The other day we were driving back to the city from Staten Island, where I take my dogs to the vet (not a story filled with bitterness towards Manhattan veterinary care, promise). Although, there IS belligerence bubbling just under the surface, don’t doubt that for a minute. Have I told you I don’t like to drive in or out of the city? I do it when I have to but if I can get one of my daughters to take the wheel, I’m golden. The girls regularly refer to this as “Driving Miss Daisy.” To. My. Face. Here’s how it sounds, “Seriously, Mom, does it always have to be Driving Miss Daisy?”
They really are the most retched creatures.
On this road trip as we passed Brooklyn, I noticed a church I’d seen before and struggled to remember the details of why it was familiar. Eventually it became clear. I’d walked past that church while on a date, during my year of online dating. It was one of those stories that never made the blog. I had plenty of over-the-top material to write about and this just wasn’t outrageous enough. Perplexing? Yes. But rather white bread when the competition was a little person following me on a date or a Robert De Niro impersonator with a roach-infested apartment. 
This date was with an architect named Henrik who lived in Brooklyn.
Henrik and I went on two dates prior to the “walk past the church” outing. He took me to dinner twice and then asked if I’d like to see some projects he was working on—two brownstone renovations in Brooklyn. He also mentioned he’d completed gutted and then renovated his apartment and I could see that, too, if I was interested. I’m a do-it-yourselfer so the prospect of seeing what a pro could do was very enticing but the truth was simple and unfortunate. That mysterious “it” just wasn’t there with Henrik. We’d had two very nice dates, and he was interesting, smart and handsome. But Henrik was a serious guy and he never made me laugh. Not even once. I’m not sure if that was the reason I didn’t feel any attraction because normally it’s either there for me or not and I know it within ten minutes of meeting. But, remember (if you followed the blog), I was trying to be open to the possibility that it could grow over time. There was also this little thing that bothered me on both date one and two. Henrik had slight body odor. Now, this was not the “knock you to your knees” variety but more the “working all day and forgot deodorant” sort of funk. I couldn’t smell B.O. from across the table, but when he hugged me goodnight on date one and kissed me goodbye on date two, I caught a whiff.
I was going to tell him I just wasn’t feeling it but then he asked me to see his work. Talent turns me on and I thought, what the hell? Sure, he was a bit fragrant, but he was also European and it’s been my experience in certain countries, the natural body scent we all have sans antiperspirant is the preference when compared to the perfumed pits of an American. I figured if I saw his stuff, maybe it would trigger the feeling that was missing–then I’d work on his aroma.
Henrik asked me to join him for brunch on a Saturday and later we’d walk to his projects. Brunch was pleasant and after he paid the bill we started out on foot. It was during the stroll that we passed the church (I mentioned at the beginning of this post). He took me through both brownstones and his work was A-MA-ZING. He was so talented and I loved every moment of exploring the construction in progress. We traversed from bottom to top, sometimes even using a ladder instead of stairs to reach the next floor. He was always a gentleman, taking my hand as we maneuvered around and through the rubble. Again, I caught the smell of his sweat a couple of times and it was stronger than usual—I guess with all the climbing we were doing.
After several hours of exploring, Henrik suggested we have a glass of wine and then head to his apartment so he could show me a finished project. I told him that sounded great but only if he’d let me pay. He agreed. We actually ended up getting something to eat, too, and I was glad to reciprocate since he paid for dinner twice and then brunch. I knew I wouldn’t see him again but I hoped we could be friends.
We had a couple of glasses of wine, some grub and then went to his place. It was spectacular–architecturally stunning and beautifully decorated. As he showed me from room to room I gushed appropriately, even making a spectacle of myself over his high-end dishwasher. Once the tour ended he asked if I would like another glass of wine. I told him I needed to get going as I had dinner plans with my daughters—true statement. He walked me to the subway and I noticed his attitude changed from the apartment to the sidewalk. He was cold and actually rather rude. I asked a couple of questions about the neighborhood and he could barely answer where as earlier it was as if he was auditioning for the guide on one of those red bus tours. Once we reached the subway, he simply turned and walked away without a word.
I was taken aback. Had I done something wrong? Was I not effusive enough about his apartment? I
didn’t know how I could be more complementary unless I licked the walls or threw my body on his tasteful carpet and rolled around gleefully repeating, “Can’t get enough, just can’t get enough!”
Once home I sent a thank-you email. He did not respond and I never heard from him again. Sure, I could’ve asked if I’d somehow offended him but I knew this wasn’t a good romantic match and I didn’t need to figure out his sullen behavior.
That is, until the recent Brooklyn drive by with my daughter Chelsea and her friend Chelsea. Yes, my daughter has a friend with the same name. Her friend actually has the same first and last name and even middle initial. I’ve heard about “Chelsea who has the same name” for quite some time. They met at CU. It’s not that I didn’t believe my daughter, per se, but it was highly suspect and for very good reason. She’s done this before so it might be a pattern of behavior. She had imaginary friends as a child, my odd little duck. She constantly talked about her “Mommy and Daddy animals that let her do anything she wanted.” OK, I admit I was often annoyed with those make-believe indulgent hairy parents. They were, after all, competing for the kid’s affection. Since I had never met the elusive Chelsea I was skeptical. “Never trust your children no matter the age” has always been my parenting plan. But then last week Chelsea showed up when she moved to the East Coast after graduation. That’s how she ended up in the car with us on our trek to Staten Island and here’s the conversation.
Me: “I remember when I saw that church.” (Then I told them the story along with the confusion at the end.)
Chelsea 1: “He was pissed because you didn’t have sex.”
Chelsea 2: “Yeah, date three is usually sex.”
Me: “What? No way! He couldn’t have thought we’d have sex. We barely knew each other.”
Chelsea 1: “Of course he did. You went to his apartment. I’m gay and even I know that.”
Chelsea 2: “If I’m not ready for sex and I’m invited to their place, I make a joke and say something like, ‘OK, but we’re not fucking.’”
Me: (laughing) “Welp, you learn something new every day.”
Chelsea 1: “Yeah, Mom, third date, his apartment means sex for straight people.”
Chelsea 2: “And for lesbians third date means move in together.”
Chelsea 1 (laughing): “Shut up, Chelsea.”
So, mystery solved, almost two years later. Henrik expected sex and when it didn’t happen, he threw the dignified architect’s version of a temper tantrum. Good to know. It seems even an “expert” like me has stuff to learn. Therefore, I’ve made a decision in the interest of my continuing education. Until further notice (that will never come) I’ll keep asking my daughters to drive me to and fro.
And you can call me Miss Daisy.
“The minute that you’re not learning I believe you’re dead.” Jack Nicholson.
When I first started dating again (after being married more than 20 years) I received the same advice. Where is this written — 3 dates means sex?! How was I to know? I was actually interested in someone and was trying to determine how long I should wait. Evidently getting your needs met now triumphs being respectable. Lordy things have changed.
I agree, Lynn! We hadn’t even done anything more than a chaste kiss. Sheesh, if we’d had even the French variety I might’ve been prepared. Also, he didn’t touch me once in his apartment–just took me from room to room, pointing out his work. I’m no prude and am not opposed the third date sex if the sexual chemistry is there. I just don’t think it’s a “dating rule” I’m willing to promote. In fact, I might even have second date sex! Thanks for taking the time to comment, Lynn.
I learned of the 3 date rule a couple of years ago also… now I have a platonic friend I won’t let buy be dinner anymore! (joking… kind of… lol)
there are too many rules that go with dating, I can’t follow them all anymore. If I like someone and that feeling is there, there may be sex, without keeping count of the number of dates or who bought who dinner…
Maybe it’s a generational thing? My attitude towards sex was developed during the 70s and pre-AIDS 80s. You did it when it felt good and that might be date one or fifteen. I can’t imagine anything more unnatural than “presumed” sex on the third date. I don’t think rules pertaining to sex are ever a good thing. Talk about a buzz kill. Thanks for sharing, Anna. Good to know I’m not the only one who didn’t read The Rules of Dating 2.0.
I think, Melani, he thought that once you see his tastefully decorated apartment (after seeing his public works), you would be turned one, forget the sweaty armpits, etc. etc….Also, men somehow always think that, if you agreed to come to their place, you kind of agreed to the whole wine/making out/sex thing. I once dated an architect, who seemed to be surprised that I didn’t wind up in his awesomely decorated bed after 1, 2nd, and 3rd time, being in his apartment (which he instisted upon visiting before going to dinner to have a glass of wine – innocent enough suggestion, I thought). In any case, now we both know 🙂
So you’ve innocently entered the architectural den of iniquity, too, Irina? When did accepting an invitation to someone’s home become code for getting busy? Somehow I missed that during the Human Sexuality class I took in college. Perhaps I was ditching, instead at some football player’s apartment (doing who knows what?) on our third date. Never realizing the correlation, of course. You’re right, though. Now we both know. Thanks for joining the club with me!
Interesting. Some of us, and I mean guys (as opposed to men), are wed to the three date thing. Consider it a mantra for the emotionally tone deaf.
Your view is spot on that it should be natural and things happen as they should, but many of us try and use rules as a substitute for bad emotional reading skills.
At least that is my humble biew
Matthew, I always enjoy your comments–the perfect combination of insight and wit. “Bad emotional reading skills” or “emotionally tone deaf” are two examples of why I look forward to your thoughts on the human (usually male) psyche. You can write, but I have no doubt you already know this. Thanks and please keep them coming.
Hell’s bells. I would not object to just having three dates, period, never mind the presumed obligations.
Haha, June. That made me laugh!
I was introduced to the three date rule at my house, when my date missed the T and it suddenly became abundantly clear that he was expecting to stay the night. I drove him home and boy that ride was pretty uncomfortable. Nothing like a unexpressed “rule” to kill the mood!
Oh the old “missed the last train” scenario, Anne. I had a friend with the same experience. I guess in that instance one could always take Chelsea 2’s advice, “OK but we’re not fucking.” It could make for an awkward night with them on your sofa. Weird. I bet that ride was pretty uncomfortable but you were very kind. I might’ve said something like, “Oh darn, now you’ll have to take a cab and that will be expensive!”
Oh Melani I feel your pain…….I think there is a completely different set of rules for those of us ‘seasoned’ daters. Sex should never feel obligatory and if there is no chemistry so be it. Men seem to be much more rule/goal oriented and the goal is rarely a long term, caring, mature relationship. They are sadly still stuck in the locker room mentality. Or the jungle.
I’ve been out of the fray for awhile because it just got too demoralizing. After my last fiasco (NutJob complete with suicide attempt etc) I decided to give dating a pass. Instead I’ve made a great friend who treats me with respect, listens to me, lets me cry and makes me laugh. We just don’t have romantic chemistry. There are many kinds of intimacy and he and I share more than most couples. Even financial intimacy which is harder in many ways than physical intimacy…….
Thanks as always for the sharing your truth,
Cindy
I remember that suicide thing, Cindy. Not sure if you shared it in the Comments section or wrote to me privately. What a nightmare! Sounds like you have something special with your friend and it meets your needs for now. Not a bad option when you think about the others, for sure. I have that sort of platonic intimacy with several male friends–one in particular–and I feel fortunate. I’m still hoping for the whole enchilada with someone. Just need to meet him, dammit!
I resent the fact that if I’m invited to a man’s place I have to be ‘on guard’ or uncomfortable waiting for that moment, I really like men, I don’t want to believe they are all pigs!
I don’t think they’re all pigs, Anna. I don’t even think “Henrik” was a pig. He was just a guy who assumed going to his apartment on a third date meant sex. I’m now sure he set up the “come to Brooklyn and see my work” for the third date because he knew we’d end up at his place. The strange thing is that he didn’t do anything to move towards romance. I now wonder if he thought I’d just take off my clothes once I reached the bedroom during his apartment tour?
Hello from Tulsa, Melani! I always look forward to your posts and this one does bring up a good point. I don’t know who wrote these unpublished rules…wait there’s that guy (Steve Harvey?) who did write a rule book…something about waiting three months to have sex. There is a lot of wriggle room between three dates and three months…
I have been single and dating for most of my 57 years and indeed the dating game has changed. When one is young and bulletproof and horny a pick-up at happy hour was acceptable…almost expected. I think when we get to mid-life our priorities and tastes have changed so much it’s hard to even find someone interesting (and hygienic) to date much less get horizontal with.
I suspect what we have lost is the ability to trust our instincts and use our common sense…that should be dating rule #1!
Regards!
You’re right about Steve Harvey writing the rules, Dana. He’s all about waiting to be sure the guy is serious and willing to commit. I guess I understand that–especially for someone younger. I can’t imagine waiting three months for sex, though. What if it’s bad sex? The unfixable kind? Seems a long time wasted without the assurance there’s compatibility between the sheets. Jeez, I’m not getting any younger! I agree with your rule #1. If he looks like a duck, etc.. Always good to hear from you, Dana.
MIss Daisy,
Another great story of your odyssey. But one thing,..the whole body odor thing. I for one can’t deal with that no matter how smoking hot the prospective suitor is. I don’t care of they are from Europe, China, India or Malibu, a free pass on not bathing or not doing laundry is a total deal breaker for this guy! Have a great day and keep the articles coming!
Matt.
I know, Matt, it was unsettling. I do have an absurdly sensitive nose, though. It’s always been an issue. I’m the one who smells something before anyone else so I’ll often cut people some slack. I was once on a plane and a woman (seated in the row in front of me) flying from London to Singapore was so funky that I was gagging uncontrollably. I knew I couldn’t sit behind her for the entire flight without vomiting so I called the flight attendant over and asked, “What is your odor policy?”
Great post Melani! Personally, as a former on-line dater, for me the sex rule is minimum five dates or more (no matter how hot they are/how much I want them – and this has proved a tough rule to follow at times!). Back in the day of dating people from school/work/friends of friends it was different (perhaps getting it on at 3, 2, who knows how many dates) as knowing them in another setting (seeing them at the office, having the approval stamp of a friend) seemed like some kind of insurance that they are who they say they are. I always feel that internet men are strangers (well shit, they are!) and I need more time to figure out who they really are. Crazy? Maybe! That’s just me 🙂
I agree, Tracy, it is a weird dichotomy to “date” strangers. But it is the new normal and we have to adapt or get out of the game. It will continue to morph but digital dating is the future. It’s funny because the biggest fear a woman has on her first online date is: I hope he won’t kill me. For a man it’s: I hope she’s not fat. No lie, it was a study conducted by a major online dating site.
Oh and one other thing Daisy, I for one don’t count the number of dates till sex is assumed. A true gentleman knows when the time is right and it may occur, you feel it in your bones. Obviously stinky couldn’t read the writing on your walls and tried to use more wine to entice you. Total predator behavior.
I like the way you think, Matt, and you’re funny. Just choked on my coffee when I read “stinky”.
Awesome, that was so funny. I’m glad that Chelsea 1, and Chelsea 2 explained your experience to you. We all will continue learning something. For some, sooner than later. Awesome.
Thanks, Noel. I guess I’m a late bloomer. 🙂
Another great story, Melani, and it didn’t even make the first cut for your blog. How many other gems do you have in reserve?
I laughed when your daughter came right out with “He was pissed because you didn’t have sex.” You clearly have a very good and open relationship with your daughter.
I don’t believe in the three-date rule either. It happens when it feels right. But I do find that it seems to be happening earlier than in days gone by and women seem to be expecting it earlier. Ya hoo 🙂
I have many that didn’t make the blog cut, Tim. I haven’t actually counted the number of dates I wrote about but I did go on well over 100. I’m adding some to the book as well as “too embarrassing to blog about” details I left out from some of my more memorable dates. Hard to imagine I’d be embarrassed about anything after reading some of my posts but it’s true.
Yes, I have an open relationship with my daughters but they’re also 26 and 29 so adult conversations are plentiful. I do have to say if I even hint at anything sexual from my end it’s met with “Eww” from Chelsea and “That’s inappropriate!” from Morgan. Guess no matter the age a person doesn’t like to think of their parents as sexual creatures.
Glad to hear you’re experiencing the fruits of your dating labor earlier than you once did. Good to know someone’s having sex. Thanks for the comment, Tim!
If I lived in NY, I would volunter to be your personal driver so long as the “Chelseas” were also going to be passengers. I could learn so much!
Maybe I’m just naive, but I can’t believe an educated, seemingly polite and considerate man would have such an irrational response when you did not answer a question (“Wanna f**k?”) that he hadn’t even asked. That character trait alone would be enough to send me running.
It is not, however, a trait found only in the male of the species. The situation reminds me of the old joke with the punchline that has the crying wife say to her confused husband, “If you don’t know what’s wrong, I’m not going to tell you!”
You have no idea how much I learn from my daughters and their friends, Magrooder. Usually it’s because they’re shaming me into coolness–no matter how completely cool everyone knows I am. 🙂
No doubt the essence of the story–ridiculous response to a question not asked–isn’t limited to males. I’m sure I’ve had my share of “you should’ve known even if I didn’t tell you” moments. The difference is it’s with someone who knows me well. Henrik didn’t even know if I could kiss. Thanks for taking the time to comment!
Your posts pretty much chronicle my life. Somehow, somewhere, we were meant to be friends. Many times I’ve been told I should start a blog, with all the craziness that is my life…which stories are metered out quite often on my Facebook page. You, my friend, just inspire me….to write, to share, to date (begrudgingly), and most of all, to laugh at it all.
YOU ROCK!!!!!
No, YOU rock, Judi! Thank you for commiserating with me. Start a blog–it can be life changing. 🙂
So glad I can make you laugh and I hope one of these days we’ll have a chance to meet. I can always use another like-minded friend.
Hilarious!!! Love everything about this entry, including all the comments! How I miss your weekly escapades on your dating blog!! I. WANT. MORE!! I suppose I’ll need to wait for your book, but be warned that I’m going to want a signed copy! (smile)
I have a very similar relationship with both of my grown daughters, ages 30 and 27. There is no filtering when we’re together. I can bank on a “Family Stone” moment every time we’re in the same room for more than a few hours. (The Family Stone is one of my favorite movies….”Family Stone” moments abound with me and my daughters. So much so that it should be added to Webster just like selfie was added.)
Keep doing what you’re doing Mel! One day you’ll be writing about your last great love….can’t wait!!
Deb
Deb, a signed copy of the book is absolutely a must. I insist–now I just have to finish the darned thing, but I’m almost done.
I love The Family Stone. My favorite line is what Ben says to Meredith, “You have a freak flag, you just don’t fly it.” I’d like to think I’m going to fly my freak flag again and hope you’re right about writing my last great love. I think you are. Thank you for confirming we’re not the only unfiltered family on the block. I like it that way and there’s something really creepy about those far too mannerly broods. Something weird is going on behind all that perfection. Loved your comment, Deb.
Men are simple. If they’re pissed it’s about sex or food or football. I can’t believe the 3 date rule still applies in our 50s! Can’t they wait a bit more at this point to get aquainted? Haven’t their hormones settled down?
Katie Couric just got remarried. She’s 57. Food for thought. I’m very convinced Melani will remarry. I will not. I don’t want anyone touching me or telling me what to do.
Sheesh, Pam, did you have to bring up Katie Couric? Still haven’t gotten over that mean girl episode. I heard she was getting married and I’m happy for her in spite of the “Catwoman-ish” comment. So you think I’ll remarry? Although I don’t see myself married again, never say never. I don’t want anyone telling me what to do, either. Now the touching? Absolutely. I may not be hoping for a wedding ring but I’d love a man all up in my grill. Thanks for the comment, Pam. It made me chuckle tonight.
I have been following your blog since the beginning and have learned a lot from your experiences. I personally Strive for Five. The three date rule is for the younger generation. Notice I said, “Strive.” I have only gotten that far with two men since my 20 year relationship, but I think of it only as a goal, not a firm rule. I don’t know about the rest of you, but my sense of smell has become, well, more sensitive as I neared 50. My son thinks I’m weird. The man’s aroma combined with the lack of laughter would have done it for me. Also I need some serious kissing to happen before I hit the sack with someone. My theory is if he can’t kiss… I’m glad you shared this story and the comments of the two girls are what made it worth the wait.
cc
Thank you for following from the beginning, Carolyne. I think this is the first time you’ve commented. The first on this blog, certainly, and I love to hear from those who’ve followed along from the beginning but have never made contact. It’s a strange dynamic putting one’s life out there and only knowing the number of blog hits but not who’s behind each of those.
I couldn’t agree with you more about kissing. If the kiss doesn’t make me want to rip my clothes off, it’s not going to work between the sheets. My sense of smell has always been crazy, but I’ve also read that during menopause and pregnancy it heightens even more. Might explain why I’ve frequently written about the way a man smells. I’m not sure if the three date rule is for the younger generation. I’m not into rules for sex at any age. If I met someone and it was an instant, over the top kind of thing, I’d hate to think I’d be bound to any number of dates. Might even want to get crazy on the first! 🙂
Thank you, again, for following for so long and I’m thrilled you left a comment.
Hey Mel.. there’s a good piece on alternet.com or salon this morning by a woman who says she came out of the good girl closet and refuses to be slut shamed, or any other stupid rules, funny and smart.. her blog is asexywomanofacertainage.com check it out, like your posts and love to have a witty drink with you when I make it to NY some day,
yours,
David
I couldn’t find the piece but I’ll google the blogger and see if I can locate it. Thanks for the recommendation, David. I did check out her blog. She’s direct about her sexuality–very refreshing. I’ll read more later when I have time. A witty drink? OK. Thanks for the info-filled comment.
I read her blog. Certainly, not for everyone. Being in tune with your sexuality is wonderful – I am all for it, and I think, women in their 40s, 50s, and 60s can be beautiful and sexy. I did my first lingerie shoot, when I was 45, and it looks great!
What I don’t get is that she seems to be satisfied with the whole FWB thing. I know I can never be satisfied with that. I am not saying that it isn’t good – hot uninhibited sex with a handsome partner, no strings attached. God knows, it feels great! But don’t we all want something that is real, and lasting vs. temporary and sub-par??? Because, no matter how you call that whole FWB thing, you just don’t feel special, no does your partner. Am I wrong?
I agree with you, Irina, about FWB. It seems to be the focus of her blogging. I have nothing against that sort of arrangement and I wrote a blog post about one such situation I was in, but it was always honest and an “until I meet the one” sort of thing. I can’t imagine being satisfied with just that longterm. I need to know the man I’m sleeping with is going to be around when life is less carefree. When I’m going through something rough and don’t feel like sex–and vice versa for him. I want substance behind all that uninhibited sex. In fact, I’m a much better lover when I’m in love and it’s mutual. THEN, I’m completely secure and will happily fly my freak flag.
I am the same way 🙂 You can live with a substitute, but only until you find a real thing. And a “real thing” is just SO MUCH BETTER!
Melanie — this IS one of my favorite posts you’ve written. Dana’s comment is spot-on.
You have opened a larger mystery element by telling us … how much you did not–have not told us yet: such mystery often leads to satiating unraveling (I love the word denouement), just as reading your experience peals back your layers … while increasing the depths of ours–your readers.
I also find the comments, evolving conversation enjoyable and insightful. You know–well, maybe you don’t–I have been profoundly in love with one person from many years ago, though over the years, I also have loved others … a few times terribly … though mostly, well.
Lately I’ve been asking myself, what if that ONE from so many years ago would come back into my life, and I into hers? What would happen? How many dates? Definitely more showers for me, even in light of this California drought. Clean B.O. preferred; natural smells can be mesmerizing … or not.
Now based upon history, she and I being together again, not likely to happen.
Still, with this “Getting Schooled” post you have gotten those imaginative, creative wheels turning. Even at our age, many of us would LOVE TO REVEL in romance–for me–passion that starts with the mind, heart, soul … and who knows where from there.
Thanks for the literary spark.
I did not know about your love, Helen, so thank you for sharing. There’s always the chance that the two of you could be reunited. Have you reached out? Perhaps she’s feeling the same? I believe in hope and if your rare love is alive, there’s always hope. You’ve got nothing to lose by making contact. You’ll be no worse off tomorrow than you are today even if she’s unavailable or doesn’t feel the same. Why not be bold? If not for love then what? The reveling will only commence if you try.
You shared, “If not for love then what?”
Sometimes, Melanie, there are gulfs from religious beliefs too far divided to span. And who knows? Maybe the ideal memories of our times together so long ago are as impractical as physical reality: we live opposite ends of the United States, for one. Our bodies, for another: “Male and female made He them,” her religion/God teaches … though, yes, I do feel BOTH male AND female … but what strict religious groups are going to accept, to believe that?
So specifically, she is a puritanical; I am a not … though I do enjoy spirituality, I do not want to force my framework upon others. Still, I admire her, desire her … more than anyone, more than ever. Then again, maybe I don’t know enough to feel, to think this way, and it appears I already have been given an answer.
You mentioned below how Henrick “had no clue as to the signs of ‘mutual’ attraction,” and this may be where I also feel puzzled. A few years ago she wrote to me that I must change my sexual orientation (no longer be gay) … in order for us to remain friends.
Because I have not changed in that way, I no longer write to her. Your last thought, “The reveling will only commence if you try,” stays with me … when I remember an attraction that felt unusually powerful with us years ago. Now I can only wonder, what it just me? Maybe it was. Maybe I will never know. What I do know, as far as I know, she is just over 50 and still not married; I am almost 50 with a handful of failed relationships, having never had the option to have married the one I would have chosen in the first place. Then again, who’s to say she would have chosen me?
So many questions, so few answers, so much off-limits, even out of bounds.
Thank you for “listening,” Melanie, for sharing your thoughts. I admire your personal touch and willingness to help, to inspire. Maybe mine with She the Impossible simply is … a lost battle.
I’m sorry about the details you’ve revealed, Helen. For a person to state that friendship hinges on changing one’s sexual orientation is sad. To put such ridiculous parameters on friendship makes me wonder what else she expects from her pals. Doesn’t seem very Christian to me. Certainly not WWJD. I don’t believe you imagined the mutual attraction, Helen, but it sounds like your friend is in denial about it. It must be hard to have those powerful religious beliefs that are in direct conflict with what’s going on inside. I’m afraid this is something she needs to deal with and until she does, it’s best to leave it alone. Who knows? Perhaps with how things are changing so rapidly with marriage equality, so will the self-loathing she must feel. I hope so. For now, Helen, I’ll just wish that you find someone perfectly suited for you. Thank you so much for sharing even more of your story.
oh, if I may, Melanie … just a few more thoughts … this time about the architect. First, it’s hard to say exactly what he was thinking, unless you ASK HIM, then only if he’s open to being honest with you to allow self-disclosure. Was he/did he appear so busy trying to impress you WITH HIMSELF, (you wrote he was serious–no humor) that maybe he was/still is? also trying to prove his worth to himself. Who knows? How much did he talk about you? How much was he interested IN YOU? Or, was it all about him? The answers to those questions probably go deeper than whether or not it was … all about sex, as the younger Chelsea 1 and Chelsea 2 have surmised. hmm.
I don’t think he would’ve been honest, Helen, but his answer would make no difference. I wasn’t attracted to him. He was just too serious. Plus, once I thought about the Chelseas’ conclusion it rang true. That was exactly what he was expecting. The last thing I want is serious sex. It should be fun–filled with laughter and few manners. I’m sure Henrik has found a suitable partner by now and I wish him well. He wasn’t a bad man, just one who had no clue as to the signs of “mutual” attraction.
So yes, Melanie, if that’s what your gut told you and it rang true, then you know. Our instincts are powerful and mostly trustworthy. Living against our instincts can be detrimental.
“The heart wants what it wants – or else it does not care.” ~Emily Dickinson
Agreed. I tend to follow my gut and it’s usually accurate. I always loved that ED quote. That is until Woody Allen used it to justify a sexual relationship with his girlfriend’s daughter. Asshole! Ruining a beautiful quote like that.
Merciful God, I didn’t know Woody used that quote to justify it! Melani!!! It ruined it for me, too – I used to LOVE that quote!
The heart is a capricious creature, for sure. Isn’t that funny that out of all these people in the world, our heart chooses just one, and recognizes that one almost instantly? You know, I am back online (don’t think for long, though :), and sometimes I go through these hundreds of “likes” (I do not receive thousands of messages, like that woman, who wrote about it…:), but I do receive hundreds of “likes”), and it boggles my mind that, out of a hundred men, who seem, for the most part, completely normal, I might like just 2-3 profiles, and that before I, actually, read them, just looking at the pictures. Why, why, why? Why the heart is so picky? And there is no damn thing I can change about it 🙁
Yes, he did. Sorry to ruin the quote for you, too, Irina. That woman you mentioned is the infamous one who left those ludicrous messages on my FB page, right? The most preposterous bunch of bullshit I’ve ever read–18,000 messages in three months online. Who is she kidding? She ended up deleting her drivel so I deleted my response so as not to confuse anyone. Shame, since it was one of my better comebacks (if I do say so myself).
I have no idea why some of us are so picky. BUT, I’m embracing it instead of lamenting the finickiness. I think we should change “picky” to “discerning”. Just sounds nicer, right? Have you tried Tinder? You are only paired up if both of you are interested. I think it’s a fantastic app. Try it. You’ll save yourself the aggravation of having all those messages from men you’re not interested in. Sure, it’s based on physical attraction but so is the real world. Then you can get to know them through texting. It’s also fun. Really fun. Apologies, again, for ruining Emily Dickinson’s beautiful words.
How awful, Melanie, that Woody Allen ruined the Emily Dickinson quote for you. He cannot ruin Emily for me. She is as puritanical, probably, as She the Impossible, and just as genius, I do not have to guess: I know–both women–genius … although the one I know once told me not to put her on a pedestal. Fair enough.
Woody, as the other commentator suggests, is human, flawed, deeply, artistically creative, somehow inwardly frustrated, no?
Melanie, did you once write something about your having a degree is psychology? Seems you have that knack. Thanks for ongoing, forthcoming insight. Best to you. Cheers!
Woody Allen has ruined Woody Allen for me, Helen, and that’s a shame. One of my favorite movies is Annie Hall. I haven’t been able to watch or quote it since the Soon Yi situation. I also believe his daughter Dylan’s account of being molested. I guess even with those two things I can bring myself to say he’s an artistic genius but “human” and “flawed” just do not go far enough. I think he’s a revolting, twisted, narcissistic predator. And with that belief I’ll never see another thing he creates.
I don’t have my degree in psychology but thank you for thinking I have the knack. I majored in education. Can you picture me in the classroom? Best to you, too, Helen, and cheers!
Yes, I was talking about THAT woman 🙂 What a bunch of rat BS!!! Too bad that you had to delete your great comments – I enjoyed reading them very much.
No, I have not tried Tinder, was going back and forth on it, but, after this post, I am going to switch to it, because you are absolutely right – like in a real world, it’s based on mutual physical attraction. Once you are attracted to someone’s face, eyes, smile, there could be things happening down the road…or not. But that attraction needs to be there in the first place.
As for Emily Dickinson, she will remain a great author…and Woody will remain a very talented filmmaker…and a very flawed human being…:)
Agreed about Woody Allen. I also draw a line at pedophillia. The daughter’s side of the story came across as believable–and getting together with Soon Yi always came across as predatorial.
Can I see you in a classroom, Melanie? Maybe. Curious to know what age(s)/classroom you may have chosen, though no, I don’t readily see you there.
You’re a writer … and whatever else you want to be. I am curious how some of your other readers would answer that question.