It’s almost Christmas, I haven’t gotten a tree and the most I’ve done is drag my decorations out of storage. Actually, I didn’t even do that. Chelsea came over and was kind to her mama. For the last week, multiple bins have been stacked in my already small apartment. I frequently bump them when I stumble to the kitchen in the middle of the night to get water. I scream, “FUUUUUUCK!” (Sounding distinctly like Regan in “The Exorcist”), I diligently study my toe to be sure I don’t need to snap it back into place and slowly limp back to bed.
I’m trying to gather the energy to do the decorating but NYC isn’t exactly cooperating. Today it’s 61 degrees. Seasons are new to me since moving from the desert, and dammit, I want my Christmas cold. I’m also having an, um, “crisis of conscience” over the tree. Ok, that’s probably not how most would define it but those friggin’ tree vendors want to charge $90 for a five-foot
tree. I could buy two coats for the homeless with that money! I walk by lots on the sidewalks of my neighborhood, spy the perfect mini pine and ask the cost. The price never changes but I find my reaction getting more dramatic. The first time I pointed, feigned surprise and said, “Oh, ninety dollars for that tree?” a few days later it was, “WOW! Price jump this year?” And it’s now morphed into a spectacle that includes reeling back from the tree (like it’s covered in ticks) the requisite exaggerated shock, Whaaaaat?!” Followed rapidly by, “That’s insane!” as I walk away vigorously shaking my head with such flair that I am quite sure others on the street are thinking the same of me.
“She’s such an asshole.”
I do this most mornings as I return from Central Park and have no clue why. Do I think there will be a Tuesday flash evergreen sale? Am I hoping the seller will be less shady on Wednesday? It’s gotten so bad that Kate and Nigel pull to cross the street as we near the tree lots.
When dogs get embarrassed, you’re clearly an asshole.
There’s probably more to this than a stupid overpriced New York City Christmas tree.
I’m pretty sure there’s more.
Ok, there’s definitely more.
I’m single again.
My girls and I have a tradition on Christmas Eve. We call it Flannel Pajama Christmas. Now, this isn’t a longstanding practice but one we made up last year. Here’s how it goes. We get in our pajamas on Christmas Eve around noon. I prepare a spectacular feast of only our favorite things and we eat together in a relaxed, laidback way—avoiding the pomp that has always accompanied our Christmas Eves.
It was an ordeal that included large groups of friends and neighbors, a lavish (yet tastefully) decorated Pinterest-worthy table, and a hell of a lot of stress. Last year we made the decision to take it down a colossal notch and it was perfect. I think it will 
now be a family tradition long after I’m gone. Imagine that? My grandchildren, their children and their children’s children eating their meal in flannel pajamas on Christmas Eve and maybe remembering their odd great, or great, great grandmother who started the awesome folly? Or they’ll hate it and curse me, but I’ll be dead so who cares?
We also have included the movie “Love Actually” as part of the evening. Others, too, but that is the first one we watch—with plates propped on our laps.
(This is all my transition to the breakup, so hang in there. You know I always weave it around and then back again.)
If you’ve watched the movie you’ll remember the scene when Jamie (Colin Firth) and Aurélia (Lucia Moniz) have a conversation in different languages and don’t understand what the other is saying. Here’s the scene:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xc4Y6RezIn8
In the movie they find a way around their cultural differences, both learn a little of the other’s language and it ends with a proposal. Yeah, that’s the cinematic version. Unfortunately, it didn’t end that way in my relationship. He didn’t understand me. Although we were speaking English, we needed subtitles.
He gave me a book hoping it would lead to a better understanding of his world.
I read it, gained insight into the many subtleties of French culture, but unfortunately, I didn’t have a handbook for mine. He has been in the U.S. for eight years but has dealt primarily with French clients. Americans were in general confusing, he proclaimed. He said we were very similar to Brits in that we say one thing but there’s another meaning, an almost false politeness.
Now, you know I’m direct, often blunt, but I realize he was right. There are many nuanced meanings to conversations that would be difficult to understand. For example, when I say, “Oh, you’re tired—again. You’ve been yawning during every conversation this week. Why don’t we get off the phone so you can sleep.” What I’m really saying is, “I’m sick of you being tired so don’t call me and yawn in my ear because it’s rude and annoying.” But that message didn’t register, he insisted we continue to talk, the yawning persisted and I ended up feeling aggravated. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Again, that’s one tiny example.
He also didn’t know I was funny. I have the ability to deliver a quick comeback or observation that (if you will pardon the bragging) is goddamn funny. He never got it. I continued to “think funny” but stopped verbalizing. What was the point? I realized that not only does the person I’m with have to make me laugh (and he did); he also has to crack up at my jokes. Period. No exceptions.
Bottom-line: we were speaking the same language but weren’t talking the same lingo.
There is no bad guy in this breakup. I care deeply for him but I am certain the longer we were a couple, the more frustrating it would become. We were together for six months and I began to feel that “I’m about to jump out of my skin” sort of sensation, regularly. He said (when he realized I was getting aggravated), “Let’s have this conversation in French and see how clear it is to you!” That was fair and he was absolutely right.
I want to be honest. I miss him and my Christmas tree lot behavior probably has little to do with the rip-off $90 five-foot tree. Although this was the right decision, it doesn’t make it easy. I have been alone for a long, long time and being with him made me realize how much I’ve missed having a partner. It was comforting and good in many ways.
So, on Christmas Eve, in my flannel pajamas with my girls present AND Morgan’s boyfriend (hey, we’re not completely “Grey Gardens”), I’ll watch “Love Actually” with new eyes.
I’ll see the scene I shared above that always makes me laugh, but it will also be poignant this year. I’ll understand the importance of language in a relationship and my desire to be understood. Not simply using a translation tool but on a deeper level. I have discovered I am the sort of person needing one hundred percent comprehension.
I’ll probably buy that tree this week, too.
“Falling in love and having a relationship are two different things.” Keanu Reeves
Once again, you have touched my heart with the sharing of you and your journey. Please know that your stories/escapades often result in an introspection that assists in the discovery and affirmation that “Yes, something similar happened to me” and, most importantly, “Yes, I want a handsome man to look…., Yes, I am that person who needs one hundred per cent comprehension, etc.” Thank you so much for acting as a guide to my own self-discovery and self-awareness. Love the Keanu Reeves’ quote.
May your holidays be everything that you wish and more and here’s to 2016 being THE year for new and true relationships. I have high hopes for all of us.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!!
Thank you so much, Karen, for the beautiful comment. It is always my hope that in sharing these personal experiences, they will resonate with those following along. I truly feel we’re all in this together as we each seek love and happiness in one form or another. I wish you a most joyous holiday season and I’ll toast the New Year with your words of “new and true relationships”. Thank you, again, for taking the time to connect.
Awww! I was really rooting for this one to work.
Thanks, Joseph. I was, too. It was good, though. I was able to remember the good things about a relationship that I had forgotten. The right man will come along and I’m grateful for this experience. Thanks, again, for the rooting.
Melani, I find it interesting how we close out chapters, and then suddenly for some unforeseen reason, we have to go back in and rewrite the story we thought was perfect. I know somehow this is supposed to be progress, yet it feels so much like going backwards.
I wish you much luck in your rewrite – I hope the best is yet to come.
I never look at any experience as going backwards, Rod. I gained much from this relationship–and it was imperfect from the beginning, as most are. It was good to be with a man again. I also realized that something I took for granted (people find me funny), I shouldn’t assume again. Thank you for your well wishes, Rod.
I’m so sorry it didn’t work, Melani! Language and culture can be a barrier for sure. A big barrier.
I went out with a French-Canadian lady and even though we live side by side in the same country, the French have a different culture and a different way of looking at things.
The actual language was an issue too. French is a very difficult language to learn. Much harder than English. To start, every noun is either masculine or feminine and the adjectives have to agree with the noun. The verbs and grammar are crazy difficult. So I know a little French, but I can’t follow a conversation if they are talking fast. Even though my girlfriend and her family were fluently bilingual, they insisted on talking French at family get-togethers. They are very proud of their language and I understand that, but I always felt totally left out.
As my grandmother used to say, things usually happen for the best even if we don’t realize it at the time. Wishing you the very best, Melani, and a Merry Christmas to you and your family!
Thank you so much, Tim. I appreciate that you shared your experience, too. I am horrible with languages so learning French was never going to be on my to-do list. Your grandmother was a wise woman and comforting, too. I told my friend (whose mother is the epitome of motherhood), “I need to go visit your mom so she can knit a blanket around me as I sit on her sofa and she says things that make me feel better.” Wishing you a wonderful holiday, Tim. Thank you, again, for sharing your story and your understanding.
Dear Melani,
I haven’t written in awhile but I’m certainly reading and caring about you all along.
Darn! He seemed fun, funny and definitely worth the effort. We get closer and closer to figuring out what we need. Take the qualities you loved from this one, and the mistakes, and move on smarter.
Misplaced anger at the trees, yup. Been there. I loved the dogs’ embarrassment. So funny.
Have a beautiful f…ing flannel Christmas and I’ve no doubt another amazing someone is right around the corner. xo
Your “beautiful fucking flannel Christmas” made me laugh, Laura. Yes, we move closer to what we need with each situation. You’re so right about taking the qualities that I loved and moving on–smarter for the experience. You have a beautiful fucking holiday, too, Laura. Thanks for cracking me up. 🙂
Melani,
As I was reading, I wondered of your Frenchman. You know we love being up to date on your life, so along came the news in the form of such a wonderful piece.
So sorry it did not work out, but you are right. Like you, I need someone who understands just how damn funny I am!! 😉
As a Yank living in Canada, I often feel the same from men here. Too upfront, direct, out of the cake most times. But I love that about me. And we all love that about you.
Good for you for recognizing you deserve some one who not only gets you,, but appreciates that part of you.
Keep the faith girl!
Laughed out loud at the pic of the dogs and caption “…. such an asshole”.
Kim
Thanks for your comment, Kim, and I’m happy to hear the pic made you laugh. Thank you, too, for the encouragement. I have no doubt we’ll both find someone who realizes how fortunate they are to be with someone who makes them laugh all the time. Lucky guys! 🙂
Hey Mel.. hadn’t gotten one of your posts in a long while.. it’s a big drag when someone is always tired isn’t it?? My ex worked too hard.. but that’s just her.. would have loved to have enuff dough so she didn’t have to work, because we had a lot of fun when she had the energy.. oh well, remember the good times and move on…
Such a drag, David. In many cases the “I’m tired” becomes the automatic response to any question or the first thing the person needs to talk about–even with strangers. Ugh. Must be serving them in some way. I just don’t get it.
Hi Mel, it has been a while, but still reading your blogs! Funny to read he still had language issues after having spent 8 years in the US. Merry Christmas from Amsterdam!
Thank, Jan. I wondered about that as well and thought about you. Although you have never lived in the U.S. and your language of origin is not English, you understood me and immediately got my sense of humor. I hope you’re doing well and wish you a wonderful Christmas with friends, family and your love. Big hugs, Jan.
Melani,
I thought about writing to you because it had been a while since your prior post. (Remember, I was concerned that your relationship would result in fewer posts.) I’m really sorry to heat the disappointing news, especially with all the Christmas stress that is there anyway. I finally gave up on real trees a couple of years ago and substituted a pretty good fake and a candle burning pine tree smell.
It’s funny that Love Actually is one of your Christmas Eve traditions because my youngest daughter and I do the same every Christmas Eve. I do like the Jamie and Aurelia scene, but my favorite is Mark telling Juliet through sign boards that he loves her. Keep your chin up, enjoy the time with your girls, and know that you will “get out of bed every morning… breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while [you] won’t have to remind [your]self to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out… and, then after a while, [You] won’t have to think about how [you] had it great and perfect for a while.” From Sleepless in Seattle; I’m such a dork.
It wasn’t that the relationship itself resulted in fewer posts, Magrooder, it was that I was on the fence for quite some time and trying to decide if I could do it. Had I been sure, there were a number of posts I planned to write–usually dealing with the language issue and the miscommunications we had. Much of it was quite funny–especially if one is not immersed in it.
I love the sign scene, too. Heartbreaking,beautiful and funny all in one. I also love that line from “Sleepless in Seattle” and relate to it. Not with the end of this relationship but another. There’s nothing dorky about you, Macgrooder. I always enjoy your comments. Merry Christmas.
Hi Melani, thank you for sharing your story….sorry to hear that it did not work out…there is someone out there for both you & I….with that being said I wish you a Merry Christmas & may the New Year 2016 bring you hope, love & happiness…Enjoy being with your daughters.
Thank you, Irene. Yes, there’s absolutely someone out there for both of us. Have a wonderful holiday, Irene, and am sending back to you your beautiful 2016 wishes. Here’s to your year filled with hope, love and happiness. Thank you, again, Irene, for your wonderful words.
Damn! I was just thinking about you this week and wondering how you are doing…thank you for the update. There is nothing better than sharing humor in a relationship. I fell hard after my divorce for a man who thought I was hilarious. We laughed so much, even shopping was play for us. Several years later, EVERY time I go to Costco I smile at the bittersweet memory of how much fun we had going there. I found out in September that he just got married. I cried the whole day while running errands, tears running down my face in Costco…Shit, I dreamed about him and his new wife last night.
We love you, Melani. We get you. I always connect and resonate deeply whenever you share your life.
Thank you for that, and Merry Effin Christmas.
<3 Susan
Merry effin Christmas, to you, too, Susan! Let’s have an effin great 2016!
Oh my god, Susan, you made me tear up with your comment. I’m so sorry about your Costco man. A bittersweet memory for sure and isn’t it amazing how a place can immediately take us back to a moment of pure joy? I just returned from Las Vegas (visiting my father). I avoided so many places so as not to trigger memories. A couple of times I’d drive past something seemingly innocuous and it happened. Thank you SO much for letting me know my experiences create a connection. I feel it with you and everyone commenting and it means the world to me. Sending you love and hugs for our shared experiences including the Costco one who got away. Thank you so, so much for writing, Susan.
Love and hugs to you, too, dear Melani. I’ve often wished we were neighbors and we could meet for HH. I imagine we would need to wear Depends and would laugh so hard we couldn’t breathe, tears rolling, snorting, cackling, and annoying the hell out of everyone nearby who wasn’t having nearly so much fun! May we find a man who is both Depends and spongeworthy in 2016!!
“Spongeworthy” YES, we would absolutely enjoy each other!
Yesterday outside Charlottesville, Virginia, in fog, light rain, and 61 degrees, I bought a six foot tree (the top foot being only a stick with some pine needles on it) for $66.99. Two years ago, same tree, same place, $45.00. I don’t think Mother Earth has upped her price. Sounds like a Tom Sawyer scheme. For $90, I’ll let you haul away one of my dead trees! For $90, they should give you an Irish Coffee, a subscription to Cosmo, and an elf.
Oh my god, Kevin, I laughed out loud with your comment.
No kidding–this is a fence painting I’m getting roped into.
“Catch and Release.” Try again, I guess that is the saying in Fishing Sports. But, there is nothing like having the loving family around us on the Holidays. They cannot be replaced. You are still a Winner.
Thanks, Noel. I’m always happiest with the fam, laughing and completely myself. Have a wonderful Christmas!
Darling!
I had such high hopes for this new fellow. But not understand your sense of humor???? That is just too much to bear. I’ve missed hearing from you and as always enjoyed your post with a bit of bittersweet simpatico. Family and friends are what gets us through the rough patches……..and well, now I have news……..I met someone and it has been six months! So far he still laughs at my jokes, makes terrible puns and my heart is lighter than it has been in years. I’m actually excited for Christmas and spending it with him. And in another 2 or 3 years my daughter will be ready to meet him! What? You thought all would be perfect in paradise? But I have had dinner with my estranged son (it was quite chilly but I brought a sweater) and it was the first contact in five years so I’m cautiously having low expectations.
My legal wrangling finally ended in July and I am actually pushing forward in my life and my sweetie has been wonderful. Snagged him off a website (after taking a break for over 14 months) and we are that disgusting older couple holding hands and making goo-goo eyes at each other. My friends like him, my mom has met him and I’ve met his parents and survived a long road trip together. Most importantly my dog likes him. I tolerate his pet……”Hope is the thing with feathers”
If it can happen to me, it will happen for you……
Cindy
Congratulations on your ongoing relationship, Cindy. What wonderful news! I love that you met him after taking more than a year off. Sounds like it’s meant to be–especially since you survived a long road trip. Thanks for your comment and have a fabulous Christmas with your love. Thanks for sharing. 🙂
Just the week before your email about the breakup, I was thinking good thoughts about you finding the right one again. My totally healthy husband of 34 years had a dislocated shoulder from dragging big tree limbs out of our yard that lit up like crazy on an MRI. Seven months later, New Years Day 2013, he died. I’ve learned how to really enjoy single life on my own. But, damn!, I wasn’t prepared to never have sex again.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Suzi. You’ve learned the hardest part of loss and that’s how to enjoy life as a single person. I do agree that regular sex is a tough thing to forgo. There’s always Babeland.com until you meet someone bedroom-worthy, though. 🙂 Thanks for taking the time to comment!
Oh fuck. This is what I realized long ago. We just want someone who “gets” us. It’s not just about humor either. It’s when they nod their heads in agreement at most of the things we say. They understand, they think the same way, same values, politics, intellect, understanding, empathy, same. No confused looks when we pamper our dogs or hate guns. Same.
For sure, Pam. Powerful words, “He/she gets me.” I don’t think I’m too complex or demanding. Make me laugh, laugh at my jokes. Appreciate my kindness, generosity and honesty, then reciprocate. You were drawn to me because of who I am–don’t try to change that. Respect my family, tolerate my dogs. Never take me for granted or ignore something that bothers me. That’s about it. Seems basic, just add chemistry. Thanks for writing, Pam! 🙂
Oh bugger Melani , this one did sound like the real deal!! I’m so sorry for you.
But everything happens for a reason and you sound as if you’ve grown from the relationship.
I hope you have a great Christmas with your girls
Steve
Thanks so much, Steve. Yes, I do believe everything happens for a reason. Have a great holiday, Steve!
I have been wondering about what had happened since I read your Adele comment on FB. Deep in my heart I knew, but still didn’t want to find out. After all, I gave online dating another try because of you and your Frenchman (btw, nothing yet resulted from it). And today I finally gathered strength to face it on your blog. Good news- you are single again. Bad news- you are single again 🙂
Flannel pajama Christmas is a brilliant idea. So many people gonna borrow that idea from you!!!
Well, enjoy your comfy time, eat a lot of great food with your kids, and remember that the best outcome is knowing that love will happen again. Hearts mend. You will find someone who truly “gets you”, with all your corkiness, your humor, your wonderful energy, and your brilliant mind.
Merry Christmas!
Irina
Aww, thank you, Irina, for your wonderful comment. I’m sorry going back online has not been fruitful. I think this time of year, most people are hiding their profiles or aren’t as engaged in the process, but I hope you’ll keep trying. It’s certainly not the only way to meet single people, probably most efficient, though.
I would love it if people borrowed the flannel pajama idea! It’s made Christmas dinner enjoyable again. It was so stressful but the pressure is off.
Yes, I am sure love will happen again and the relationship I had–even for only six months–was just what I needed as a reminder of what’s been absent for a long time. It is sad that it ended but I also know there are things about me (this new me) that I now find unacceptable. I also know I can be on my own and happy. I’m in no hurry to jump right back into a pairing, but I’m also open to allowing it to happen when it does.
In the meantime, Irina, we can both be sure that when that person comes along that truly gets us, he’ll get us. Thank you, again, for the message. Sending you warm holiday wishes and a beautiful 2016. Hugs.
Melani,
What I really like about you is your ability to own & give a voice to all aspects of your life, good & bad. As a person who is working on finding her own voice & being herself in this world, I find your doing this marvelous and inspiring. You are funny and I wholeheartedly agree that having someone that can appreciate that is all important.
I wish you all the best in this New Year, and hope that true love is part of that year…………..
Sheri
Thank you, Sherri. I want to be sure I’m sharing what’s real in my life–good and bad. When I started blogging I did so because I looked for writing that I could relate to–a voice that reflected the stuff I was going through. I couldn’t find it and realized I’d found my niche. I wish you a year filled with your voice. It’s an important one, Sheri. Thank you for writing.