that was it. We are fairly amazed at how much we like each other.
All I’m saying to you Melani, is that one day, it’ll happen. Take a break, but don’t give up. I’m sure you won’t! And I thank you for your wonderful stories, your open honesty and of course seeing the humor in it all. Hang in there with those bold green leaves.
Love your initial email, Fran. You would’ve had me at “WTF”. Thank you for your encouraging message. I’m happy to hear you’ve found your match. It’s inspiring! I’m also glad to hear I helped lift your spirits during the inevitable dating blues. Big hugs for your kind words.
Thanks again Melani. I always enjoy your stories. I love the ending “Which leaf am I?” Great metaphor!
Speaking of romcoms, maybe you could write a romcom inspired by your adventures. When you think of it, in almost every episode of Seinfeld, one of them (usually Jerry) was dating someone new, only to have it fall through for the most amazing variety of reasons. I think maybe you are half way to t.v. stardom, Melani! 🙂 Do you have anybody crazy that lives across the hall from you and is barging in all the time 🙂
Hmm, funny you should mention that, Tim. I might be working on something right now. Are you psychic? Yes, in fact, I do have an intrusive neighbor. I never thought of the Seinfeld comparison but it’s quite true in many aspects. Thanks for taking the time to write, Tim. I always enjoy hearing from you!
Hands down: Darker shade of green!!! Never give up beautiful Melani….I know you won’t!!!
I’ve been living with the man of my dreams for over 10 months now. Took me over 10 years to find him. But as you already know, it’s worth the wait~!
Deb
Aww, thank you, Debbie. I’m feeling greener already! Yes, finding the right fit is worth the wait. I admire your tenacity and am thrilled to hear you’ve found your partner. Thanks, again, for the pick me up!
Don’t worry Mel ,it will happen when its meant to happen. Don’t drop your standards!! My experience is that spark or chemistry is rare but you will find it.
Not sure what kind of leaf you are but it is,attractive and resilient.
Steve
Thanks, Stephen. I won’t lower my standards–I know it works for some people, but I just can’t do it. Thank you for reminding me of resilience. It’s important to remember what I’ve bounced back from, at times like this. Thank you, again, for your message.
You are definitely a thriving and gorgeous green leaf – no doubt about it! Your blogs are fantastic and I echo everyone who says – hang in there. He’s out there……looking for you too! Thanks Melani for your creativity and oh so entertaining writing.
Hugs,
Arlene
Thank you, Arlene, for the incredibly kind message. I will hang in there. Hugs back to you!
Dear Melani, never lower your standards… If you are too far away from your own vulnerability, how could you feel then if it is right? Or if it feels like Mr. Right? Or if he feels like Mr. Right? There’s a gentle touch on the skin if you know it’s right. Some sparks in the air, some electric feeling. We are all desperately waiting for it. And if it happens, it is like the wild waves at the shore washing us away…
Thank you, Jurgen. “Wild waves at the shore washing us away” is a perfect description of the feeling I’m hoping for. Thank you for poetically identifying that feeling. I won’t settle. I just can’t.
Hey Melani,
What’s with the silence?
Was it something we said?
We miss you!
Steve
Working on a new piece, Steve. Should be up this week. Thanks for asking!
Hi Melani…
Looking back I feel sorry for you that the relationship with that french guy failed.
I am German, i.e. I am strictly Continental, European,simply speaking a little French, Spanish, English (which is not my favourite Language), understanding Italian.
So America is very very different, and is mostly the cultural attitude, the art of talking which is different.
Maybe I am wrong: It seems to me that the inherent wish for a black prince, or a Sir Galahad is partly the reason for failure.
To me it seems Europeans are much more sober, though still romantic.
Dating in America is much more formalized, and expectations as well.
Maybe a knight who has left his horse in the parking lot, just smiles at you, a little tired, and to whom you offer a cup of tea to make him smile a little more?
All the best wishes for you
You could be right, Jürgen. I’m not sure if it’s American dating expectations to wait for a prince, but that is possible. I’m certainly not interested in settling. The Frenchman was often negative (one might say sober). I’ll keep my eyes open for the horseless, tired knight, though. Thanks for taking the time to comment, Jürgen. I enjoyed your evaluation of dating differences based on culture.
Qietness and the quest for happiness
Dear Melani, we are looking forward to new insights in the world of dating. You haven’ been writing for some weeks. I guess it is because you think that the things you have experienced are too unimportant to match your standards and our expectation.
I work in a hospital, in oncology. So cancer and leucaemia are our everyday work. And everyday we have to shatter dreams, to tell bitter truths.
So one question is: what counts? What is the essence of happiness? Which relationships can carry on? What is failure, and how can we live on?
And I discovered: Happy relationships, happy couples didn’t hurt me, they just showed me a way of living a better live.
Let us all keep our expecatations low and our standards high…
Thanks for writing, Jürgen. I love what you said about those people you experience through your work. Very true. I have written a new blog post just a couple of days ago. If you haven’t subscribed to the blog, you can do so and be notified when there’s a new post. I’m not sure I can have low expectations but I can absolutely keep my standards high. Thanks, again!