OK, here we go.
With my back to Rob and deep in conversation with Scott it did occur to me that I was being rude. After all, I approached him with the Cheek’d card and my friend was forced to compensate for my bad manners by making small with Rob.
I turned back around and joined their conversation.
“I’d like to take you out tomorrow night,” said Rob.
“Um, OK,” I said, kind of surprised at how quickly he made that statement.
I had very little interest but was also aware that a dose of healthy competition between two males was nature at its best. The truth: Scott had attempted to cock-block Rob with his statement about Rob’s stupid comment so it was obvious (at least in his mind) that it was Game On.
“Can I get your number or do you want me to go through this site?” Rob said, pointing to the Cheek’d card.
I gave him my number and he told me he’d call the next morning with time and location. He left soon after, and I turned back to Scott. I wasn’t ignoring my friend as she’d turned towards the woman next to her and they continued the conversation they’d started before Rob approached.
Scott ordered a second drink for the three of us and put his to-go order in as our conversation continued. I 
learned that he was divorced with a ten-year-old daughter. Not exactly what I was hoping to hear but given his age (45) and location, it was to be expected. With the freakishly successful fertility doctors in New York City it’s not uncommon for men in their fifties to have a set of twins still breastfeeding. I guess a fifth grader wasn’t so bad.
The conversation was stimulating and I found myself fantasizing about many more with him in the future. My friend joined in and mentioned that I was an exceptional cook. Scott asked if I would cook for him and I was already creating the menu in my mind. I imagined inviting him over and dining al fresco on the terrace. I pictured lots of candles, a great bottle of wine and the decedent meal I would prepare. I also imagined what might follow the feast—something even more delicious.
The bartender eventually arrived with his order—all boxed up and bagged. Scott handed him his credit card and then asked for my number. He suggested I text him when I got home as he hated to cut the evening short but had to deliver the meal to his relatives. Then he left but not before sharing how glad he was that we’d met and how much he was looking forward to knowing me better.
I’d say it was a pretty amazing night and there hadn’t been a time recently where I felt so belle of the ball-ish. Two men who were interested in one night? It wasn’t quite the days from my roaring thirties on Friday nights at Gordon Biersch, but close.
Back then I would strategically talk to four men (one per side of the square bar) looping around all night. I did that often and it was easy. Now it was a big night if someone called me “Miss” instead of “Ma’am.”
We stayed a little longer, finished our second martini and then asked for the bill.
“You’re all taken care of. The gentleman paid for your drinks,” said the bartender.
“All taken care of” was something I hadn’t felt in a long, long time. Even better? Scott took care of my drinks AND my friend’s and did so without fanfare. He was both generous and courtly. A keeper, for sure.
We swayed home—normally one martini is my limit—and I couldn’t wait to text Scott once in my apartment all PJed up, makeup washed off.
For the next hour we exchanged texts that grew increasingly flirty. He was a digital wordsmith and I loved the banter. Scott was leading our conversation down the path to sexting and although I was absolutely sexually attracted to him, I was wise enough to know I’d had too much to drink and would regret flying the freak flag with the sober sunrise illuminating my cyber slut-isms. 
Instead I told him I needed to get some sleep but before we signed off, I asked his last name. He gave it and then reiterated how happy he was and how lucky he felt that we met. I replied:
Me too, Scott. I’m really glad I met you.
He responded by telling me he HAD to see me soon. We’d make plans.
The next morning I woke up smiling even with a hangover. I scrolled through the text conversation again before getting out of bed. I knew I’d hear from Scott once he’d awakened I figured we might even meet for brunch.
Like clockwork, Rob called as he said he would at 10am. I couldn’t have been less interested but I tried to remember not to put all my eggs in one bin—as hard as that was. He suggested drinks and appetizers at a new wine bar on the Upper West Side on 72nd and Columbus, the Dakota Bar and insisted he would pick me up in the lobby of my building. Normally I would’ve been impressed with his follow through and gallantry but Scott occupied my brain and I was surprised I’d not heard from him.
By mid afternoon the radio silence continued. I didn’t reach out to him either, though, and here’s why. Scott is Alpha. He had no issue going after what he wanted the night before. He didn’t hesitate even when I repeatedly brushed him off while pursuing another man. He was very comfortable in that role and I knew if he wanted me, he’d make it happen.
But he hadn’t, yet.
LET THE CYBERSTALKING BEGIN!
I Googled Scott’s full name and nothing came up. Weird. I searched the firm he worked for and his name and nothing came up. Really weird. Then I simply searched his first name and his firm. Bingo! A company event and a photo of Scott. Except his last name was spelled much differently than what he’d texted. Seems Scott had given me the phonetic spelling of his name. Without outing him by giving you the two names, what he did was spell a part of his name with an “F” when a “PH” was how it was actually spelled. Obviously not a typo. What the hell?
LET THE “I THINK HE’S AN ASSHOLE” FRENZIED SEARCH PROCEED!
A few seconds later I had a pit in my stomach as I stared at a photo of Scott, his wife and little girl at a children’s charity event. It was only a few month old so not only did he lie about being married, he also added several years to his daughter’s age—probably because I’d told him my daughters were adults. His child was no more than four. He wasn’t bringing food to his brother and sister-in-law. While he chatted me up for almost two hours, his wife and child waited for him to bring home their dinner.
Wow, did I feel foolish. Thank God we didn’t sext.
I have no idea why Scott did what he did. Perhaps he gets off on playing women. Maybe it’s the thrill of the pursuit and the knowledge that he still has it? Possibly his marriage is boring? No matter the reason, he’s a scumbag. Halfway through our conversation at the bar he asked if I was divorced. I told him I was a widow and he expressed how sorry he was and then asked several questions about how I recovered from the loss. He KNEW the hardest thing I’d done after losing my husband was to attempt to make a new life and find love again. He knew I was certainly more vulnerable and maybe even more fragile than the average divorcee and, yet, he still pursued me with the knowledge that he was going to disappear back into his marriage without even a backward glance.
When you break it down, it’s truly twisted.
I never let Scott know I was onto him and deleted his number from my phone. He only lives a few blocks away and maybe one of these days I’ll pass him and his family on the street. I would never say anything. His wife will find out eventually whom she’s married to if she doesn’t already know. But I will take pleasure in looking him in the eye with an expression that reflects that I’m aware of who he is underneath that unassuming, exceedingly average exterior.
Well played, Scott, but one day you’ll pick the wrong woman, she won’t exit as quietly and might even be a bunny boiler.
My date(s) with Rob in the next installment.
To be continued…
“I’ve told Billy if I ever caught him cheating, I wouldn’t kill him because I love his children and they need a dad. But I would beat him up. I know where all of his sports injuries are.” Angelina Jolie
Wow….Scott is a scumbag….continue on your journey Melani…I enjoy reading your blog. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for the comment, Irene. Glad you’re enjoying the blog!
It is so hard to find honest guys…
I wonder why that is, Mary? Have people (men and women) always lied so much or is this something new? If so, how did it happen?
I often wonder what universe some men disappear to after a first date, text or emails… one day they are there, then they are gone. Makes me wonder if, like you pointed out, they were just trying to see if they still ‘had it’ or maybe they were ‘caught’ and had to erase their computer or phone to save their marriage (or ass!)
I, like you, am kicking it old school in Mi. and my luck is about the same as yours in Manhattan. Stay strong in your convictions sister! lol
Anna, it’s called “ghosting” and it’s an epidemic. It happens all the time but I was kind of hoping at my age the men would’ve outgrown the practice. Check out this video.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8oft8rQeaU
I’m not alone, thanks for the comment!
Funny video but oh so depressing! I am so happy to be happy single… I haven’t given up on love but seeing/listening to others stories doesn’t give me a whole lot of hope…
Anna, here’s my motto: It only sucks until it doesn’t.
Great blog Mel!! disappointing outcome though…… He is a real scumbag!! Can’t wait to read your next installment!
Ps: not all guys are like Scott…
Thanks, Jan. I’m told all the good ones live in the Netherlands. Can’t remember who told me that… 🙂
Mel…Steve H. would have had the time of his life with me…for ten years I dated a man, began at age 60. I loved him deeply. I will make a very long story short. It was one hellova roller coaster ride, but the good times kept me there. Two months ago I heard this: I hated coming to see you, I hated the drive there (one hour) and it was boring (yeah it was because he never wanted to do anything…tired, the list could go on forever). And I’ve wanted to go away on weekends and trips with Carolyn (his “friend” of 20 years) for a long time and you kept me from doing it. What??????? I kept him from doing NOTHING! He did everything he wanted to do as I began to learn from reading her FB posts!!! So, why did it take ten years for him to say what he did to me? Ten years of my life…… he tosses me aside… “poof”…. he comfortably moves on with his next partner!!! Oh there is so much to this story I could write a book. But cheating men…telling lies…. no matter what the age, they do it. It’s an ego/self esteem thing. We could all make a list of men who have cheated….think of the ones like Scott who don’t get caught. Just spoke with a girl last night, 27, and all of her boyfriends have cheated on her. Single is lonely for sure, but if I was meant to have two assholes in my life, I would have been born with two. Love your blogs Mel! It is never good to hear that others are having difficulty in relationships, but it is such a bond we all share knowing we are not alone in our attempts to believe in love again.
Wow, Diane, that’s some story. I, too, wasted time with a man. Mine went on for eight years in my thirties. When I look back I realize I have to accept lots of the blame. I had red flags starring me in the face for most of the time but chose to ignore them. Today, I’d simply walk away. Although I wasted some of the best years of my life–as far as my physical appearance–I’m glad to have the experience. It taught me what to look for in the next relationship and made me appreciate every moment that was easy and joyful. You’re not alone.
Mel….you are so right….each person who walks into our lives teaches us something. We become stronger no matter what the experience was. Yes, like you I also elected to ignore the red flags. I should have had the inner strength to walk away a long time ago, but being the “dreamer” I am, I didn’t. I guess I have to learn the difference between nightmares and good dreaming!! Best of luck to you….can’t wait to read more.
When I reflect back on that wasted time, Diane, I realize I spent much of it fantasizing about a magical outcome. “If I we just get through______, we’ll live happily ever after.” The problem was that there was always another _____ to get through so happiness could follow. It never did.
Melanie, when you mentioned Wasted Time, immediately the Eagles song with that title came to mind. 🙂 Then you got profound. Maybe someday we’ll realize after all … it wasn’t really wasted time … but then again, what if it was, what if we’ll live happily ever after, but THE much desired ultimate romantic happiness … never comes?
As I read a few days ago, Gabriel García Márquez said, “It is not true that people stop pursuing dreams because they grow old, they grow old because they stop pursuing dreams.”
So then it is in our best interest to never give up, right? Maybe if at some point you write about expectations and how they affect our lives, our psyche, and whether having such high expectations too many times leads to disappointment. I’m not saying anything new, nor am I suggesting to lower our values, but I often find myself trying to work through expectations and reality, and it’s complicated, simple, at best, complex. And I often think being alone with much needed solitude also brings tremendous satisfaction.
Have a Happy Easter.
You have a happy Easter, too, Helen. You bring up some interesting points on what is “wasted” or is it possible to high-expectation one’s self into chronic disappointment. What was wasted in the example I gave was my physical appearance. Not that I would’ve wanted to end up with someone other than my second husband in the end, but until he showed up, I sure could’ve spent more time taking naked selfies. 🙂 As far as the high expectations and my quest for another big love, that’s easy. It’s much less important to end up in a relationship than it is to be in the one I’m seeking. I know how to be alone. What I don’t know how to do is be with someone strictly for companionship. If I never have another love I’m very happy with my own company. Thanks for your thoughts, Helen.
I too wasted many years with a cheating man, I saw the signs and chose to ignore them. It was just easier that way… I didn’t know about the cheating until after he left for another woman and he told me he cheated throughout the whole marriage… 18 yrs!
That’s why I’m so particular about who I date now. I don’t allow myself to get lonely, I try to stay busy with life, friends and family
I wonder why some people feel the need to confess things like that? It only adds to the hurt and you knew he’d cheated. Why compound it by telling you it had gone on for 18 years? Being particular about dating seems a very prudent decision, Anna. Why mess around with someone who has your “creep meter” pinging?
Many people have asked the same question. Some doubt that he did and think he was only trying to hurt me but as I said, looking back the signs were there, I believe him… I will never know why he felt the need to compound the hurt he had already inflicted.
I have forgiven him for my own peace of mind but will never accept an apology from him, an apology would only be to clear his conscience (if he has one) and I won’t give him that…
Forgiveness for yourself and peace of mind is very enlightened, Anna. It had to have been dreadful to go through.
Ok that video made me reflect on my past year of dating. I suppose in theory I have ghosted to more than a couple women. But wow. Do you need to hear it from the mans side.
I can’t count the number of times a single mom has cancelled a date we had. Last minute. Kid sick. She is sick. Her mom is sick and or dying. Am I an understanding guy? Yes I am. I texted back with “not a problem….I completely understand….hope your mom/child/butt/head….feels Better really soon”.
But did I ask her out again? HeLLLLLL no. Dating 101. You cancel the date. You make the next one. Is that rocket science? Gender has no role here. Throw the “but he appeared to be an alpha male” garbage right out the window. Awesome blog Melani. Love your intro video. You are adorable. Swear on
Thanks, Paul. If I have to cancel a date (and I’m being honest about the reason) I always make sure to say, “When can we reschedule?” If I’m canceling because I’ve changed my mind about wanting to go out with the man, I’m happy when I don’t hear from them again. Alpha has very little to do with that process from my perspective. Glad you enjoyed the intro video. My web designer thought of using my outtakes. I had a ton since we used an iPhone and there’s no pausing so it’s all in one take. I wasn’t happy about the final video and she thought we could use the outtakes and I’d be happier. It still makes me laugh.
Paul, you are so right…no gender has a monopoly on lies and disrespect….respect and kindness are things both genders need to work on. When I was young, (now older than dirt!!), we actually had a class called social relationships. I have no idea what it was about, but just the thought that people were there to open our minds to the possibilities of being kind to others was amazing. Good luck to you finding that special someone.
Hi Melanie,
I enjoy your blog! The ghosting video is hilarious. I’m in my 50’s and not surprised anymore how easy it is for some men to lie….no matter if they look like Don Draper from Mad Men or George Constanza from Seinfeld! Look forward to more stories from you.
Thanks, Cindy! Yep, liars come in all shapes and sizes and genders. Happy to hear you’re enjoying the blog!
And even as you allude to many times, Melanie … we all seem to lie sometimes in one form or another, sometimes even to ourselves.
Would that we all could, would, “Be true! Be true! Be true!” ~ Arthur Dimmesdale or Nathaniel Hawthorne? Both? I forget, sort of. 🙂
Now I’ll watch the video.
After the video.
Melanie, all you can be is as real as you are–fastidious, funny, feisty, at least. Keep up the writing, entertainment, insight, and you know your following will grow. Those of us who have been around for a while … are happy to have gotten in on the ground floor, within that first year of experimentation and the nerve to share from your own perspective, even when the truth might not reflect well on others and/or yourself. 🙂
Cheers!
Thank you, Helen. I am very appreciative of your support and of others who continue to read my blather. I’ll always keep it real. I don’t know any other way to do it. I agree that the (my) truth might not reflect well on others or me. Since I keep those others anonymous, I guess it’s not too awful. I’m happy to take my lumps when I screw up. I do that often. Cheers to you, too, Helen!
Love your story Melani. I am on my way to a neighboring state for a fourth date with a heartthrob of a man. Butterflies are in my stomach and I was having doubts. But reading your blog has just lifted my spirits despite Scott’s subterfuge. Gotta keep on trying and just have fun. And yes, cyberstalking is a must. Wish me luck.
Happy fourth date, Laura! Keep me posted because those butterflies can’t be manufactured. Very happy for you!
I got to the highway and received a text that he couldn’t meet me, “work is crazy busy and some family matters. Please forgive the late notice.” Lol. Will I never learn?
Shit! I’m sorry, Laura. Crazy work seems kind of lame and family matters, well, that could be legit if it weren’t coupled with crazy work. If he’d said, “Just was given an emergency project at work and I’ll be at it all night.” or “My daughter just got suspended from school and I need to spend tonight with her.” Something that rings true, but the ambiguity of his cancellation is worrisome. Either way, his loss because he doesn’t get to spend time with you. Would love an update if you hear from him again. I wouldn’t reach out to him if I were you. If he’s truly interested, he’ll reschedule. Just my “expert” advice.
Believe me, no contact from my direction will be forthcoming. Sage advice.
If he wants to reschedule, he knows where to find you.
Btw he ended it with integrity. Just to renew faith that not all men are ghosters. Love your new photo, Melani.
Thank you, Laura. I’m glad to hear he’s not a ghost.
Melanie,
Can’t even tell you how depressing and typical that outcome was. I was like “… oh no, no, no, awe shit!” when I got to the end. I sure wish it would have ended differently for your sake Melanie. Good job though, bird-dogging and getting to the truth. Maybe part three of your story will have a better outcome. It’s assholes like Scott that make internet dating so much harder for the guys who are genuine and honest. I have never lied, cheated or misrepresented myself to any possible date… ever. Maybe that is why I don’t get any dates! Just kidding here. My point is guys like him, (notice I didn’t say the word Men) make all of our lives a little harder finding someone. Tools like Scott act like this is some type of “sport” or something, As a male I just don’t get it and condemn those that practice that sort of behavior. I can understand why women become jaded by the likes of Scott. But one thing is for sure, eventually the truth always comes out and if you live a life filled with deceit, you will lose what you love because of your deceit. And you are too kind Melanie,.. I would have let him know that you are on to his game and that he isn’t very good at his little game, but I understand why you didn’t. Just know that one day he will meet his Fatal Attraction.
Well said, Matthew. Yes, Scott will pick the wrong woman to game one day and it couldn’t happen to a nicer guy. It makes me wonder if he’s been back to the neighborhood bistro? If he does this frequently while waiting for a to-go order, his restaurant selections will become very limited. He should probably start opting for delivery. I’m happy to hear you felt the same about Scott as many women leaving messages. It’s hard to defend his actions no matter the gender-unity we all fall into on occasion. All men aren’t liars and assholes and all women are saintly victims getting played. Now if we could just pair up the good from both sexes the bad could just skulk around each other!
ARGH! You have got to be kidding me; middle aged men are still doing this? WTF?! I am sorry to hear this though Mel…but Reliable Rob called right on time…he might be worth a second look girl! PS I am done with 4 years (on and off) of on line dating – do I get a medal for that?! I have had my fill of serial liars/phonies/players and such (and it seems the brothers of the clowns in your blog are here in SF!). Kicking it real world these days and I HOPE I can spot those damn ghosts at 50 paces!
You’ll hear all about reliable Rob in the next installment, Tracy. You do get a big shiny medal for your four years in the trenches. I wish you luck in the real world. I’m sorry to say (given the recent post) that sometimes it’s just as shady. Ghosts are everywhere!
Hi Melani, I love your new website and your latest story. I’m glad you are putting some of your dating adventures into a book. I know it will be a good read!
Scott was a scum. But I am wondering why he bothered to pick up the bill for you and your friend if he knew he wasn’t going to pursue it?
You are right that liars come in all sizes, shapes and genders. It seems everyone always assumes that men are the cheaters. But who do you thing they’re cheating with? When I was on-line dating, I met two women who presented themselves as single but ended up confessing that they were in a relationship and looking for something extra. Not something I was interested in.
I’m sure there are many good ones in the Netherlands. But there are some in Canada too 🙂 My question is: “Are women attracted to the good ones or are they more intrigued by the bad boys?”
Glad you like the new website, Tim. I’m not sure why Scott paid for the drinks except he wanted me to text him when I got home. Maybe he thought if he was sporty, I’d be more willing to sext? Or, perhaps he had a crisis of conscious, bought the drinks and was going to leave it at that but when I texted him, all that morality went out the window? I know for sure there are good men in Canada–I’ve met many–so the Netherlands certainly isn’t the only place. I can’t speak for all women about the good vs. bad boy attraction but I’ll be the first to say I like a little bad mixed in with the good. I don’t have a Mormon missionary nor Mr. Grey fantasy but somewhere in the middle would be perfect. Always good to hear from you, Tim.
Oh boy, say it isn’t so Scott with a pH!
If it is, it’s just another example of the weak character of men in our society today. It makes me sad. Being in the presence of a “good man” these days is rare. I remember when a man was someone to admire and look up to. Someone a woman felt safe with, someone she wanted to share herself with.
If Scott with a pH is the scoundrel you think he is, then he is no different than what I am finding in Massachusetts and probably our nation (and the world??).
Oh dear, what is a healthy, happy, financially ok, mature, relatively attractive woman looking for a good man to do?
I hope you have better news in your 3rd installment of this (all of us single 50-something yr old dating story) story!!
Keep smilen’
Yeah, Scott’s a scoundrel, Teeja. Stay tuned for Part Three. Let’s see what Rob is all about. Sorry to hear Mass is the same as my zip code, but you keep smiling too!
What an experience, so glad you didn’t give in to your sexting temptations at the time. If only there were an online network where you could post his name and picture, and save others from the same experience. One good site that a friend has had luck on is called “It’s Just Lunch”. Basically it sets two people up for lunch which most everyone can get through without too much fuss. If there’s a spark, then you can try for a dinner date. There are branches in NYC and Long Island.
I’ve heard of “It’s Just Lunch” although I don’t know anyone who’s tried it. It has been around for several years so they must be doing something right. Thanks for the suggestion, Monique!
I enjoy reading about your Life, now waiting for the Movie on the Big Screen.
Haha, thanks, Noel!
Hi Melanie –
Thank You! Your writing always provides a fun perspective on life – and this is what makes communication an enjoyment more than just direction giving. Why would a man intentionally misrepresent himself in such a manner? I suppose the answer is “because he can” in the place where he lives, but you and I will never really understand what actually drives this behavior. There are wonderful, true and honest people near us who are worthy of friendship – regardless of whether they are married, single, or committed to abstinence. You are right to take note of the exceptions and move on – and your notes do provide great entertainment value! I live in this multicultural environment where people cannot so easily hide from themselves, and I don’t mean wearing the abaya, there is something about life on a small island … Anyhow, I believe that there is love to be made, joy and partnership to find and personal contentment to calm us wherever we are. I desire to look into the eyes and the depth of someone to know if they are true, this is not so easy and I think cannot be rushed. Like many others I have made a living from using technology, and have embraced the various communication tools this provides – but our essence that drives our need to connect has evolved without iPhone or any phone. Trust the basic senses, they are how we experience and connect. As usual I thank you for the lively and fun entertainment and I look forward to reading more.
hmm … Melani – my bad – I see that I got an “e” in the wrong place. I hope you understand my intent anyway. Writing and words are a compromise for communication but it can be such fun…
You are very welcome, Kern. I’ve no doubt living on that small island prevents lots of Scott-like behavior. Seems “because I can” is at the heart of why. Truth is sometimes hard to determine as is character–especially when first meeting. You’re absolutely right that it takes time. In Scott’s case, though, it also took Google. 🙂 Thanks for taking the time to comment, Kern!
First, the new photo is terriffic! You’ve never looked lovlier.
The guy is a jerk and, hopefully, some day he’ll get what he deserves. The upside is that you discovered his deal right away before investing too much time or emotional energy. I’m not goin to try to defend my gender. The anecdotal evidence provided above is fairly persuasive. Manhattan may not be the best pool in which to be fishing; too many Yankee fans.
Finally, I forget the name of the poster, but if a “single mom” cancels one date for any reason, it’s “light’s out” unless she initiates? Really? Do you have any idea how hard is it to be a single mom? Try to get that ego under control and have a little compassion. If cancellations are a pattern, then it could well reflect her being inconsiderate, unreliable, unable to organize her life, or any number of things that show less desirable character traits.
Thank you for your kind critique of my new photo, Magrooder! I thought it was time for an update. Haha, Yankee fans. You do know Derek Jeter is my future son-in-law, right? He’s just got to give up the models and meet my daughter. I agree about the difficulty of being a single mom. Dating takes time and effort and when you’re the main caregiver to kids it’s almost inevitable that things happen. A little compassion does go a long way when dating a single mom. I think it was best said in Jerry McGuire:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vW95YIpC6Rw. BUT, a flake is a flake and differentiating between the rough road of single parenthood and shady one of a sketchball is sometimes difficult. Thanks for your comment, Magrooder!
“Lights out unless she initiates”….seriously? Is initiating as a female really that god awful painful??? And if you cancelled the date, saying in the same sentence “….so sorry I can’t make it tonight but how about tomorrow…..” Does that even qualify as initiating ????
Do you have a digital system on which you keep track of each act or omission or do you do it manually?
[Melani, sorry, I’ll stop now.]
Ha! I’m all for debate and heated debate is no exception.
Because you’re open to debate, Melanie, I’m going to throw in some creativity here … to play The Devil’s Advocate for Scott, now known as The Punching Bag.
What if … he found you s-o-o-o attractive, he yearned for what he did not have, already knew he … could not have, and in doing so, his flakiness came out? What if he wished he could dare himself to have a date with someone like you, so he made the best effort he could, even as he knew … it would never happen … as he secretly hoped … maybe it would?
Then that is a compliment to your attractiveness, your presence in the room, even as one commenter wrote, Scott chose to pay for your drinks, not an empty gesture in light of the whole picture. He liked something about you; he could not have you; he wanted you; he acted a fool, and in the finality, he went home to the family and kids … and toyed with the idea a little longer–after all, we all experience desire–sometimes it overtakes us; other times, there’s no chance AT ALL.
Were you the worse for it? Not really. You didn’t like him in the first place. You liked the expensive suit, as another commenter mentioned, but the suit looked rustled, not cared for, and you had already dismissed Scott. You (and we) know what you want … is pleasing to the eye, as well as the heart and soul. You’ve experienced such at least once, and you know how good it can be. You will not settle for less.
Yes, our ideal expectation, as you and I shared earlier, leaves plenty of room for disappointment.
Then there are some of us who believe, who know, we will NEVER get the Great Expectation Love of our Lives: It WILL NOT happen.
Where does that leave us? To never try … because we’ll never be true, knowing what want, desire, will never be our reality? Or do we keep trying, knowing we’ll be disappointed … over and over again … even as we disappoint any partner who, if she or he has any good sense, knows s/he will never measure up to the ONE we truly desire?
So in the end, Scott disappointed and dismissed you, too — BUT, that he genuinely liked you and found you attractive immediately, even to make his best, if only fake-fantasy effort … may be just as much a compliment to you … as an insult to him in all his tied-down, married reality … with small children, with someone who perhaps does not fulfill his ultimate desire. Maybe eventually he will learn to cherish what he already has, especially because there are children involved, and teaching them to love and respect themselves and others … means he would be wise to do the same.
Oh, the things we learn at 50. Sounds as if Scott has a few years to go. 🙂
You could be right on many of your points, Helen. If anyone’s ever been in a loveless marriage it is sure nice to escape into a fantasy once in a while. I don’t think Scott’s a punching bag, though. He’s a grown man with enough smarts to know that to explore the fantasy without consideration for the unwitting participant (me, this time), was really unfair. Especially when he knew about my circumstances. If he’d just said he was married I would’ve still been happy to flirt and talk–we had a connection beyond the expensive suit, that honestly meant nothing to me, just contributed an interesting detail to the story. I’d also like to clear up something you said about attraction. I’ve been with very handsome men and many that might be consider quite unappealing. It’s beyond the physical. Remember my date with the beautiful (but shallow) man during my year of blogging? It’s that indefinable thing that makes someone attracted to another. Maybe you’re right about Scott’s behavior. Maybe he bought me a drink and thought that would be it and then another part of his anatomy overtook his brain–hence the texting. I’m willing to accept that explanation but if that’s the case he should’ve sent one final text the next day, apologizing for letting it get out of hand. He could’ve wished me the best and been a gentleman. Instead he chose to make me believe we’d be spending lots of time together in the future. That wasn’t fair. Thanks again, Helen, for sharing your thoughts. Always intelligent, well-written, and insightful. I do hope you’re wrong about your Great Love. It’s never over til you’re dead. Life can bring beautiful surprises when you least expect it. I’m speaking from experience on that point.
I agree, Paul, asking when another date can be arranged is the polite thing to do. I will say that I remember having to cancel a date when my daughter broke her arm. I was so frazzled I didn’t think to ask when we could meet again, just left a harried message on his phone about fifteen minutes before we were to meet. Initiating as a female isn’t god awful painful but I’ve found the sort of men I’m attracted to always initiate–especially when it’s dating and not a committed relationship. I don’t initiate, Paul. But, I’m old school and that certainly doesn’t make it right.
Hi again, Melanie. I did not see a “reply” option after your last comments with me, so here I want to say … Thank You for the kind and HOPEFUL thoughts, wisdom, and your willingness to share more ideas. A funny: I’m not quite 50 yet, so still have a few more years to reach maturity, and maybe get a few hard knocks, lumps, too. 😉 ~Helen
It is always my pleasure, Helen.
Waiting on the edge of my seat to hear about the other guy. Could he possibly be the one who paid the tab while you assumed it was the other?
No, Jenny, Rob didn’t pay the tab. Scott absolutely was the one. That would be a great twist to the story, though!
I have been “ghosted” (is that even a word? :)) only once, and it did start as an insane chemistry. Charm, good looks and intelligence is a lethal combination, especially in a world, where men, who posses such qualities, are normally taken. Unlike you, Melani (smarty Ms. you :), I did succumb to waaaay too many apple martinis… He disappeared after the second date (with the same insane chemistry right before disappearance…). I did googled him and ran a little background check before the second date, but didn’t find anything suspicious. The reason is that these types of guys just want to prove to themselves that they still “have what it takes” to attract a woman like you. Their lives are ordinary and mundane, and chatting you up, sexting, and making you wait for their call just strokes their egos.
In my case, I should have known better, but, like so many of us, I chose not to “see” the read flags.
Thanks for another great piece, Melani – cannot wait till the next installment!!!
You’re lucky, Irina, to only be ghosted once. I don’t think I know one single woman who’s not had the experience at least a few times. Glad you enjoyed the post. The next installment is coming soon. Sheesh, I’ve not written this regularly on a blog since ending 1yearofonline. It’s all good, though!
Oh Melani, I’m so sorry that happened to you! I just ended my 12 year marriage with “a Scott.” Jeez, what is it with men like that, that they can treat other human beings that way and sleep like babies at night? After this last relationship, I feel like love is just not in the cards for me, but your positive optimism provides a glimmer of hope, so thank you, and good luck with Rob!
Twelve years with someone like Scott must’ve taken its toll, Victoria. I don’t get the ability to sleep like a baby, either. You’d think at that moment when everything is quiet and the brain is still going, the bad behavior would have to be recognized? You’ll hear all about my luck with Rob, soon. I hope you keep hoping for love in your life. I know there are good men out there. Thanks for sharing your story.
I don’t think you realize how fucking great you are.
I wish I knew what the “tipping point” was that would make the masses discover what a brilliant writer you are. So many women.
Maybe YouTube. Yeah a kickass Youtube channel. Then they’ll buy anything you write.
Pam, you’re the best. I felt pretty fucking great after reading your comment! I do hope I find that illusive tipping point you mention. Thanks for making my day!
I just checked. THE BLOG IS GONE. Including the photos and quotes. Arghhh.
Yep, 1Year is gone, baby, gone. The book is coming soon, though.
ugh, I can’t believe I was ‘ghosted’ so soon after reading this… well maybe not since he didn’t actual disappear!
A couple of months ago a couple (in their 70’s), who are very good friends of mine, insisted I meet a guy that came into our local bar. I resisted since I haven’t dated in a while and had no interest in getting my feet wet again but he took me by the hand and walked me over to him. We met, had a nice evening and that was it… we left without exchanging numbers.
Last week he came into the same bar we were all at and was so happy to see me! Great! We had another good evening and this time he asked for my number… but he didn’t call… and yesterday once again at the same place he came in with a date!
Really!? Like the chance of seeing me was so slim… but if he was just trying to see if he could get a number I guess he did accomplish that much!
Never being the shy one, I tapped him on the arm and said hi! 🙂
The reason behind behavior is often a mystery, Anna. I guess two great nights in your company wasn’t motivation enough to call. Oh well, his loss.